Sunday, August 31, 2008

20 Ways To Make Political Campaigns More Interesting

1.Conclude speech by saying something to the effect of, "And furthermore, let me wrap this all up by saying, 'my future's so bright..." (pause, whip out sunglasses smoothly from a suit pocket and then put them on) "...I gotta wear shades."

2. Every time Politician says one of his/her oft-repeated phrases (such as "Uhh..." for Obama and "My Friends" for McCain) have politician do a shot of Jagermeister from a paper cup and then stomp it down dramatically in front of the audience.

3. When giving a speech in the outdoors or in a stadium venue, begin intro by having the sound guys play "Sirus" by Alan Parson's Project (AKA the Chicago Bull Intro theme) and then have the candidate descend into the stadium on a parachute or hang glider.

4. Every time politician mentions their rival in a mudslinging attack shot, have Gallagher smash a watermelon with the rival candidate's face carved into it Jack-o-Lantern style.

5. To open speech, have candidate come out on stage with several beautiful and scantly clad women around him and on each arm. Have him then say, "Bug out ladies, Daddy's got a speech to do" then snap his fingers and ladies disperse.

6. Have a debate where Penn and Teller stand in for the two candidates. Have them "Point and Counterpoint" for the candidate each man "represents" by doing grotesque, over-the-top magic tricks.

7. Have an in-campaign promotion where candidate starts a "motorcycle gang." Award top fundraisers/volunteers "honorary membership" into gang with an armless vest jacket and state patch on the back.

8. Better yet, have Party Convention at and during Sturgis.

9. When transitioning from one sub section to the next, have a Thong Bikini clad "Ring Card Card Girl" parade around the stage bearing the title of the next section of speech in her hands to whistles and cat-calls of men in the audience.

(For Women candidates, just substitute the Ring Card Girls for oiled up muscular young bodybuilders in...uhh... "Banana Hammocks" )

10. Have candidate secretly crash a random frat party. When the media finally catches up to the frathouse, have candidate briefly excuse themselves from a live, on-air interview with Brit Hume or Anderson Cooper to go do a Keg Stand, then come back and take more questions.

11. Promise to slay a Mime LIVE in a "creative" and "uniquely different" way for each night of their party's convention.

12. Have mandatory "Mosh Pit Fundraiser" for the candidate with all of the party's oldest and stuffiest VIPs and fat-cat donators charging each of them a 1000 bucks a pop. Have a free admission first-come-first-serve "Upper Gallery" so the "regular folks" can come and watch their leaders make complete asses of themselves.

13. As per a Debate's rules, allow each candidate the option of throwing one of 10 provided cream pies at their opponent throughout the course of the Debate, if their rival says something the candidate doesn't like/thinks is BS.

14. Have comedian Dane Cook open for candidate.

15. FREE BEER provided for all 18 and over at every campaign stop.

16. Conclude a stump speech by spinning around and turning back to podium in one move, revealing that the candidate's suit jacket is bedazzled up with the words "Word to Yur Mutha, Vote Fer Me!" on the back, then strut off the stage.

17. Have a concert fundraiser with one or all of the following bands: Metallica, GWAR, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, the Blue Man Group, or Godsmack.

18. Conclude speech by saying "Peace Out Dawgs!" or "Ah well, Fuckit!" slam-dropping the cordless mic on the stage.

19. Stop mid-speech to do a swing dance number with two smokin' hot leggy babes simultaneously a'la Blast From The Past.


20. Have candidate introduced, but have a ginormous Clown Street Puppet person come out instead. Suddenly giant clown starts "groaning" (" Oohhhh NOOOOO...." ) apparently from having a stomach ache. Giant Puppet Clown then "explodes" in a grotesque display of fluids and pyrotechnics. When lights come back up, clown guts and giant body parts are strewn all over the stage, with something rolling around in a membrane sac that was once inside the puppet's stomach. Camera close-up on a large knife blade that suddenly bursts through the soft, egg-like membrane, revealing the candidate cutting his way free. Once out, candidate casually wipes off any remaining "puppet entrails" and precedes to give his speech, using the dismembered body of the "deceased" clown as a backdrop.

(I dunno about y'all...but that last one would be a vote clincher for me LOL! ;) )


individually wrapped slices said...

Some of these were almost done in the great movie, Idiocracy.

Tone said...

Hilarious!! said...

When I was a wee lass, people weren't even ALLOWED to vote, so I'm pretty happy with that to start with.

But they had spectacles to keep us amused like strong ales, knobby wenches, and bear baiting.

Does that count? ;)

Chet Of The Undead said...

Individually Wrapped Sexiness ;) --

Idiocracy rules!!

One of the best under-appreciated flicks of the last ten years in my AWESOME opinion!

Chet Of The Undead said...

My boy Tone-- Thanks!!

Thought you'd get a kick out of that.

Chet Of The Undead said...

Tula darling---

"does that count?"

Nooo, you SSSSSLUUUT!!

Gawwd, you're old!!


LOL ;)

( It is nice to be able to live long enough to see how things have changed isn't it? And often for the better at that...puts perspective on things.)

*Muah* Love'ya babe!

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