Thursday, February 3, 2011

Vampires, The Sims 3, and OMG I Have To Pee (Again!)

To close out the week, let me slip on this cap for size...

Get your Vampire Pimp on with the Sims 3: Late Night!



...But we're going to be doing things a little differently. Those of you who are loyal regular (as in bowel movements) readers of this blog (all 3 and 1/2 of you...LOL j/k ) are used to me using the "Reviews" section of my blog for really crappy/horror/B-Movie/Goat/Chicken/Orangutan Porn flicks. HOWEVER...

...I love duct tape and nacho cheese!! ;)

Actually, what I meant to say was, that I've always SAID in the "fine print" (in my mind :P ) that I will reserve the right to, on occasion, on a moment of pure whimsy, (or... gas....) to review whatever the heck I wanted.

So, for tonight, I'm going to take on something I've wanted to do for quite a while, but was too busy (by busy= getting cornholed in the Travis County drunk tank...you Daylickin' Revenuer scum!! ;) LOL j/k ) to put out in a more timely manner. Better late than never...right?? (Pretend you agree, nod along, come on now... :) )

Or, as if you don't know what I mean, I'm referring to....

Sims 3 Late Night: Now with Vampires...umm....MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

The Sims 3: Late Night Expansion Pack

As I'm sure you've deduced, whether you were/are/or will be completely sober...or NOT when you stumbled on to this blog, there's a "special" (ED ) reason why I just MIGHT be curious about this particular edition of the Sims 3 series, even though it's my galpal Trish who usually plays it, (like the little demented punk-haired computer gamer crackhead she is) and provides me with crude visual renderings from the game depicting us (in lieu of my usual chickenscratch retarded Neolithic cave art style drawings ;) ) yaknow just doing... stuff...

Annnnwaaaay, THE EDITION HAS VAMPIRES!!


Sims 3 Late Night: See? now with rich'n'creamy Vampires!


And I'm a...uhh.... "Nocturnal Preferential" entity,( yes, REALLY...) just in case perhaps you missed the giant FANGS when you came in the door (You were looking at my throbbing hard cock again, weren't you?? )

You freak!! :P

Oh sure, this is nothing totally new for the Sims franchise. They had Vampires in The Sims 2 or more specifically, the Sims 2: Nightlife Expansion Pack. Sure, I also took a quick (like less than 15 minute, minus monkey spanking ;) ) to look at it, and as soon as I saw the NPC dude with the widow's brow and cape I (blew my load...err I mean) KNEW that it sucked. I would've written a review of that one as well, but I didn't have a blog back then (not to mention I was busy having frequent dates with yo Mamma! ;) )

Sims 3 Late Night: Some Sims know how to mack, some don't!

The Basic Scoop, The Poop, The Lowdown:

It's The Sims Sunshiner G, only thrice over. It's a cartoon people living cartoon lives simulator. Kinda like playing with dolls in virtual dollhouses for gamer dudes and gamer chicks. In this EP, you get to take your A-Sim-Pimp Game to the big city. (They call it "Bridgeport" but it's obviously a stand-in for the NYC.) Live in apartments (a clear throwback to I think to Sims 2: Apartment Life go clubbin' and try to slip your way past the bouncers, or start a band with your "Simulated Buddies" and try to be the next big thing, or be a bartender, or a celebrity silver-screen superstar, or perhaps...duh...a VAMPIRE.

It's all happenin' and it's happenin' at night...perhaps even, very LATE at night...hence, the title. (pauses for applause.) You're Welcome.


What's Pretty Good:

A lot.

Next question! ;)

But seriously, even though I wouldn't consider myself even remotely a "Simmer" I can tell that the dudes over at EA Games do try to put out a pretty solid product, and listen to input from their rapidly insane...err...I mean FAITHFULLY DEVOTED Sims fans. ;) As I said, I primarily tested it out for the Vampire angle (which I will address in its own section in just a sec) but there was still some solid entertainment to be had from doing some of the other stuff included in the expansion too. I always like to look over Trish's shoulder at the absurd actions she makes her little creations do (I.E. pissing on themselves etc ) which are cutely funny, or simulating life as a bartender, or playing instruments and clubbing. Bringing back the Hot Tub was a nice touch!

Sims 3 Late Night: Nothing like gettin' your virtual pimp on in a hot tub!


What Kinda Sorta Really, Really Sucks:


I didn't go TOO in-depth with it, but I remember there being a "Travel" Expansion Pack coming out for this game, I think maybe a year before? Where your Simmies could travel to different places, so why isn't it possible for them to go from town-to-town? You've got all this great cityscape stuff, yet your sims in your original Sunny town can't go and appreciate it unless you "clone" them into it? What's that about? Also, maybe I just missed it, but I seem to vaguely recall from the original game there being an "Open Mike" stage where your sims could go do dramatic monologues and stuff. The few times I played that game over at Trish's, I loved making this dorky sim I created do really bad puppet shows for unwilling public on it. Where is that thing? I'm also not particularly keen on how the EA big-wigs put less "stuff" into their newer games in order to make you pay more money to buy even more virtual stuff from their website or to pay for "Stuff Packs" that cost almost as much as the Expansion Packs themselves. I'm told that this is a common PC game industry thing nowadays, which is probably one of the reasons I don't play "modern" video games as much.

Still gotta deduct points from your score for it Maxis/EA folk! Sorry! :P


The Vampire Factor:

NOOOW, the part you came for. As a casual peruser of these games (and Vampire) this is what makes or breaks it all for me. And I gotta tell you Daywalker guys, I wasn't expecting much. I had played Sims 2 briefly as a Vampire incarnation of myself, and I don't think I made it longer than 45 minutes before I deleted myself out of Trisher's little computer world FOREEEEVEEER. S2's Vampires were just so cliched and limiting. Too dang sensitive to sunlight...even indoors. You really couldn't do ANYTHING...unless you cheated!!



Sims 3's Vampires? BRAVO!!

For once, SOMEBODY in the pop culture world gets it right!! :) They're about as close (in a Shreck-esque G-Rated animated video game sense) to what we're REALLY like!! While the sunlight IS a factor, it just makes you a tad ill the more you're out in it, but when you go inside you're more or less safe (as it does to us in real life! ) The "transition" process isn't instantaneous. (Just as it is in real life.) Virtually ALL of our "added perks" of being Nocturnal are included. Vampire Sims age, but more slowly than "Normie" Sims ( again, just like in real life) and there's even an option to get "Plasma" that's stored from your fridge. (Oooo can't say BLOOD, might be too violent and SCARREEE! for the lil'rugrat punks! But otherwise, not bad. Hey, it's how most of us get our fill!! )

I have to say, I was impressed. I could actually pretend to live my life as it is for once. My only real complaints about this feature are the "Plasma Fruit" bush and the fact that maybe there isn't quite enough of a change in the Sims color pallor when they turn, and their fang sizes are kinda small...but since those can vary quite a bit among us from Vampire to Vampire ( gee, sounds like a sitcom :P ) it's all not a huge beef. (Unlike my penis! :P )



I guess Trish's relentless caffeine, blood, and crack-fueled write-in campaign to the Sims Unit developers over at EA pre-game launch DEMANDING realistic Vampires FINALLY paid off!

Overall Game Grade: B +



To sum up, if you're already playing S3 pretty religiously, and you don't have the S3: Late Night EP, then you'll most likely enjoy this one, more or less, as much as the others, so buy it already jeez, you SLACKER!!. If you're a casual gamer to the Sims Universe, you'll have a pleasant brief diversion for an hour or two. But if you're a casual Sims Gamer and a Vampire...well...you'll finally get to have in on the fun you've been missing out on. We're now no longer a cheap moldy Halloween horror sock puppet cliche' REAL Vampires have FINALLY arrived in the Sims people.

Wear a cup.

*BWAAAAANNNNNNNNG!*

-- Chet


a cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general

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