Friday, October 1, 2010

Vampire Rules

Contrary to what you may think Sunshine, when you're a Vampire you don't suddenly become all Powerful.


a vampire blogger who writes about movies, horror, pop culture and whatever other crap he feels like!!



It's actually kind of amazing in a way how utterly...uhh...the SAME your life stays when you go from being one type of human species to the next. If you were rich and uppity-crusted before, you'll probably remain so afterwards, and if you were a slacker before you turned, you'll stay one immediately afterwards. (Though if you had the sexy muscular tan of a living god, you're going to get screwed! :P ) In fact, if you've been raised on all that processed cheese food bullcrap Hollywood movies have been putting out about Vampires, you can actually find becoming one to be....a bit of a let down.

If you think that just because you grew razor sharp fangs and can move faster, better, longer ( * Cue super-duper-slowmo sound effect from the Six Million Dollar Man here * ;) )





.... that you're going to be able to go psycho and do whatever you want...think again.

There are rules buster!!

*Groan* Yeah that's what I said....Freddy's Dead....oh and that there are rules.

Or perhaps maybe more like guidelines. I mean it's not like we rent out some ginormous stadium in Boise, Pawtuckettville, or Detroit and have a convention to make up these rules while wearing funny patriotic Vaudeville style hats and facepaint whilist holding up signs that say "Bush/Dick '04" or "MAKE VAMPIRES NOT WAR" or "I'm With Stupid" or "JOHAN 3:16" or anything. (Hopefully! :P )

convention hats are stupid as Hell, but these hot chicks do make me...uhh...HORNY!

They're more like Traditions I guess.





But we don't sing them....we pantomime them with our genitals lol ;)

For example one of the big ones is NO ATTACKING YOU GUYS (unless you attack us first ;) )

How else do you think we can keep our existence mostly undercover cop...ish? Thank goodness that most of us see ourselves as human as the next Tom, Dick, and LeKikki so that's not a huge problem nowadays..

Another one is that you always have to be mindful of who's watching you. You can't start going all super-human fast with the Vampire speed moves or the bursts of feats of uber macho strength IN PUBLIC just because you FEEL like it. (Okay so I fudge this one from time to time so what? I don't like goofy looking chickish clown cars like the Prius parked next to my orgasmatically awesome pickup...so yeaaah I've been known to make parking arrangement changes on the fly...it's fun! :) )

Also no screwing around with the lives of the kiddies...I.E. no purposefully making the Normie's little ones into fang-toothed near immortals. It's irresponsible...and besides Kirsten dunce...err...I mean Dunst kind of scared us off from that proposition. ;)

claudia vampire funny


Oh yeah and another big one that sounds a tad Highlander...ish is if someone Normie sees you do something unbelievably miraculous (I.E. they just decided to whimsically blow you...away with a shotgun for fun and profit, and moments later, you pop back up unscathed except for a ruined designer shirt that has gone all bloody menstrual on you in the middle) you have to get out of Dodge STAT!!

And probably the most broad, yet MUY IMPORTANTE rule of all is NO DOING ANYTHING STUPID!! Like say, vampirizing someone's dog, no matter how cool it is and how much cooler it would be if it were a Vampire Doggie...

Vampire Puppy!! AAAAAH!!

Vampire Puppy strikes again!!




 vampire puppies LOVE Trick'er'Treating!!




...or on the flipside using it as a Blood Pepsi because it's never-ending barking keeps you up all day. The point here sunlit buckos is YES we have "morals" of sorts. Mindless blood-drinking monsters we ain't. Keep that in mind will you!!

Oh and keep your pipsqueaky Normie noses clean!

--Chet



a cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general

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