Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Anatomy Of A Blind Date

As many of you many know from my incessant-LY AWESOME manwhoring of it over the past few nights, I was expected to, and subsequently went on...a blind date very recently.

Yes...you may groan with agony for me here.

I permit you. Free of charge. (THIS time!! )

You'd think that a guy like me with such GREAAAAAT ROMANTIC IDEAS, such as presented in my last post wouldn't be reduced to such blind (melon) odds.

Say it isn't so....but alas, alack, it is...it is.

Desperate? WHO MEEEE??

No WAAAAY Jose!!

I'm just more apathetic about dating other single people (or more specifically WOMEN flavored single people..or perhaps BBQ or a sour creame and onion person...in a pinch. ;) )

I was hoping that would change with this latest foray into the dating crapshoot.

After all, it WAS my goodie galpal Trish taking on the task of being our matchmaker...doing a choosing of me for her friend and her friend for me, no matter how they tossed the dicccce...we had to be...the only choice was me for her, and her for me, so UNHAPPY TOGETHHHHHERRR.....(come on now, everybody!!)

Isn't singing at random odd times while reading blogs so much fun??

Your welcome! :P

Anyway, Here's the following breakdown of .....
Chet's (me) Valentine's Day Blind Date Festivus....

Peruse in awe of my reviewing genius people...peruse in awe!!

The PREGAME SHOW: So there I was at 12:25 AM on the Thursday before Valentine's, first recounting my past loverboy glories via my 10 Tips blog and also chitter-chattering away text message style with Trishiepoo (my only MILDLY insane galpal artist/mad scientist Vampire friend) when she caught wind of my Valentine's situation for '09.

You'd THINK that a 500 year old 25 year old chickiepoo would KNOW how to mind her own business on these things....

But apparently...meddling in other peoples "affairs" and trying to repair-i-fy perceived loneliness is something imprinted in all chickiepoo DNA.

"Fear not CHET my chronic Masturbatah friend, I have just the solution for U!!"


Long story short here, I got utterly FINEAGLED into having coffee, cake, (and then maybe a slice of coffee cake) with some DAYWALKER girl Trish had been talking to about me on the side. It was setup for Valentine's Night at 8ish in the PM at a specific adorable cafe location.

(Not that I find ANYTHING wrong with dating non-Vampies let me add, just that y'all like to keep really weird hours...and I'm kinda lazy...in case y'all hadn't noticed!! ;) )

KICKOFF: So let us then go on to the lay of the land. A typical coffee and trendy independently owned an operated bistro kinda place in the "hipster district" of Austin...the kind of place that'll serve you giant all-natural muffins at 2 dollars extra the standard going rate in the muffin industry so you can sleep better because those exta two dollars are going on to save the endangered "Yellow Anused Tree Frog" of the rainforest or something.

Quiet, cool, plenty of espresso and internet access...not my usual hangout per se, but not bad...comfy...the kinda place that would keep this mystery woman feeling comfortable. And if I'm going to be dragged outside on a Valentine's Day when I don't really want to be, then I want my "date" to be as relaxed as possible.

THE STARTING LINEUP: So now let's meet the woman playing the part of my date for this evening...I'll dub her "Anna."

Dig if you will the picture of a young woman about 19 to 20, long straight red hair of the evil redheaded stepchild variety, all the way down her back below the shoulders with very trendy bangs in front. A clusterPHACK of freckles all over her round face with an ADORABLEY chic' little white button nose with big round Caribbean blue eyes patrolling carefully on either side of it. I was particularly struck with her "bee-stung" bulbous fat lips and long eyelashes. Anna was 5'5 in height with flared hips in that "bit extra hardy" padded style....definitely having the "junk in the trunk" of her tight Wrangler jeans rather than the slightly more streamlined "badankdonk" ass. It was topped off with a kind of Kelly green V-kinda blouse number.

Caption: Yeaaaaah....kinda like her....only simulataneously...NOT.

I started to think as I saw her subtlely stroll up that she might've showed up a month too early. (Aren't you a little too "Irish-y" looking for Valentines? I would've expected a dark-haired Italian in shimmering ruby red and a little too much attitude.)

All and all, "Anna" was cute, a little bit more "rounded" than I'm used to, but certainly not unattractive physically. I gotta tell you honestly that part of me was relieved (okay, MAAAAYBE even more like "engorged" to be meeting up with a girl who had qn actual justification for wearing a bra, rather than the usual "quirky" roasted-quail thin waifs I seem to fall into bed with.

Classy and fuller figured might be a nice change of pace indeed.


Wait, I DID mention at some point in the past that the white beardy-old fellow who lives up in the clouds (Noo not Sean Connery, doofus!! ;) ) really seems to dislike me right?

Let's call this little UN-venture Example #377 of why I'm always right about that.

Oh, don't get me wrong...this Anna was quite saucy looking...the RIGHT kind of curvy girl if you know what I mean (definitely the right shape to fill out one of those bustier-corset Victorian boudoir kind of thingamaboobs...err...I mean BOBS...and she was quite nice, sweet, and well-mannered in our 15-20 minute coffee date...

BUT...ya see that was kind of the problem.

Anna here was SOOO SHY!!

She'd answer almost all of my queries designed to spark fantabulously "deep" conversation (like say, "What's your favorite movie and why?" Or "What's the coolest word in the English Language to you...and why?" ) with one word answers.

She was VERY closed off...I'd almost say a bit TIMID and....well..."Mousey."

I find it hard to believe that Trisher would EVER hangout with such a skeered and shy little pixie.

And when Anna DID finally open up beyond more than a few words all she could talk about was her love for making her own pottery when she wasn't going to cosmetology and her love of Paint ponys.

I suppose I should've taken that as a sign that maybe she started to "warm up" to my rather eccentrically extroverted self. Too bad it was like 18:57ith minute of our 20 minute date and I was already quite bored....*sigh*

Afterward it all started to come together.... Trishie probably met "Anna the Silent Banana " in one of her many art classes. The later is probably some "country girl" who's been sheltered for most of her life and Trishie probably thought that by "forcibly persuading" ME to go out with her that it might...uhh...broaden this young chickadee's horizons...


Where would the mad Hermitess mad scientist of mine EVER get a crazy Idea like that??



I received a call late last night from Trishie that apparently Anna thinks I'm a "funny guy" and that she felt really "comfortable" and had a great time....but that doesn't necessarily mean I did.

Oh yeah, and that she allegedly wants to do this again....WTF??

I've been in a rut you might say....oh not long...just for most of this past DECADE or so...Like back since Savage Garden and Jimmy Ray, and Cake were popular expressions of music-trescent culture. :P :D

Caption: Umm...nooo I'm not him, nor do I want to be!!

I just get so very bored on dates these nights...they're aren't enough "spunky" yaknow, passionate and witty womenfolks to go around for my liking....so many either seem to be either pleasant but emotional vanilla to me...OR Bratty dingbats who are addicted to playing with their cellphone like a crackhead with his...umm...Crack rock....smoking...widget....uhh...thingie.

Bored Bored: Boooooooored!!

Sure I might give "Anna" another chance IF Trish makes it worth my while....but the jury's still out to Taco Bell on that one.

Grade---: C +

Caption: Why would anyone even WANT to create a website like that.....ewww?? :P

Happy Monday folksies...Take care of yourselves...and each other! ;)

What's YOUR Take On Blind Dates?

Any of them ever worked out for you?

What would you say was your most "interesting blind date setup situation....and why?


Beverly Hamilton Wenham said...

Chet the undead,looking for love,finding it tragic, till she arrives!

Helene (the Artist Formerly Known as Kate) said...

You are a riot Chet!

Ok my take on blind dates is that unless the setter upper is willing to be there (either hook you up at a party, meet you where ever just to personally break the ice or on a kind of double date) then beware!!! I dont know of anyone who has gone on a solo blind date and had it work out. Its just too awkward. Tough to make the ever so important first impression...

I am all in favor for the party setup though.

I would forget the chick for now and suggest that if there is a group going out or a party that you connect again that way.

Just my 2 cents.


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