A good and gorgeous Vampiress friend of mine brought what follows to my handsome attention. Apparently, there's a fairly new book out (just in time for the season!!) by a dude named Scott Bowen that purports to tell the "real truth" about us Vampires....
The Vampire Survival Guide: How To Fight and Win Against The Undead
Of course I went there (just like you can if you have fingers, toes, or a seaman's hook in which to type on a keyboard) and perused the press release.
Now anyone can be safe from the undead—at home, at work, or out on the town.
Easy, find a doggie who makes lots and LOTS of poopie, or buy a can of Mace. (Assuming of course that you NEED to be safe from us! )
Vampires have walked among us for thousands of years
Indeed. Got that part down at least. Quick, somebody give that Daywalker a big cookie, a Capri Sun, and a gold star!
These reanimated corpses survive by draining and consuming the blood of the living
AAAAAAN!! No points this round pimpjuice! We're as human as you are. While we DO consume and drain blood (among other fluids...like a fine vodka or a 20 year aged Scottish malt whiskey for instance!) from the living that living often can and does more often include non-human entities, such as cows, goats, mice, Jeremy Piven, and other small rodents. (Pig's blood tastes like crap and besides it's not kosher!!) Oh, and they don't have to be technically living when we take it, just fresh.
and their threat to humanity cannot be ignored.
Uh huh...umm...yeaaaaaah....when was the last time you heard of anybody you know being attacked by one of us? I mean it's not like you heard Forest Gump say that anything other than a BULLET jumped up and bit him di-rectly in the but-TOCKS?? I think not. (No really, I don't. Just thought you'd like to know. LOL ;) :) )
Throughout the centuries, professors and peasants have offered their own vampire-fighting tips, but these were often old wives' tales, based more on superstition than on fact.
You see people? we give those peasant "old wives" the best "snugglins" of their lives while their clumsy oaf of a farmer, thatcher, or God-forbid a "Poopsmith" of a husband is out working the fields and ALL we asked for in return is maybe to drain the life out of a crotchety old horse or maybe a retarded butt-sniffing booger-eating cousin village idiot, and BECAUSE we never call afterwards, you go and come up with stuff to try and KILL US. Heck no it doesn't work, but it's still rude baby...totally...as if!
In the tradition of bestsellers like The Zombie Survival Guide and The Zen of Zombie
Well those WERE hilarious....
Topics include the habits and routines of vampires
Apparently reading about me sleeping all day and playing the NES versions of Marble Maddness and Megan Man until dawn in my underpants and sipping on Goat's Blood Pina Coladas (and gettin' caught in the rain..) is FACINATING stuff!
how to tell if somebody you know has become a vampire
If they're whiter than Uncle Ben's Rice, have nasty, big pointy teeth like a killer bunny with nasty big pointy teeth, have big ass pupils, and can help you move your refrigerator without needing your help,(and perhaps using only one hand) then they're a Vampire. Neeeeeeext!
how to protect yourself from attack
Tried flashing your boobies? If that doesn't work then remember that thing I said earlier about dog poopie...??? ;) LOL
how to set traps
See above... internet keywords: FLASH and BOOBIES.
what to do if you must fight off multiple vampires
Simple, I'll tell you right now for free in three easy steps. 1. Remove Desert Eagle POINT 5-0 from holster at hip. 2. place barrel of Desert Eagle .50 to side of head. 3. Pull trigger.
Assuming of course his FAULTY logic is true and that we ACTUALLY want to kill you, and not just play keep-away with your underpants.
In preparation for a situation like this, you COULD also learn how to breakdance fight OR start carrying medium rare sirloin steaks around with you everywhere you go...those'll help.
how to cleanse an entire town after devastating vampiric attacks
Umm...undocumented workers?? ( "No no Manuel...I NEED you to come here-o to to clean el-town-o that is gone mearde like...a big el-toilet-o!" )
Vampires are found in every country in the world—not just in Eastern Europe and Sunnydale, California.
Yessir-ree Bob. Only the second thing you've gotten right so far...but right none the less.
With the human population expected to reach over 9 billion by the year 2050
SOMEBODY'S been hittn' a lot of booty...Jeesaaas!!
confrontations between men, women, children
.....and Jeremy Piven...
This guide is the human race's best hope.
President Elect Obama SCOWLS at you sir....SCOWLS!! ;)
25 color illustrations.
Oh my blood runs COOOLD...if this book doesn't contain a CENTERFOLD...my Angel is the Centerfoooold!!
Eh, perhaps it'll be a good read anyway, HILARIOUSLY WRONG...but good none the less!!
What's your take folks?? Sound like an interesting book to you??
Watch Your Necks, and have a Happy Halloween!