Ask A Vampire 4-11-12
For tonight, how about we clean out the old bag of a few...
Question: "Do Vampires Celebrate Easter?"
Chet Sez: If by "celebrate" you mean we go out stalking the night on a RAVENOUS MURDEROUS rampage not stopping until we've gruesomely slaughtered every last stinking PEEP we can find....then yes.
Particularly Trish, she's a crack addict for Peeps. Always stealing my Peeps out of my Easter braskest. I should smack her pixie Peep-thieving ass. Then again, maybe not, she might like that too much! :P
But yeah, here's an extra fun, FUN tip for you Daywalker guys. You wanna stop a Vampire? Don't use garlic, DON'T use crosses. Use Milk Duds, or Butterfingers, Or maybe those sorta-good, yet sorta gross tasting ChixStix candy thingies. Anything that gets stuck in our fangs is freakin' sucky on us.
Have fun with that. And You're Welcome.
(*Cue NBC PSA "The More You Know..." Riff here.)
The More You Know Jingle
Question: "Are There Vegan/Non Meat-Eating Vampires?"
Chet Sez: How about I be a nearly immortal pain in your butt-TOCKS and answer your question with a question. Have you ever seen a Tiger eat tofu? Or Colonel Sanders eat his weight in...umm...Legumes, or a pet turtle eat its own shi...err...nevermind. :P
Point is, NO, or at least, if it does happen, it ain't happening too often. Maybe one of those folk that calleth themselves "Psychic Vampires" or "Psy-Vamps" might do it, but the type of Nocturnal creature that I am says it's pretty much impossible'
You gotta get the red stuff from somewhere, and it has to be a formely living animal. Kinda hard to be one of us Vampies if you're not willing to do that.
Have a V8 creature of the night...AND DIE!! :P lol
Question: "What Do You Think Of The Twilight Saga?"
Chet Sez: I don't. Next question. :P
Question: "Is That Cartoon REALLY What You Look Like? How Come We Never Get To See Your Real Face Chet?"
Chet Sez: Alright dadgumit!! I keep getting this question over and OVER and OVER again!! Are you guys serious, and I mean seriously serious-serious?? Do You really, REALLY want to see what I look like 'cuz damnit, I'll give you the mug, the heater if you REALLY want it....but only just this ONCE....are you ready??
...Are you??
...Don't blink now....'
...cuz if you blink, you'll totally miss it and there's NO REFUNDS!!
Ready??
Here It comes....TAAAA-DAAAAAAH!!
MUAAHAHAHAHA!!
I SOOO had you!! Sike!! LOL
But in all seriousness, why?? Do you really think because I am Nocturnal that there would really be all that much different to my face than yours? I'm just a dude, a human. It's all the same stuff you've seen before right? Two eyes, a nose, a mouth, awesome reddish hair, maybe a tiny freckle or two, the bloated earwig coming out in a disgusting puddle of brain and puss from my right ear, a "facial mutated lactating teat" on my left cheekbone and,,,
Nah, I'm kidding!
But yeah, as Vampires go, I'm pretty well average looking. Most of the "effect" of being Nocturnal, the, "weird vibe" that Normies like you get comes from being AROUND us, not just seeing a pic of a real one, I think those of you who'd be expecting to see something "shock-mazing" in my real, REAL face would find themselves mostly kinda...disappointed.Dude, seriously, we're SUPOSED to blend in with you guys...for the most part. So...
I'm a pale...ish skinned sorta-redheaded white boy, with really big pointy teef...yeah.
Besides, if I showed my face to you, then you'd want to go and show me to all your friends, and then you'll wanna get me on the horn all the time to show up for your strip mall grand openings and shit, and that would just make my life a LIVING HELL! LOL ;)
But I DO have astoundingly HOT abs!! So there!!
Well, that's about all the time I'm willing to spend on this sorry stupid crap...err...I mean ALL THE WONDERFUL TIME we have for THIS WEEK for GREAAAAT :) questions, but as always...
If you really do have deep questions that you're just DYING to have answered by an actual Vampire, whether it be questions about the Vampire lifestyle, Nocturnal stuff, home decorating tips, advice for what breed of little monkey makes the best sideshow pet freak, how to make a kickass salsa dip for your dog or cat, or really dang near anything in general, mail them here to:
chettacular@yahoo.com
Just make sure you put "Questions For Chet" in the subject so I don't delete your precious email accidentally on purpose without reading it ...
And do have a great day Sunshiners!
(That way, tomorrow morning you'll be busy, and I can get some sleep!!)
--Chet
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Question: "Do Vampires Celebrate Easter?"
Chet Sez: If by "celebrate" you mean we go out stalking the night on a RAVENOUS MURDEROUS rampage not stopping until we've gruesomely slaughtered every last stinking PEEP we can find....then yes.
Particularly Trish, she's a crack addict for Peeps. Always stealing my Peeps out of my Easter braskest. I should smack her pixie Peep-thieving ass. Then again, maybe not, she might like that too much! :P
But yeah, here's an extra fun, FUN tip for you Daywalker guys. You wanna stop a Vampire? Don't use garlic, DON'T use crosses. Use Milk Duds, or Butterfingers, Or maybe those sorta-good, yet sorta gross tasting ChixStix candy thingies. Anything that gets stuck in our fangs is freakin' sucky on us.
Have fun with that. And You're Welcome.
(*Cue NBC PSA "The More You Know..." Riff here.)
The More You Know Jingle
Question: "Are There Vegan/Non Meat-Eating Vampires?"
Chet Sez: How about I be a nearly immortal pain in your butt-TOCKS and answer your question with a question. Have you ever seen a Tiger eat tofu? Or Colonel Sanders eat his weight in...umm...Legumes, or a pet turtle eat its own shi...err...nevermind. :P
Point is, NO, or at least, if it does happen, it ain't happening too often. Maybe one of those folk that calleth themselves "Psychic Vampires" or "Psy-Vamps" might do it, but the type of Nocturnal creature that I am says it's pretty much impossible'
You gotta get the red stuff from somewhere, and it has to be a formely living animal. Kinda hard to be one of us Vampies if you're not willing to do that.
Have a V8 creature of the night...AND DIE!! :P lol
Question: "What Do You Think Of The Twilight Saga?"
Chet Sez: I don't. Next question. :P
Question: "Is That Cartoon REALLY What You Look Like? How Come We Never Get To See Your Real Face Chet?"
Chet Sez: Alright dadgumit!! I keep getting this question over and OVER and OVER again!! Are you guys serious, and I mean seriously serious-serious?? Do You really, REALLY want to see what I look like 'cuz damnit, I'll give you the mug, the heater if you REALLY want it....but only just this ONCE....are you ready??
...Are you??
...Don't blink now....'
...cuz if you blink, you'll totally miss it and there's NO REFUNDS!!
Ready??
Here It comes....TAAAA-DAAAAAAH!!
MUAAHAHAHAHA!!
I SOOO had you!! Sike!! LOL
But in all seriousness, why?? Do you really think because I am Nocturnal that there would really be all that much different to my face than yours? I'm just a dude, a human. It's all the same stuff you've seen before right? Two eyes, a nose, a mouth, awesome reddish hair, maybe a tiny freckle or two, the bloated earwig coming out in a disgusting puddle of brain and puss from my right ear, a "facial mutated lactating teat" on my left cheekbone and,,,
Nah, I'm kidding!
But yeah, as Vampires go, I'm pretty well average looking. Most of the "effect" of being Nocturnal, the, "weird vibe" that Normies like you get comes from being AROUND us, not just seeing a pic of a real one, I think those of you who'd be expecting to see something "shock-mazing" in my real, REAL face would find themselves mostly kinda...disappointed.Dude, seriously, we're SUPOSED to blend in with you guys...for the most part. So...
I'm a pale...ish skinned sorta-redheaded white boy, with really big pointy teef...yeah.
Besides, if I showed my face to you, then you'd want to go and show me to all your friends, and then you'll wanna get me on the horn all the time to show up for your strip mall grand openings and shit, and that would just make my life a LIVING HELL! LOL ;)
But I DO have astoundingly HOT abs!! So there!!
Well, that's about all the time I'm willing to spend on this sorry stupid crap...err...I mean ALL THE WONDERFUL TIME we have for THIS WEEK for GREAAAAT :) questions, but as always...
If you really do have deep questions that you're just DYING to have answered by an actual Vampire, whether it be questions about the Vampire lifestyle, Nocturnal stuff, home decorating tips, advice for what breed of little monkey makes the best sideshow pet freak, how to make a kickass salsa dip for your dog or cat, or really dang near anything in general, mail them here to:
chettacular@yahoo.com
Just make sure you put "Questions For Chet" in the subject so I don't delete your precious email accidentally on purpose without reading it ...
And do have a great day Sunshiners!
(That way, tomorrow morning you'll be busy, and I can get some sleep!!)
--Chet
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