Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Razorblade Smile Reviews: Vampires On Bikini Beach

For tonight I have a little...




... and up this time is...

a vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general


Vampires On Bikini Beach

Info:

Director-- Mark Headley
Writer--- Mark Headley


Starring---
Jennifer Badham
Todd Kaufman
Nancy Rogers
Jennifer Jostyn

Year: 1988

Company: Beacon Films

The Basic Scoop, The Poop, The Lowdown: A bunch of non-descript teenagers or possibly college-age girls and guys are doing nothing but hanging out half (or sometimes even fully) naked in a small California beach town permanently on Spring Break until they somehow find a MYSTERIOUS "Book Of The Dead" (or even more likely the High School Textbook of The Dead :P ) which a cult of (again MYSTERIOUS WHOOO) Vampires who like to hang out near grafftti gang-tagged underpasses are trying to use to wake the dead so they can take over the world. ( *Yaaaaaaawns here* )

.......and then Mr. Headley ...(heehee HEAD LAY lol ) ....types "END" on the script and takes another hit from his bong...or....something...err...

What's Pretty Good: Umm..............................other than a few bare nekkid lightening quick chick ass shots? ummmm........................nothing!


What Kinda Sorta Really, Really Sucks: You know it's a VERY bad sign when you have a movie with a title like this and then go look it up on the trusty Ol' IMDB and there's no poster for it.

Geez where do I start....pretty much EVERY POSSIBLE CLICHE' of 80's party culture is present in this film, right down to the gang's denim jackets and
"Members Only" style clothing..

a vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general


....peoples with big hair.....

a vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general



....and the guys' hobby of playing in a cover band at a local DiscoTech called the "Pawnbroker's Bar" (complete with a drummer who uses one of those Electro pad drum kits and a Casio keyboardest!)

Oh yeah, and watch out for a few cameo appearances by Nancy McKeon who played "Jo" on The Facts Of Life

a vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general


....apparently "Post-Op" as Joe the "male" lead singer of their cover band who looks as though he/she has no internal organs and no ribcage (Kidding of course, no way Mrs. McKeon would touch this film! :P lol )

Did I also mention the lead "villain" vampire named Demos (how original!!) looks like a living wax figure of Meat Loaf ??

a vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general



....That one of his henchman, who I've forgotten the name of (easy to do) is about the most CLICHED Vampire character of all time (right down to black cape, over-acting,and hissing) and that he looks like a Vampire-Mexican Newt Gingrich

a vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general


...I'm not sure I see it now...HMMMMmmmm... :P

Or that the "Photog Artst Mullethead Guy" looks like current Texas Gov Rick Perry ??


a vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general

Oh, and if you're expecting to see like, really cool Vampire neck bite blood dripping death sequences of poor mere mortals, FORGET IT!! Other than the "shadowy" group of Vampires CALLING THEMSELVES Vampires, there's really no visual cue evidence of it at all presented in the film.

For all we know, these guys could just be a bunch of homeless Dungeons and Dragons roleplayers who got kicked out of Mommy and Daddy's basement!

a vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general

Dudes, she just has a Yeast Infection, Gawwwwwd!!


I had absolutely no IDEA who the "hero couple" in the movie was supposed to be, and really couldn't follow the plot all that closely....not that I think the director or actors were much either!! ;)

Honestly, I've seen some Porno movie storylines and infomercial dialogue that were more engrossing than this movie!

Overall Film Grade: F-

Hell, watch just the opening credits sequence and you'll get what I mean! HOWEVER...this film does have ONE single solitary fig leaf of a silver lining IF you're crazy enough to watch it....

Riff/Sarcasm/Cheese Factor: B+

Just to get through this movie I HAD to "MST3K it...making up my own lines and sarcastic zingers as I went along in order to make it watchable. (Not hard to do...this movie is CHOC'FULL of unintentionally HEEELARIOUS action and dialogue!


....though it may be pretty lame even for THEIR awesome comedic talents. If you decide to use this for your own "cheesy movie riff party" with your friends you MIGHT want to show something even funnier afterwards...oh and because of the brief nudity, keep your rugrats out of the room!!
---Chet


a cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general

1 comment:

The Scarlet Circus Ring Master said...

I have seen this available on demand, but have stayed away. Now, I see that my reasons were justified!

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