Thursday, May 12, 2011

The TV Habits of A Vampire

a vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general


Have you fine blogfolk watched some of the commercials they have on late-night TV over the last few years?

It's okay if you don't, because duur...you're daywalkers (well MOST of you) so you wouldn't know about those kinds of things..

But, I'm a dashingly handsome Vampire (who is also obsessed with TV ) so the night, late night, and the wee hours of the morning...err...night is the big period when I'm most active.

Big DUUR: Part II


In any rate, I gotta find something to peruse on the tele' usually History Channel re-broadcasts of the Astros latest late inning rout (when in season ) or in the past watching rock hard fit and scantly clad Japanese men and women (especially the women) scale contrived obstacles and ride pogo sticks and unicycles to the screams of another Japanese announcer dude going apeshit over their every little move....

( A. K.A. re-runs of Ninja Warrior and Unbeatable Banzuke oh and Ghost Hunters too! )




As funny and/or as interesting as some of this late night TV show-age can be, I often find that some of the funniest stuff is actually in THE COMERCIALS...

For starters, you have these ads for a certain homeopathic joint pain relief spray (don't know what difference it makes what the sexual orientation is of a spray bottle anyway....those damned BIGOTS!! LOL )

Dr. Frank's Joint Relief Spray: Helping Tackily-dressed Florida Snowbird dorks have more fun!


And, I'm sure they're all nice people...but did they REALLY have to find such dorky people to endorse their product?

Especially the retired doctor guy at the beginning of the ad....who they show being interviewed and then swimming in a pool with his head all stiff-necked above the water with a nerdy grin on his face...

"I pretty much quit playing tennis because of the POUNDING....”

As I hear that I'm honestly sarcastically thinking as I'm gulpng down yet another helping of my "Bloody Tears" goat's blood shine...

Where ARE you playing tennis dude? The shower room at the COUNTY JAIL?


The clip at the end where they show that same dude riding a bicycle in short SHORT shorts and a gawd awful red, white, and blue 1980's style polo shirt is just priceless...

Oh...it gets even better from there!

Then, there's these commercials for this product called Bell and Howell's Sonic Hearing

It's this bulky sound amplifier that seriously has all the super secretive spy ninjitsu concealment ability of perhaps a first generation walkman....


Did I mention the actors in the ad take their cues from silent movies?

This older lady is adorably hilarious with her hand gesture of cupping up to her ear like she's DESPERATLY trying to pick up EVERY sound...and then switches over to her again with the device now and she proudly declares a'la a 1950's Government anti-Communist propaganda film

"NOW I have SONIC HEARING!!"

Wait, there's yet ANOTHER diabolically funny old dude in this one...


He looks like what a cloned mutant love-child of Pat Boone and Gary Busey would look like...and he's in more than half the demonstration clips of the multiple uses of Sonic Hearing....

He's shown in bed in the dark with his wife sleeping next to him and he's watching the tube using his Sonic Hearing with all the over-enthusiasm of a 12-year boy just getting his pubes last week and watching his first porn film.

Then, there's another clip where his grown "daughter" is supposedly on the phone telling someone about a surprise birthday present she just got for him...and...you guessed it.... there he is on the back deck skulking around with that "can-do" grin, oh-so-happy that he's regularly eavesdropping on his daughter's phone conversations!

Don't worry, You can catch him again at the end of the ad in a Lumberjack shirt out in the middle of nowhere bobbing his head like one of the Roxbury Guys to the music on a Chinese made micro AM/FM "personal radio" that you get free with every order of Sonic Hearing....

Oh yeah...and did you know that Sonic Hearing is the PEEERFECT device for all you insecure young crisp, all-American white-bread looking dudes to take to the gym with you so you can always hear if chicks working out across the room are talkng about how HOT looking you are?



GIRL A: (With all the enthusiasm of a GITMO detainee under interrogation) "Hey do you see that guy over there?"

GIRL B:
(equal level of energy in her voice) "Yeah. He looks pretty cute."

( Dorky dude smiles a delighted evil smirk as he hides in plain sight by the exercise machines and gives himself an air fist bump )

*END SCENE*

Dude, you know, you COULD try maybe actually TALKING to girls instead of just SPYING on them? Just a little hint!



Good stuff, good stuff....but the BEST one of all is this last one....

The"Male Enhancement" product with the E Name that will supposedly give you a more pronounced...uhh..."Crooked E" when you need it most?


O-M-G...What a GOLD mine of laughs!!

First off, the "actor" they bring out to first talk about the product is some dude I KNOW I saw once faux-boinking the Hell out of Shannon Tweed in a Skinamaxx film in the early 90's....

Then there's this blonde chick that I swear has the biggest "deer in the headlights " eyes I've seen in awhile " If you're not satisfied with E--- we'll give you your money back blah, blah blah..."

BUT...the best, best, BEST "PART" (pun intended ) of all is the "Woman on the Street " interviews with "actual" customer dudes!!

The reactions on the girfriends' faces who all these guys happen to be out with when these ambush interviews happen are just priceless!!

ExtenZe: Makes your baloney pony bigger so random reprter chicks can bug you about it in public!


(I mean, ladies, how would YOU react if some strange pinup girl type woman stuck a microphone in your beau's face on a PUBLIC and in a very LOUD voice was like, " So...has your Cock gotten BIGGER yet??" )

And the dudes are SOO funny looking too!!




(Particularly the last one...a little white dude with a puffed up Cracker version of North Korean Dictator Kim Jong IL's hairstyle....every time I see him I practically giggle like a schoolboy!! )

Ahhh...the simple pleasures in late night life folks...the simple pleasures....huzzah.

So then....


Are You A "Night Owl Type?

Have you seen any of these ads on TV?

How do you feel about Men who feel the need to use a "Male Enlargement" supplement?

What would you do if some chick just walked up to your guy on the street and asked him "If His Penis Enhancing Pills were working out for him yet?"

Don’t Let ANYBODY Lay A Finger On Your Butterfinger!

--Chet

a cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general

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