Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Wastin' Away Again In REMAKEville...


....Searchin' for my lost shaker of Mrs. Dash...

(I don't CARE if it doesn't rhyme...Mrs. Dash is AWESOME!! )

a vampire blogger who writes about mivies, horror, pop culture and whatever other crap he feels like!!


Now then, remember our little Reviews With A Razorblade Smile dealybob about Real Genius last week??


(As always pretend you do Daywalker folks, PRETEND!! ;) )

It seems that indeed there are NO sacred alpacas in H-Wood...

(Sounds so much better than cow...and has a nice gamey flavor, especially when barbecued...just make sure you sheer ALL their pubic hairs off first...err...yeah :P )

According to THIS it seems that the lovely bunny slippers of our favorite 80's uber-sarcastic science stud Chris Knight are next on H-Wood's "Let's Turn Cult Classic Gold into Brand-New Watered down Sh&%t" list...

Don't believe me? read'um and Peep.... err weep...

Grazier Discuses Plans for Real Genius Remake

(But if you DO still have Peeps leftover from Easter and you'd like to share with a Vampire that would be GREAAAAT...Peeps are awesome just like Mrs Dash...Mrs Dash the livin' Tar outta them Peeps and it's even better or... :P )

So, as I am often willing to do (since I've got all century, unlike YOU poor Normie slobs ;) ) I decided to just IMAGINE how much these suited clowns out in Cali are going to Crap all over this classic...

A Few Famous Faces To NOT Cast In A Real Genius Remake If You DON'T Want The Movie To Suck:

(But Hollywood will probably put in there anyway just to piss us off!!)

I horribly predict the original EXCELLENT Chris Knight expertly portrayed by Val Kilmer...

Chris Knight from Real Genius: The Original King of Sarcasm


....is to be Replaced by one or ALL of the following...


Russell, Russell. the Douchebag Muscle!!


Russel Brand- First choice on my do not cast sucky list. What he has to do with realness, or geniusness, I know not, yet I wouldn't be surprised if H-wood found a way to drop him in their like a cock-a-roach mini paratrooper just because SOME women think his ragamuffin Boxcar Johnny McHomeless look is hot!

Ryan Reynolds: His middle name is Abs too!


Ryan Reynolds- Yeah the guy can act...A LITTLE...but I can't stand him and I don't know why...probably because he stole my abs once way, WAAAAAAAY back in the late Triassic Period!! lol :P

Real Genius: The NEW Ghetto deluxe Remake edition!


Mekhi Phifer, Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson, or whoever happens to be the "IT" Hip-hot Ignorant Rapper Thug Deluxe of the Moment- Because it's 10's decade now and we just GOTTA replace all the pale crusty WHITE guy young movie heroes of yore with someone more updated, "urban" and politically correctly and hipply "dark!!" to appeal to a "diverse" audience... Thug Lifffffe!!

By the way.... Did you know We have a Black President?? :P LOL

OKAAAAY...if the Hollywood MUST have an "African American" Chris for the 21st Century, can it AT LEAST be this guy, pretty please??





Just bouncing ideas off the top of my pretty undead head here, but wouldn't THIS dude be better than all the new options above as CK??

James Roday starring in a Real Genius remake?? I could see it...


And for the total destruction of Chris' young impressionable child prodigy roommate Mitch, originally portrayed quite well by the mostly unknown Gabriel Jarrett...

(Oh yeah, and I know this isn't so nice...but as an aside I've just GOTTA put this pic in...it made me laugh my ass off!! :) )

Did you know Sarah Jessica was in Real Genius?? Me neither!!


I predict unfortunately in Jarrett's place we'll get either...

Shia LeBeouf would wreck a new Real Genius!!


Shia LeBeouf- a first class second class actor who'll do as he always does in every role, basically playing himself, or AKA an annoying whiny manchild who just happens to have a decent jawline

or...

Michael Cera's EVERYWHERE, so why not F'up Real Genius too??

Michael Cera- 'Cus, he's like in EVERYTHING man!! :P

Instead you might want to go with someone unknown...okay maybe that didn't work QUITE so well for launching Gabe Jarrett's career into super-stardom, but it goes well with the movie!!

For their Boss, their head brain, their foil, the diabolically arrogant (and nerdishly handsome) Dr. Jerry Hathaway (who was original portrayed by Wlliam Atherton...

(AKA THE go-to-guy in the 1980's for pencil-dicked-Yuppie Male authority figures)

It goes from God, to Jerry to Chet...to the Cleaners!!


..we'll almost CERTAINLY get an outlandish parody figure shell of Dr. Hathaway's original, wonderfully sexy-evil self...as in the form of...


Playing the same overgrown infantile manchild character in every movie since time began!!

Will Ferrell- He will play Hathaway as a cartoonishly clumsy womanizing alcoholic oaf who secretly does stripteases with himself at home in an Einstein wig and a thong made from bubble wrap while singing "Happy Birthday Mr. President" ...or something like that! :P

I do like Will in some things...but I seriously don't want to see Hathaway turned into the kinda mad scientist college professor guy whose mad experiments always somehow leave him nearly nude save a pocket protector...as we all KNOW Ferrell would do!! (is there ANY film where he doesn't run amok naked and screaming like a paranoid 3 year old at some point??)

Instead, who ELSE could we find who is both serious, looks kinda geeky, is a little arrogant, a smartass, a Mrs. Dash of sexy for the ladies and has good comedic timing...what about THIS GUY for a humble suggestion?

Hugh Laurie as Hathaway in a new Real Genius?? I Like it!


Yeaaaah it may be type-casting but if it WORKS!!

And for Hathaway's sniveling textbook nerd henchman Kent, originally infamously portrayed by Robert Prescott...

Kent: This what happens when a human being gets too sexually frustrated!

we'll probably get somebody totally wrong for the part like THIS guy...

John C. Reilly: Great actor, bad Will Ferrell sidekick!

Especially if Ferrell were to be cast as Hathaway...

As for the adorably and accurately geekish hyperactive engineering major Jordan (excellently portrayed by Michelle Meyrink as seen here in the original )

Jordan from Real Genius: Geek and Sexy going together like Peas'N'Carrots!


...we'll end up with like the dumbest, hottest, most annoying arrogantly EVIIIILL chick alive made up to look like a nerd... Someone like...

Megan Fox in Real Genius Remake?? God Help us!!

Megan Fox: seen here making sweet love to the one she loves most in the whole wide world!



My not-so-humble, and BETTER suggestions for Jordan:

Ideally THIS lady could do quite nicely...

Melanie Lynskey as Jordan in New Real Genius? I could get used to it!


Or THIS lady...

 Tina Majorino: the second time the chickiepoo from Waterworld has appeared in my blog!


And finally... for Lazlo Hollyfeld, the reclusive steam-tunnel geek mentor of the nerdy student crew, (Played before he was known byJon Gries of Napoleon Dynamite and The Pretender fame...)

Lazlo Hollyfeld: Smarter than you, me, God, Bruce Lee, and Jimmy Walker put together


As a personal favorite I punch-dub Red Eye's Bill Schulz for the task...

Bill Schulz SUCKS...in the coolest way possible!!

(Yeah, I KNOOOW there's no waaay in big fiery H he'd get it, he's not even an actor...but really, can you picture anyone else playing such a squirrely guy living in a steam tunnel?? :P LOL )

Yeah yeah, It is true that it's the same producer (Brian Grazer) who brought us the original, so there's some hope...but at the same time, one is also prone to think that he SHOULD know better.

Real Genius is and was a cult classic of the 1980's....and if it ain't broke, why go and neuter it...err...I mean fix it?

Leave awesome enough alone...as Chris Knight himself would say, "It's a moral imperative!!"

--Chet


a cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general

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