Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Rant 13: Ask A Vampire Part II

Mood: A Ra-ta-tat-tat!
Season: The long, HOT Balmy Sometimes Cold-ish Winter
Time: Precisely 6:57 in the PM

Since I’m a little pressed for time (as in running late for work) yet at the same time I feel like WASTING it, (and because I’ve actually been getting more missives, who woulda thunk it) I’ve decided that it’s time for yet ANOTHER addition of….. Questions For Chet!

As always, I’ll just respondify to the question in question, and leave no real names, handles, or email addys in my post…

….though I may have to START if some of you babe emailers don’t start sending me pics with your emails….I mean would it KILL you to show me how, like, totally HOT you are?! Just kidding….er…..I think!

Now….to our first question…..

EMAIL QUERY ONE: “Are all real Vampires loners?”

HEEEEY….what are you trying to say there pat’NAAH….that I’m some kinda LOOOZEER or something? (Winky winks at you here….but strickly in a friendly and completely hetero way….well….more or less!)

To answer your question, NO WAY!!

Real Nocturnal Humans are just like any others….some are popular, some are singular and wild vampire mountainmen, and some are somewhere in between.

I mean, as I’ve already mentioned, one of my closest friends Remmy (the 1500 year old…ish Nosferatu Vampire who’s a living stand-in for Max Shreck) lives in a hard to find locale…yet he still isn’t afraid to go out in public and party occasionally. And then there’s my “maker” Sophie. She’s like the most super-mega-popular blonde giantess of the free world, her cell phone book is practically like a phone book (as in the yellow pages you paper nimrods!!)

So, I wouldn’t necessarily judge a person by their fangs….or even a lack thereof.

EMAIL QUESTION DEAUX: “I regularly read your blog Chet, and, don’t get me wrong here, I am a fan, but I must also ask you this question as I take a bit of offense at your characterization of other, non-sanguine vampires as ‘Goth Vamp Daywalker Wannabes.’ Do you not believe in the existence of Psy-Vamps like me??”

Whoa! An actual real in-depth question therein there-th-with!!

To quote Chris Knight a’la the epic flick Real Genius, “….And I’m only saying this because I care, there are a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market today that are as just as tasty as the real thing…”

(Sly, Fangy smile)

Like Jason the pro basketballer, I only KID you!

And really I do honestly realize who some of my blogfriends and readers really are (many of those same “Gothies” )….so I’m just sarcastically joshing around when I refer to Goth type people as wannabes or wannabe Daywalker handpuppet types. I really never mean to offend anyone.

But, at the same time, you gotta admit that many of you really are normal daywalker humans (as in your skin is still peachy keen underneath all that pancake makeup, no fangs, no huge ass pupils etc) and you’ve adopted a nocturnal type persona similar to mine because you identify with something in the “idea” of the vampire….but that is entirely different than actually being one…that’s a heck of a lot harder (and much, MUCH more permanent! ) Most REAL vampires give off a totally different vibe. It’s kind of the same vibe as people who are homosexual, nymphomaniacs, those who carry herpes, or Free Masons, recovering alcoholics etcy. (Or EVEN homosexual-Free-Mason-nymphomaniac-recovering-alcoholics-who-have-herpes. Ha!)

The relevant point being, most of these people will never walk up to you and in the very first meeting with you and say something like, “I’m a vessel for Herpes named Paris” or “I’m a voracious bisexual nymphomaniac, and oh, by the way, I THINK my name is Lydia, but since that I’ve been so busy being a bisexual nympho, and as President of the Bisexual Nymphomaniacs Club of North America, typing up newsletters and sendin’ out bumper stickers, I’ve misplaced my exact name.”

They’re John, Joe Shmoe, Petey, Petunia, or whoever they happen to be…and THEN their various…uh…eccentricities and sub-illnesses and interest groups.

Most people are about letting other people know WHO they are first, not WHAT they are. And the same is true for REAL vampires…we ain’t exactly advertising in the yellow pages. Hell, I’m Chet McNabb. I like REAL rock music, steak, being a geek. I’m a graduate of UT (several times over) and I just happen to be a “Nocturnal Human.” (Jeeesaaas! Sounds like I just wrote a freakin’ personal ad there or something!) Most people in the real world know me as mild-mannered Chet and only Chet, and Chet-chat with me on the typical stuff exclusively.

Anyhoo, as to whether or not there’s such a thing as “Psy-Vamps” I can’t say…I certainly think it’s super-duper cool what they do with the energy aura camera demonstrations, possibly feeding off another person’s “Life Force” or “energy field”….and hey, I know I EXIST…so who’s to say you’re not real? I’m certainly not going to be the one to say that…that’s for sure. One thing I do know is that I’m open to all possibilities on that question. So, thanks for stopping in to read me regularly, thanks for being a fan, and fight the power…or enjoy “sipping it” my Psy-Vamp reader brother!

EMAIL QUESTION TRES: “Are there any famous Vampires? And if so, do you know any of them?”

Well….are there any famous Daywalkers?? Or are trained wee monkeys on unicycles the only celebrities in this here dimension? (HA!)

Of course there are and sure I do…but if I actually told you WHO they are…that’d take all the fun out of y’all trying to GUESS who they are….doncha think? (Oh and it’d be a teensy weensy violation of their privacy.)

What I can tell you is, they’re not usually who you’d expect them to be, one is a porn star, one’s a jazz muscian, one’s a classically trained pianist, and Michael Jackson is NOT one of us!!

He long ego threw his celeb lot in with fighting for the rights of Zombie-Americans. (Har har.)

EMAIL QUESTION FO…er…FOUR: “Is it possible for Vampires to be born as Vampires?”


Contrary to what that oh-so-MILFlicious yet also creatively WRONG “Queen Rice” and other FICTION novelists about vampires have been putting out there, no we don’t shrivel up and lose all our bodily fluids…we’re LIVING humans, not walking beautiful corpses…as I’ve said before we can and do have sex (make that LOTS of sex…we’re generally very horny creatures Wink) so it is indeed possible for a boy vampire and a girl vampire to get together, make sweet, sweet vampire love, and make a vampire baby.

BUT….Vampires live a long time…and don’t age quite like Normies do. Most Vampies are MADE and not BORN for a reason…if you’re made as a young adult like yours truly was, you’ll pretty much stay EXACTLY at that age for a long time (think a few centuries) aging very, VERY slowly. So, if you’re born as a full blood Vampire never having been a Daywalker for even a night…err…I mean a day….well….you can see where I’m going with this I think, but let me try to sum it up for you….

…..for any of you blogfolk who have had kids (or know people who have) you know that part of babyhood where the rugrat is waking up at weird hours keeping you up for funky feeding times and changings etcy etcy….well, imagine having to do that infant routine for TWENTY YEARS or more….and teething and the “Terrible 50’s” in lieu of the “Two’s.” Vampire child rearing is an EPIC decades-long commitment…and on top of that, “All Natural” vamps just don’t live as long (400-800 years usually) as Normies made into Vampires in the prime of their lives (1000-3000) or as Nos-Vamps (3000 years and up.) And don’t EVEN get me started on the freak show complications and nuances that can arise with a Vamp-Normie love pairing that produces a halfer….basically it’s all possible, but more trouble than it’s worth.

I got time for one more….

EMAIL QUESTION FIVE: “Chet, you’re super cool! Will you please please please pleaaaaaaaase make me into a Vampire, pretty, pretty please?”

Hmmmm….how much money have you got on you? Oh….and how BIG are “they?” (Devious smirky smirk!)

You think I’m “Super Cool?” Say WHAT??

I gotta find out who your dealer is… if you think I, the Chet am “super cool!”

But, in all seriousness, you need to think about this really really hard…because, well, in the words of that immortal sage-o-matic-megatron-man Tyler Durden a’la Fight Club, “This isn’t some gawdamn seminar or a weekend retreat!”

Being a REAL vamp is a LOT like being in the Mafia, we wear stylish dark clothes (well some of us) we see more blood then most people…wait, we do kill far fewer people and not all of are Italian or look like Pacino and I think he likes Mexican food best and, or….umm….

….Anyway the point is….being a real Vampire is FOR LIFE…. Once you’re in, there ain’t no getting out.

So, if you really don’t care about having your circadian rhythms completely and permanently altered, turning ghost white, and having a lifelong need to consume blood, oh, and that teensy tiny detail of outliving what few friends and family you still have, and their children, and their children’s children, and their children’s children’s children’s children….get it?

You gotta know EXACTLY who you are, and be willing to live with yourself every night, night-in, night-out….because it’s who you are or who you choose to be, not because your friends say so, or because some chick with a pierced navel and tongue stud that you want to get naked with said it’s cool….

….Can you handle all that?

If you can’t, stick with the pancake makeup, the eyeliner, and calling yourself by the nom-de-plum “Rodimus Vyper” on weekends in your parents basement. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that…it’s probably even fun. Oh, and most importantly, it all washes off when you eventually get bored with it.

Well, I think I better make like a black barber shop owner and FADE….but as always….

…..if you too have a curious quandary about “Nocturnal Culture” or anything else that tickles your fancy, feel free to drop me a line at my email address (chettacular@yahoo.com) just make sure you put in the subject bar “Questions For Chet” (so I know you’re not a spam bot, stalker, horny chick, bill collector, or a horny-spam-bot-stalker-bill-collector-chick) and I’ll most likely either answer you directly, or in a future post.

Watch Your Necks….and who you make your wee babies with,


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