Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Retro Rant: The "Issues" With Being A Vampire

Feelin' a tad lazy this fine evening, and on top of that, I had to help a Nocturnal buddy with transportation after he liberated his piece-of-crap carro from inpound slavery...

Here, have some awesome stanky leftovers!! :)

a vampire blogger who writes about mivies, horror, pop culture and whatever other crap he feels like!!

...In the form of only my second ever Rant/Blogpost... from like two years ago....enjoy!!


One of the most common misconceptions people have about us “Nocturnally Preferential” people is…well….that we aren’t people. OR, that we USED to be people. Wrong dude, wrong. Do people with a cold suddenly cease to be worthy of humanity and are thus referred to as the “Insane Mucus Beasts” until the cold dies its horribly coldy Vitamin C-ridden death? Hell no! Oy, why in the blazing bejesus are you smirking at me like that? This is a serious philosophical point I’m making about mucus suffering humans…it ‘snot funny in the slightest!! SNOT FUNNY…get it?


Anyway, it’s all weird. And what’s up with those infected with Vampiritis being called the undead anyway? Are people who are made into voodoo pretend zombies referred to as the undead?? Well, I DON’T KNOW…that’s why I was asking you…stupid stupid blog!! (lol j/joshin' you! ;) )

But I do digress as I try to dress….and write at the same time.

Contrary to popular cultural belief though, we don’t all sleep in coffins…or even in coffin shaped beds…it’s most of you normie goth whippersnappers who do that zhit…

Whippersnappers…God I love that word!

Whippersnappers, whippersnappers, whippersnappers!!

It’s like assuming that because I’m also Scottish that I spend all my days walking around in a kilt without Spideyman underoos on underneath and that my balls and chest are covered with a thick red bush and I do nothing but drink, brawl, and swear all day.

Chester W. McNabb…at your service!

Actually, now that I reflecticate on it, it would be kind of fun….vampire in a black and blue with white tartan plaid in a jet black coffin bed…the gothy chicks would practically devour me and my banana wingy-McDingus if I endeavored to do such things!

Oh wait…I’m only Scottish-American….nor do I have the red bush….so what? I’m not an all manly cool Neanderthal Scotsman…sue me!!

Actually DON’T sue me…I really don’t have shit.

Despite being a Vampire and a dude who has stayed young and boyishly handsome looking (read: looking the same age) for more than 20 years, I haven’t gotten all saucy posh and uber sophisticated.

Seriously dude, try wearing a purple waistcoat with a frilly white ascot at your next tractor pull, illegal boxing match, kegger at a friend’s house, or even illegal-boxing match/tractor pull-kegger…at a friend’s house.

It doesn’t really work.

Oh, and before you make me say it, (since I know you MUST be thinking it…as if a blog had a brain lol ;) )

…No, I’m not gay.

Thank the “Mistress of Vampire Fiction”…the Grand Dutchess RICE-a-roni of New Orleans herself for that one…

Though, like any other minority interest group in American society we have our gay members…maybe even slightly higher than average…but still not all of us, and certainly not me.

Vampire FICTION…if there ever was a more true statement about that lady wordsmithy’s work!

Don’t get me wrong though, it’s all pretty good stuff…just laughably untrue.

I hear tell she’s cranking out books about Jesus now….which is probably a good thing, since she doesn’t know diddly squadoosh about Vampires!

I’d still BOINK the Hell out of her though.

OY? Did I just WRITE that?!


Well…too late to take it back now. (Evil fangy smile.)

Yes…we can still boink, shag, phuck, splack, roger, make love, spread the man-ga-laze all over her toast, make wild monkey lovin’s or whatever other euphuism for sex you choose to use!

No, we don’t live forever…though it takes us a helluvalong time to age. (In most cases.) No, a cross doesn’t scare me for shit! (But I do DESPISE the smell of too much garlic…even before I was…infected.) I can’t turn into a bat, my reflection still shows up in a mirror, pond, or a bald dude’s really REALLY shiny Mr. Clean-level cueball head. Oh and when we go outside in the daytime we don’t burst into an 80’s metal grade video pyrotechnical ball of flames extravaganza…

Well….not most of us!

(Though, it would be a TOTALLY GNARLY way to go if we actually did... ;) )

Real Vampire peoples are actually kinda……uhh……..normal…..and as…uhh….boring as everybody else.

Sucks huh?

Yeah well TOO BAD…it’s 7:30 PM-ish and I gotta get ready for workies….

Slowly whistles away without telling them about all the really cool bonus Vampire super-powersy kinda stuff…

‘Tilll next time Daywalking LOOOSEEERS… ( Har…just kidding! :) )

Ta to the break of dawn,


a cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general

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