Thursday, July 14, 2011

Vampires Are Great Americans

a vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general

This may come as a shock to some of you Daywalker Normie types, but the Fourth Of July is kinda a big deal with many of us Vampires.

(Or at least, those of you Nocuturnal bruthas and sistahs who CLAIM to be American! ;) )

Vampires are Great Americans baby!


Nothing wrong with teasin' them for not being original 100% American originally orginal like ME right quick. ;)

You'd think, given everything else I've already told you about us vampires before that it really wouldn't be our thing.

What, with the fact that it's a festivus held most often in the most balls-blazingly hot'n'sweaty time of year and all, and how we tend to wilt a bit in heat, and how it's loud and fiery and how we don't tend to like either loud noises OR being set on fire (accidentally, on-purpose, or accidentally on purpose :P )

...OR the fact that many of us are centuries older than Hugh Hefner's mummified non-firing replica "collector's edition" penis and scrotum set, so that we SHOULDN'T feel any particular loyalty to any country at all.

You know, since we have that embarrassing repeated tendency to outlive them all. (Ooopsies, I seemed to have accidentally let my pants slip down to my ankles and simultaneously outlasted my third banana republic this week soooo...ummm....ya'wanna see a...banana? ;) lol )

Yet, I don't think I've ever met one of us who lives here/claims their "current" citizenship here who doesn't love the living snot out of Independence Day. Even that annoying devilspawn Tice.

(Oh, I haven't told you about my Vampiric buttplug of a nemesis yet have I? Weeeeell...I'll get to that eventually...I hope. Just take my word for it, the dude sucks. I mean, he calls himself TICE for crissakes. What more proof do you need that what I say is true? I rest my case. On your face.:) )

Annnnnnnywaaaaay, He loves America. Virtually they all have a soft spot in their putrefying little hearts for this nation and it perplexes me.

Hey, don't ask me WHY, how should I know?

Yeaaaaah I might be one of them....now. But Hell, I ain't old (and I REFUSE to hear anything otherwise! lol ;) ) but like you Sunshine, I grew up with all that "We won The War/Go USA/EatYour Sugar Smacks or I'll Beat YOU with a belt love-the-USA" gung-ho crap.

My Dad was a Marine remember? It's nothing new to me. And you'd THINK it wouldn't be new to them either. Especially Remmy. God love him, he's my best friend, but for reals, he's also a pointy-earred fang-teefed codger who's seen it all. Yet sometimes I'm seriously concerned he will spaz out with near orgasmic joy and personally wet himself every time he hears the "dramatic finish" to Lee Greenwood's signature (ad-nauseum) hit God Bless The USA

Have you ever seen a Vampire cry? I have Sunshiners. Remmy every year at our annul Fourth get-together party, and lemme tell you guys, it ain't pretty.

Yeaah all us local "Nocturnal Preferentials" and the women (and the she-hes :P ) who love them get together either on the eve of the Fourth or a couple hours after sundown and have our own version of a Fourth Of July picnic at an increasingly larger super-duper secret undisclosed location. I swear, every year it gets to be bigger than the last one.

You'll never see so many red white and blue streamers and people wearing so many plastic Uncle Sam hats.

(OOOR a punch bowl filled to the brim with nice freshly cooled cow blood directly next to an INDENTICAL punch bowl of Hawaiian Punch So do you feel LUCKY Daywalker....punk? lol ;) )

Or so many really pale people singing so much patriotic karaoke or singing it so very badly, nor a short Vampire pixie chick in pigtails going absolutely apeshit happily squealing down a store-bought slip'n'slide.

Liberal, Conservative, Black White, Brown, or Mauve. 50, 25, 100, or 500, it doesn't matter. If they have fangs, then they always guarantee to have a great time and act like a little kid again for the Fourth.

I suppose, as always, Remmy put the reason for all this in the best of terms. "When you were born an illiterate serf to a lord, and now you're a wealthy man living in a free country with synthetically cooled air for your house, you appreciate it all the more. You never forget where you came from."

Nooope, when you put it that way, you really don't.

Old Uncle Chet's List For The ESSENTIALS For An AWESOME Texas 4TH Of July Party



ALRIGHT DAMNIT I'LL COUNT MY BLESSINGS...Jeeesaaas! :) lol

But in all seriousness, I hope you're having a great Summer so far, and that you had a wonderful Fourth Of July! :)

--Chet

a cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general

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