Monday, January 31, 2011

5 Ways To Improve The State Of The Union

a vampire blogger who writes about movies, horror, pop culture and whatever other crap he feels like!!

As I'm sure you know, the State Of The Union was last week, and while YES, the fact that I'm just NOW getting to a post about it is truly pathetic, let us also not forget that it's ME here you're dealing with, and not some prattlin' political hack in a combover and tie from three styles ago.

I instead, have come up with 5 VERY easy ways to make the worldest most well-known political theatre circlejerk just a bit more "digestible" for the masses...skip along with me through it, oh gentle friend! :)

State Of The Union: We All KNOW it Really Sucks!!

5 Ways To Improve The State Of The Union Speech

Include a powerpoint presentation with "visual" aides to POTUS' speech, broadcast on screens throughout the chamber, that may or MAY NOT be entirely relevant to the topic at hand. (Pie charts, flow-charts, Non-Flow Charts, Harleys, Bikini clad Women, Bikini clad Men, etc.) Also inter-mix in pictures of "sentimental" things like little fuzzy bunny rabbits, puppies, and chilens in their jammies making breakfast for Mommie on Sunday morning, then fast zoom in on John Boehner's face (aka "The Crybaby Cam" ) to seeing if he's "Weepy" yet.

John Boehner: Cryer-In-Chief

4. Include specially designated persons (from Congressional pages, the Capitol Police etc) to act as "Quick Waker-Uppers" who would randomly free-roam the chamber to "assist" those who start to nod off with tools such as heavy college textbooks to drop on the floor, 12 inch rulers, smelling salts, and Monster-Truck-Rally-grade Airhorns.

3. Either in addition to, or in lieu of breaks for applause, there could be installed several "Danse' " flashing cue signs, and when these would come on, the"Bootyfat" old school Rap/Hip-Hop hit "Hip Hop Hooray" by Naughty By Nature or "Jump Around" byHouse Of Pain would play and the distinguished "honorable" members of Congress would get Jiggy accordingly. (You gotta admit, seeing some 435+ stuffy old Congressmen doing "The Pogo" all in unison like MTV Spring Breakers would be freakin' hilAAAArious! :P )

BONUS: If you haven't heard it already, there's an "Urban Legend" going around that President Obama is the first President ever to appear in a Hip-Hop music video, or more specifically "Whoomp There It Is" by Tag Team At around the 0:50-1:00 mark, look for the dude on a retro cellphone and in MIB shades with big's EEERIE I tell you!! B) :D lol

2. Product Placement. 'Nuff said!

and last but certainly not least....

1. Have a Normal-sized man and a Midget man dressed in matching Black leather jackets, Black Government agent Sunglasses, fedoras, Levis 501's, and white T-shirts. Normal Dude carries a mysterious briefcase and the Midget holds a chrome silver 80's boombox which would be blasting a newer version of the "Peter Gun Theme" by Art Of NoiseThe duo would swagger in-step to the big doors of the House Chamber, whereupon normal dude would coolly flip open briefcase. Inside would be a large 18th century style parchment, a cartoon-sized hammer, and a large railroad spike. Midget would set boombox on the floor by the door and stand with arms folded over chest, legs spread at the hips, in a "Bouncer Stance" forming a perimeter between his partner and the gathering crowd of befuddled people. Normal dude would then loudly nail parchment to the door with hammer and spike. Once completed, Normal Dude would turn with a clicking-heels flourish to line up precisely with his midget bodyguard. Midget switches off boombox, and then they together would silently bow, tipping their fedoras together to the onlookers. Just as quickly and quietly as they appear, they duo disappears, Midget carrying boombox in his arms, Normal Dude carrying Midget with one arm like a toy dog, briefcase in other hand. The parchment is the President's speech, done in 95 quick-fire bulletpoints, which would NOT be shown to ANYONE beforehand! It would conclude after an ellipses (... ) by saying " AND THE STATE OF OUR UNION... SUCKS!!" the President's signature in big bold blood-red ink done in the medieval styling of Vlad Dracula with a wax seal depicting a large goose set on a dinner table at the bottom.

Yeaaap, I think all those would do rather nicely...I think I'd call this one "pathetically AWESOME" how about you??

Have a happy Monday Blogsters! B)


a cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general

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