Rant 13: Vampire Globe-Trotting

Mood: Nerdish
Season: It's The Winter, The Winter, wha-what The Winter!
Time: 12:35 A.M.

Yeaaaaap….you guessed it, I really SHOULD be at work….but whatever….I didn’t feel like it. So I called in….like the too-cool-for-school slacker-McBastard that I am.

I do feel sick actually.

HEY! I see you….don’t be looking at me all judgementalogically like that, who’s the vampire, hence the vampire expert extraordinaire here, you or me?

It can happen, trust me.

I’m congested….the stench of…. “natural fudge” sniffers is doing damage to my sinuses!!

Natural Fudge= Think of everyone’s FAVORITE olfactory organ lightly BROWNED and of lips heavily chapped with the kissing of posterior flesh and you’ll get the idea!

Wow, that was a lot of biggie sized SAT words for one small sentence…maybe I really AM evil…

….Or just an evil genius!! (Cute guy fangy smile here)

But really though, as long as I’ve been alive now and lollygaggling around with joe-jobs, can someone PLEASE tell me why many of the most worthless rent-a-pricks always seem to get promoted into positions of retail autocracy, and then do phuck-all in their position except waddle around the store with an empty clipboard in their dorky long-sleeved shirts and company khakis and their hopelessly unhip half-beards….err…I mean, “soul patches?”

I swear blogster-gnomes, it’s like these middle exec guys are all cloned from the same “Retail Satan’s” festering bunghole DNA swabs or something….the same fat pumpkin heads on top of their necks, the same high pockets waistline with a beer gut side salad, the same quasi-homosexual pitch of a voice with a southern drawl, (that always seems to make them sound like they’re out of breath) the half-a-gallon reek of too much Stetson or Aqua Velva (or A.K.A. the “Texas Cowboy Shower” ) oh and the fancy-schmancy cell phone (from LAST YEAR) always present in a the front shirt pocket or in some other prominent holstered place, set to “quick draw” so EVERYBODY within a fifty foot radius will be able to see and hear when they go all pimp brutha-esque and “whip that out” to take an “important” call. (HA!)

And they always have the same PC safe neutral white boy kinda names too, Mark (the managerial favorite) Steve, Dave, Larry, Luke, Jim, Bill, Chuck, Kenneth, Ken, or even maybe a Jeff, or Tim.

Hell, with a name like CHESTER, you’d THINK I too would be on the fast track to promotion.

(Then again, there’s my ever-present patented “blank loner-drifter-walking-dead-I-don’t-give-a-phuck-about-this-stupid-phucking-scan-monkey-job face” to consider.)

You’d think that night roaming “undead” super beings like myself-ish wouldn’t have to deal with such haz-mat-worthy BS automatons, but I do too!

I feel your pain sweet child….

….and the warmth of the blood flowing through your VEIN….sssssslurp!

So…now that you understand why I’m ditching my duties for the night, let’s ditch this topic.

NO, I DISMISS YOU! Not the bell…so SIT…read ON…

…..and take your tight blouse OFF!! (HA!)

Nope, I’ve got something else I’d like to bring up before we all make like a tree…and get outta here.

A bit about a certain stereotype many of you daywalkers and daywalker goth vamp types have when it comes to REAL vampiric culture….

….Specifically where we live.

Most of you think we ALL live in one of three places, the Two N’s (New York and New Orleans…who was the LOOOSER who shouted out Newark back there? Seriously, somebody SLAP that guy!)

….OR perhaps Eastern Europe.

The Truth?


Vamps do tend to live in cities…places with lots of ethnic areas and the like, so NYC definitely, Nawlins used to be (until it got mucho goth vamp wannabe popular) and Transylvania is just too freaking obvious.

You’d never guess MOST of the most popular places for Vampies to live….well at least until that dayum vampist 30 Days Of Night came out!!

Yeap…Alaska is one of them…for obvious reasons.

Scandinavia too. Moscow…umm….Boston, Vienna, Portland (both Maine and Oregon) Edinburgh, Edmonton…actually make that Canada in general.

Beginning to see kinda a PATTERN developing here?

Quick, who knows their geography?? Who watches The Weather Channel for more then using the local foreskin-cast jazz mu-sick to drool off to sleep?

His evil sexy fanged smile brightens up the room.

Right…they’re all in niftier colder kinds of LATs to live in baby!

But before you start getting all squirrely with self-congratulatory oiled up half-nekkid towel popping excitement, let me stress as I stretch (and fart) that we Nocturnal Preferentials really can, and DO live everywhere.


Would you be surprised if I told you the second most popular place for vamps to live in Europe was ACTUALLY Barcelona, Spain?

And one of the most, most popular places in the US for us to live happens to be right here?

Yup, you guessed it…MY PLACE! Or more specifically on my lap….oh yes…come on over and sit….especially if you’re wearing hotpants…and are not….like….an hombre….in hotpants or…. Or something!

But no really, I mean The A….Austin, Texas….but of course….oh it got even more popular after Katrina when many of the remaining Nawlins vamps split to come live here. (And now, maybe Ike folks will too.)

I dunno…it seems after centuries of having to deal with rebuilding your life again and again after floods, hurricanes, and the occasional lady witch doctor trying to zombie-fy your jimmy in New Orleans, I think moving inland finally just MIGHT be a good idea! Perhaps.

In any rate, while it IS certainly true we do tend to prefer the colder, darker, semi-temperate places, vampires, particularly those born in southern or more southwestern climates (like say, a CHET maybe?) tend to stick with what they know…


And why NOT live in a place that has GREAAAAAT slaughtered meat establishments (Barbecue) is a Mecca for musicians (read: Quality HERBal hookups!) and has sexy young Texas college co-eds coming out the watoosie?

Not to mention a V-guy like me just MIGHT be a little more vel-come (har-har) in a place that self-describes itself as one of the “weirdest” places in Texas…if not…the WORLD!

So yeah, we do tend to live in some of the more “Avante Gard” and “Progressive” communities of the world….but also in a lot of places you’d never expect too…you just gotta keep your eye open for us kiddos…

….and/or maybe develop a regular case of insomnia!

Okay folk-sies time for me to bust out of this journal biatch and find utterly delightful (and completely useless) ways to waste some stolen time…

Nude late night Pogo and Tango dancing anyone? (Devious wink)

Great Taste ANNND Endless Filling,



Allie said…
OMGosh my friend (can I call you friend?)...you make me laugh so hard! Ha! I swear you are a genius--you should publish all these ramblings.

PS: I am glad you didnt go to work that day as you did a great job with the ramblings and I am sure no one wanted to smell ya breath either. LOL

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