Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Whimsical Art Of Blind Dates

a vampire blogger who writes about mivies, horror, pop culture and whatever other crap he feels like!!


So, it seems I MAY have yet another "setup" type date coming in my future... (yawn) which in turn got yours truly thinking about....


Signs that the Blind Date is Already OVER...

When he introduces himself to your boobs instead of your face (A classic!)

GonZAAgas!! KNOCKERS!! Cones!!


Your blind date is Gilbert Gottifried ( "AFFFFLAAAAACK!!")

The most annoying voice in the world!

When an unholy army of ninjas show up crashing through the walls of the restaurant just to kick your ass





He's a black dude with no rhythm





She has a pet Skull Island Rat Monkey and it just bit her before she left the house. (B-Movie horror fans will be the only ones who'll get that!)

Don't let the Rat Monkey take a bite out of you!

She reveals she works for TX DPS and hasn't had sex in over 15 years (AKA Texas' D-M-V)

He insists on going to dinner with you and Mr. Piney C. Pineblock, his best friend/ventriloquist dummy


Sow puppets and love dolls, all in one!

You find out your blind date is really Quatto from the movie Total Recall

It's not acid reflux, it's a mutant f'king baby from Mars!

SHE has a bigger bulge than you do

He reveals to you over pre-dinner drinks that his "real passion in life" is miming and he's been a mime for 10 years

Mimes, AHHH!! GET AWAAAAY!!


You take a peek in his wallet and all his wallet photos are "tastefully done" boudoir/Lingerie pics of goats ;)

If Your date digs goat porn, you're in trouble!!


She repeatedly "greets" the waiter every time he comes to your table by unceremoniously grabbing his crotch.

He insists that every woman who has dinner with him in a restaurant MUST sit in his lap.

"She" has an Adam's Apple.

In lieu of flowers, he greets you at your door with plane tickets to Dubai and says you're BOTH leaving right after the date...SURPRISE!!

He's got the Shiekh brings all the girls to the yard...


As she's "casually" discussing her Exs, she breaks out a keychain voodoo doll and begins stabbing it like crazy with her steak knife.

Love is Evol..


Her tall buff-as-Hell Ex suddenly shows up still in workout shorts. While loudly arguing with her, his huge longwanger accidentally falls into your butter dish.

Buff dudes: They make me wanna hurl!


He NEVER EVER takes off his mirrored sunglasses...especially at night! B)






Signs The Blind Date has already "closed the deal..."

He's the Indian dude from Heroes (Every woman I know wants to bang that guy! ;) )

She's a double-jointed Gymnast or Ballet Dancer.

Gymnast: Instant lust, just add flexibility!



He demonstrates with a big cocky smile that he can bench-press you ANND and your GF who you brought for "safety" purposes






He's a firefighter or a Marine.

 Date Semper Fi!


She's a beautiful lass of 5'0-5'1 and has NATURAL 34 DD's

She showed up classy gorgeous, dressed to the nines, and proves she's smart as well. Yet, as you're leaving the restaurant, you pass a metal fan cooling the entrance. She bends down and begins talking through the fan grate in a "robot" voice..."I ammmm IRRRROOOONMAAAAAN..." (sorry, but I think that kinda dorkish stuff from chicks is hot! :) )

He gets into friendly conversations with just about everybody you meet on the date, leaving them all happy. He gives a ridiculously awesome tip to your waitress, after you both learn she's a single Mom pulling a double shift, and about her three young kids. She cries profusely with joy when she finds his gift...and so do you!

She shows up to your backyard football game with you and your friends, and is the only chick/GF/Wife there with two lines of black face paint under her eyes.

I think we're gonna have to do A LOT more than two-hand touch!


He's a long haired rock musician

As she reaches down to get her phone out of her purse, her blouse pops up revealing her PERFECT six pack abs!! :P

Abs on chicks make Dudes DROOL!!

When you're walking home together to his place, you're confronted by a big dog that deep down scares the crap out of you. Without saying a word, he firmly takes you by the hand, getting between you and the dog, and leads you gently away with him... until the "danger" is past.

She has a vibrating tongue piercing :P

He has a conspicuous LONG cylindrical bulge that hugs his leg and goes nearly all the way down to his kneecap! ;)

Ewww!! CROTCH BULGE!! EWW!!


She has awesome cat-like reflexes...

And ONE MORE...

She reveals she's a an extremely hard-bodied bisexual personal trainer who loves Shakespeare and Jane Austen novels. :)

So... your turn blogsters pray tell me...

What Are some of YOUR signs a date is going to go badly?? And how about some GOOD signs that they've already "won you over?"

Happy Wednesday Daywalkers!

--Chet

a cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general

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