Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year's Resolutions I'd LOVE To See

1. No more "ghetto-fabulous" culture period.( No gold teeth, do-rags, gangstas, ridiculous sized rims on teenage suburbanite's little sedans, referring to people as "bra" dog fighting, dreadlocks and fros hanging out the back of football helmets, professional athletes getting involved in shootouts in strip clubs, ghost-riding the whip etc) It's retarded in the extreme and downgrades the overall IQ of the human stop it.

2. No more reality TV

3. No more Barack Obama commemorative coin/plate/baby's first Sippy Cup sets. (Nice thought really, but we've got enough "Mints" making them already! Seriously who's next? The Collector's Coin Mint Press Factory Institute of Deerbum Lick, AR?)

4. No more remakes...UNTIL Hollywood can come up with a lot more original movie ideas.(You've got a brain my young scriptwalker...err...I mean scriptWRITER...use it!!)

5. Better yet, no more reserving of most of the Oscar noms for movies that 90% of the movie-going public has no intention of seeing...ever.

Caption: That's HOT!!

6. No more superhero flicks (with the exception of Hong Kong Phooey, another Hellboy, AND Vampirella!! *sssluurp* :p )

Caption: Samuel L. would be GREAAAAT for a voicever on this and you know it!!

7. No more movies in those ultra pretentious "Comicbook" and "Black-and-White Film Noir Wannabe" styles. (Seriously it was all cool looking in 300 and Sin City but we're up to what? The third or fourth movie like that now? Enough already!! Ohhh MAW GAWWWD! Like, SOOO bullet time passe' man!!)

8. No more "political statement" movies/TV shows for awhile. (Seriously, we won movie/TV show cranking out can stop now!! :) )

9. No more fast food sandwiches on Ciabatta bread...or those menu items that emphasize their mega Chipolte-ness. (Let's evolve now people...let the Habaneros inherit the Earth!!" )

10. Fewer utterly retarded commercials. (When I WANT to see a brick of money with gigantic craft store googly eyes on top of it, I'll TELL YOU...commercial gods!!)

11. Popular male musical "artists" will agree to stop recording ANYTHING until they can all manage to let their vocal chords complete the transition of puberty, that magical time from a boy into sounding like a true man of manly manliness. (This means YOU Justin Timberlake, Rascal Flats, Maroon 5, Jonas Brothers, Chris Martin of Coldplay, among many, MANY others.)

For some examples of what a man's singing voice is supposed to sound like, please see: Trace Adkins, Sully of Godsmack, Barry White, Chris Issak, Frank Sinatra, Johnny Cash, Dean Martin, and Tony C and The Truth, again among others.

12. John Mayer decides to lock himself in his bedroom (alone) and not come out...UNTIL he can come up with a song that isn't just a shameless, thinly veiled attempt to get himself some new celebrity coochie.

13. The music industry has resolved it will no longer promote musical "artist" women who are marginally talented just because they look hot (Beyonce, Shakira, Colbie Calliat) are not talented at all but are amusing train wrecks (Umm...Gee...Maybe Brittney Spears??) and those who are talented, but are still train wrecks.

Caption: Yeah, so you're hot, um cool. Now let's see if you can mange to sing a song that doesn't sound like you're mumbling.

I mean seriously, what chance do they think they have of cleaning her up if they give Corpse Bride...err...I mean AMY WINEHOUSE...Grammys and Paparazzi attention all the time??

Caption: I rest my case....

14. No more Celebrities coming out with their own cologne/fragrances.

Sure Antonio Banderas' stuff isn't too shabby, but If they don't stop now OTHER more...uhh..."eccentric" celebs could get ideas.

( "Who DOESN'T wanna smell like a Dick!!"

ANDY DICK: The new fragrance for men, women, and men who are dressed as women 99.9999 % of the time!)


and... the final five get a BIT more personal....but not too much.

15. Tell at least one person who kicks ass that they kick ass and at least one person who is a 5-star Grade-A douche that they are a douchebag every single night.

16. Eat more Bacon (Kevin J/K)

17. Vow to NEVER apologize for burping or farting...especially when I'm alone with my imaginary friends :P ;)

18. Begin learning how to Tango, Sumba, Salsa, and Rumba, like a mad dancing fool!!

19. Score with a saucy hot rock musician chick who has her own band. ORR to score with enough saucy rocker chicks who play different instruments (lead, vocals, drums, bass, kazoo, etc ) so as to make up my own all girl punk rock band!

Caption: I'd LOVE to twiddle the "knobs" on her...umm.....amplifer.

20. To turn my blog into one of the most, LIKE, totally happenin' places on the web. (Without me having to get nekkid and do dripping wet tropical waterfall pictorials or something... of course. ;) )

Not that my e-Vampire Pad isn't pretty freakin' cool already...but we could all stand to be a little more awesome now couldn't we...

(Except maybe Dirk Bennedict.....*sigh* LOL :P :D )

Caption: Yes Ladies, he's still got it!


What are some Resolutions you'd like to share? Either some for yourself, or for the Culture at large?

How many do you think you'll actually keep? ;)

Take a bite outta 2009 and have a Happy New Year!!


Trishalicious said...


There is nothing wrong with Maroon 5.

How could you spew such infernal blaspemey!!

the silliness of youth :(

So...what was I coming by for?



Sophie said...

And what about Meryl Streep??

The woman is a genius!

Away with you, hobbit!


Happy New Year.

Ana said...

What happened? I just posted a comment and it didn't show up. Sorry, I'm blog retarded.

Ana said...

Okay, I figured it out... I was just sayin' that your blog is wickedly cool -- I saw your comment on Scarlet Shutter.

Thanks for the vamps -- and the amps!

Beverly Hamilton Wenham said...

Thanks for coming by! You beautiful dead creature you!

Full Tilt Poker Video said...

your blog is very fine......

Allie said...

I think you already have the coolest are so..errr, ummm, interesting.

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