Monday, March 19, 2012
How To Sleep Like A Vampire
Contrary to what many of you Daywalkers believe, most of us Vampires don't sleep in coffins.
Sure, it can be a fabulous "scare" or "intimidation" tactic I suppose, supposing that the supposed person you’re trying to scare the blazing bejesus out of actually KNOWS that you’re a Vampire, and supposes that you actually supposedly want to scare this said person, and also supposes that you like saying supposes over and over again just to be annoying.
Nope, I don’t know where the idea came from. Perhaps from the fact that when many of us Vampires first get "The Bug" we tend to transition rather slowly, sometimes over a few hours to several days and nights, and at times during this process it may make the "inductee" appear as if dead. (But...SIKE...not true, not true at all suckahs!)
Then of course, when they pop out of the coffin with their morningwood in the middle of the night and scratching their nads through their Thundercats jammie shorts wanting to know if Momma made some blueberry buttermilk pancakes for breakfast (which are DEEELICIOUS btw) everybody else runs away screaming from the graveyard like chickens with their heads cut off because he or she just "rose from the dead."
(Though if they were a she, why would SHE have morningwood? Most mysterious...)
Then again, it could also be Dracula.
(Nooooo not that old movie Vampire dude with the flaming black cape and that pimped out widow’s brow, nor the 15th century prince from Waffle-House-a-lackia, or whatever the Hell his kingdom was called….his face looks like a Furby anyway...or...maybe Gonzo The Great!)
No, I mean Dracula
That 1897 novel by that sexy bearded Irishman Bram Stoker
The Irish dramatist turned novelist (and perhaps maybe even nudist, in his spare time, who knows??) first added the plot device so that his antihero Count Dracula MUST sleep in a coffin in order to regeneratate himself from night to night, that way, the all-powerful Drac could be somewhere stationary for long enough and easy enough for even Keanu Reeves...err...I mean JONATHAN HARKER, to find.
So Daywalker kiddos now you know...
And knowing is half the battle...GI JOOOOOOOE!!
But seriously, think about it. Would YOU want to spend a shitty-day’s-sleep trying to get your cartoon Zzzzz’s inside a glorified shipping crate or a humidor for decaying human flesh?
I don't THINK SOOO...
I have a Swedish-made Tempurpedic for phucks sake and a saucy modern bachelor style bed frame from Ikea to put it on...
...in hopes that if I sleep on top of something Swedish long enough, something Swedish (with nice big hooties) will come to sleep on top of me.
Of course this isn’t to say that none of us do the whole Gothic culture idiom...thing.
Trish sleeps in a coffin. A sexy jet-black one.
Though, I’m not entirely sure if you’d really consider it a coffin per se, seeing as how it has never been a Cracker Jack box for an aromatically wonderful rotting corpse. It’s custom made from a design that took her nearly 20 years to come up with.
She likes to refer to it as her “Personal Self-Storage Sleep and Panic Box.”
It’s actually a bigger, LONGER "coffin" than your standard size, more than TWICE the length and the GIRTH.
(Much like yours truly Wink-wink! )
And it’s made out of some kind of really sturdy military grade industrial metallic alloy, yet she claims it can float if necessary.
”Made tough enough to withstand any major apocalyptic flood, famine, government scientist regenerated velociraptor or random Yetti attack while you sleep!”
(as opposed to say, your MINOR garden variety apocalyptic floods I guess!)
It's big enough for two Vampies to sleep in together in designer sheet-ed comfort, has built in flat-screen digital TV on the inside lid, it’s bulletproof, it can be locked from the inside airtight, it has its own ventilation, heating, and cooling systems, well concealed miniature cameras so she can see outside while she's inside, an intercom, min-stereo speakers, and an ingenious set of charger docks for her cellphone and IPod.
"Tula, but what about the dual 20 MM machine guns and the built-in Geiger counter?? I swear, you’re turning into a slacker in your old age missy...a slacker!!"
"(Sarcastically slaps her bright green pig-tailed self in the forehead) D'OOOH! I KNEW I'd forget something important, SHIT!!"
I'm seriously surprised that Trish ever comes out of that thing at all.
Don’t even get me started on her electricity costs for her slumber monstrosity, if Trish’s “carbon footprint” were her ass size, she’d make J-Lo cry and pee her panties with panty pissing envy! Luckily for Trisher, she’s been around for centuries and accumulated enough “bread” that she can afford it.
Oh, she’s been trying to get me to let her build one for me…she’s had the schematic for my “Box” next to her favorite welding torch “Charie Burns” for years…tinkering with her plans from time to time, trying to come up with the right combination of goodies and gadgets so I’ll go along with her mad schemes…
"I’ll even do it for the FRIEND’S DISCOUNT PRICE...400 thou...right off the top! Cooomeooon...It'd be fun whaddya say, sir, whaddya say??"
Even assuming I had the kind of bankroll that I could AFFORD such a Vampire executive expensive sleep system, or that it would even fit comfortably in my rat hole of an apartment, somehow I don’t think I’m the type of guy for a coffin shaped metal fortress in the middle of my bedroom.
Then again, there’s always my Birthday...and I’m a very difficult manwhore to buy things for.
Anyhoo, it’s getting very VERY early…. And I gotta strip all the way down and get my ass ready for bed.
Good Morning folks!! I promise not to let the bedbugs bite!
(Unless they’re Swedish and have big hooties!)
Good Morning Comb, Good Morning Brush, Good Morning Old Lady in the Rocking Chair Whispering Hush,