Vampires VS Zombies Throwdown Hoedown!

Okay we all know where the trends in the Horror genre and in popular culture have gone in the last two decades. First, it was the goofy chick-o-fied romance, and then the later sheer blood-thirsty kick-assiness of my fellow Vampire brethren. Then, the next fad was the fear of everyone from himself to his witty gay brother, to his grandma-daughter that there might soon be a Zombie apocalypse taking over the planet in the near future.




(Hell, even no less than the US Gove'ment's CDC released an official emergency plan on how to deal with a widespread Zombie attack earlier in 2011, I shit thee not!

So what WOULD happen IF the two DEADLIEST "creatures of the night" of contemporary Horror (and *AHEM* real life *AHEM, COUGH* ) met once-and-for-all in a winner-take-all (and-any-other-long-descriptive-set-of-adjective-words-I-can-think-of-with-hyphens-in-them-so-its-okay-to-be-annoying) battle to the death??

Finally a "popular" show on a network designed for 20-something Broheims (kinda...umm...ME ;) ) DARES to find out! (And potentially piss off half the horror-geek fandom audience!)

And like Hell Sunshiners, what kind of Vampire would I be if I didn't take it on??



Deadliest Warrior Season 3 Episode 10: Vampires vs. Zombies

Info:

Featuring-- Richard "Mack" Machowicz -Former Navy SEAL/Military Strategy Advisor
Geoff Desmoulin --Ballistics/Weapons Test Advisor
Armand Dorian -ER Trauma Physician/Medical Advisor
Robert Daley --Combat Engine Designer



Year: 2011 (Series premiered in 2009)

Network: Spike TV


The Basic Scoop, The Poop, The Lowdown:

Now, I'm not going to go too deep into the background of the TV series (seeing as how I've only scoped it out maybe once or twice before now while flipping through the channels looking for the International Sexy Ladies Show (Oh wait, that's on G4) but DW is basically the TV equivalent of those 12pm "deep philosophical discussions" that you and your fratboy brothers would have in that mid-party lull before the next keg is tapped or when your pledge boy "Doofusface" comes back from his beer run, and you're all just trying to think of something "deep" to say to fill the dead air.

"Like, yo dude...have you ever wondered what it would, like, I dunno, like be like IF say a Spartan and a, shiiit, a Celtic warrior with like a bigass claymore..."

"Or a Ninja!"

"Yeaah maaan, F&^k yeah! Or like a Ninja, met in this parallel dimension and had to fight to the death...like, who would win...Do you guys...umm...think?""

No, they don't...think. LOL ;)

Deadliest Warrior is kind of like that...only picture that concept going on for THREE SEASONS of a TV show and that somebody actually put a little more thought and production value (read: anatomical dummies and ballistics gel) into it...without the beer buzz.

Caught up with the concept now? Good. :)

What's Pretty Good:

While yes, this IS Spike(a network known for it's uber-cheesy blatantly "trailer park macho" TV shows and "questionable" male product advertisers that I've made fun of MANY times in the past) the show is actually not as badly done as you might suppose.

The cast, the producers, Baldy (Mack Machowicz lol) or whoever makes the calls over there didn't just go for the comic...err...GRAPHIC NOVEL fanboy exploitation factor of having a Zombie-Vampie death match, they actually try to approach it scientifically.




Again, cue in the anatomical "tackling dummies" (with "real" organs" blood vessels, pressure sensors, and flesh-ripping action!) the use of mathmalogical algorithms etc.



They also go to the trouble of inviting known "horror gurus" such as Steve Niles the "graphic novelist" behind the pre-film, original 30 Days Of Night and Scott Bowen, the penmeister of The Vampire Survival Guide for Team Vampire.

(BTW, you should SOOO peruse my own SCATHING review of The Vampire Survival Guide after you're done with this, if you haven't read it already!)

On Team Zombie, they have Max Brooks the author of World War Z and Matt Mogk founder of the Zombie Research Society

(Whatever that is! ;) j/k!)

In other words, they don't just go all billy-nilly to their dark-hearted imagination's content, they operate the "experiment" under certain rules and criteria, set down of course by these so-called experts.

(Vampires being 6x stronger than a normal/Normie human, Zombies not being very smurt, never tiring working in huge swarms never one-on-one, etc.)

While I do like this idea, I also have a few bones to pick with it...which I will gladly express...wait for it....uhh....right...about....NOW.

(Go, scroll down! HURRY, QUICK!! We're racing each other!! :) )





What Kinda Sorta Really, Really Sucks:

Don't worry, I will try my best to not give anything away about the final dramtic outcome in case you haven't already seen the episode, but I do have to bring up a few quick points, that they may or MAY NOT have addressed/dealt with properly about Vampires in the episode.

(Hell, don't know WHY they didn't axe ME as a REAL expert on the topic to contribute in the first place. I'd be happy to devote some time to edumacate more of you poor Daywalkin' souls on the particulars of our kind. Guess they thought I was just too damn awesome and so famous to return their calls huh? ;) lol)

But seriously, how many times must I 'esssplain this, the vast majority of Vampires DO NOT SLEEP IN COFFINS!!

(Yeah, I know, Trish, but she's a freak!! ;) )

Also, removing the heart, nor staking a Vampire through the heart, and/or also to the ground simultaneous WILL NOT kill a Vampire permanently. (Though it IS a pretty big hit to our whole works and will most likely give you enough time to figure out alll by yoooourseeeelf what WILL keep us down for good while we're out-cold and regeneratating. ( PSSST BIG HINT: Get an axe, genius!! :P )




Oh, and Sunlight will NOT instantly kill a Vampire. No way, no how.

While yes, as I've said before, it DOES effect us, makes us sick, weakens us, and will probably kill us (in the long run) it messes with each Vampire differently, and it takes a LOT of constant exposure to it to do us in. If you're counting on that chucklehead 2 scoops of raisins guy comin' up from behind that building over there and through the clutch for you and turning me into an instant charcoal briquette, dude, you are SOO screwed!!

In addition to blood, I buy his delicious raisin-y manna breakfast goodness. We tight...daaaawg.

Also, probably surprisingly and ironic, while extreme quick blood loss WILL "kill" us, it will not KILL us (follow along with me so far? ;) lol ) Now don't get me wrong, heck yes we do need blood to survive, but ANY injury to the Vampire's body that isn't decapitoralogical...ish in nature will only take us down TEMPORARILY.

Now, we're going to be pretty damn desperate for the sanguine equivalential of a Big Gulp when we DO come to back out of unconsciousness, and if we don't get the red stuff quick like a bunny after having the"main tank" drained, we COULD permanently die (and/or be weaker and easier to finish off, READ: no super powers) but just saying, anytime a Vampire gets a "fatal" hit short of head loss, the regeneration mechanism kicks in automatically, and will still work with whatever traces of "the bug" are left in our bodies. It's in the brain, and the cells, the DNA...ummm.....yeaaah. ;)

A regular blood supply in which to partake is kinda like a power cord, to the main engine, and is necessary. But we do eat "regular food" too. We have "backup" strength stored up as an evolutionary emergency response for just such an occasion just in case the ol' jugular takes a whammo big-time swipe.

Nevermind the fact that no self-respecting Vampire would EVER let ANYTHING get in a clean shot there, least of all a walking corpse. Quite honestly, even IF a Zombie did get in some odd glancing blow in that EXACT spot with their "zombie hand" (W-T-F?) it would heal rather quickly, perhaps even quicker than it would take for all the blood to gush out.

Like I said, Vampires? Yeaaaah VERY hard to kill.




Oh, and one last thing I should point out that the DW team MAY or may not have overlooked, Vampires are not "technically" undead. (Though I don't mind the label much and even use it...it's cool! :) )

We're humans. still-LIVING mutated Humans "tricked out" to be "Nocturnal Preferential" predators. Not a dead body. When you think Vampires, think more in line with X-Men than Frankenstein or a belly-up armadillo. (Poor adorably dead roadkilled bastards!)

My point? Everything YOU can do Sunshine Boy, WE can do...(oh yeah, and do it better! lol. ;) )

We have no problems doing the same dang thing YOU would do if we were stuck in a Zombie Apocalypse. We like shotguns, flamethrowers, big boomers, and heavy walking corpse squishing half-ton horsepower churning vehicles with which to step on the gas and get the hell out of there too, splattering them on the windshield, just like you would do.

Yeah we got one-slash-one-kill claws on all our fingers. But you don't need no stinkin' claws, when you've got store-bought shotguns, rifles ( Thank you Bass Pro Shop! )and a big pickup truck bed full of explosive stuff. The hand picks'll do in a pinch, sure. But you know what else kicks ass in a pinch? Yeah, highly evolved human brains, and Vampire reflexes/speed/strength paired with expert marksmanship and hand-fighting skills.

Just saying. :P

Overall Analysis: B+



I like Zombies. No really I do. I like the whole swarming ewwy-gooey-gross claustrophobic panic scary goodness of their genre. I think George A. Romero is a god amongst men. Hell, I even think Michael Jackson's Thriller is one of the greatest music videos ever made. Them Zombies got sooooooul. ;)

But putting up a bunch-a-rotting dead virus-carrying Normies up against a pack of lifetimes-long Vampire buddies TO THE DEATH is like sending a couple of beer-guzzling weekend paintball "commandos" up against SEAL Team Six.

You WILL be owned...biaches!!

Bow down! :)

*Our Nocturnal Hero struts away as an Outro a certain appropriate hip-hop tune by 90's group Westside Connection*

--Chet