Friday, August 15, 2008

Rant #7: B and E's

Mood: Okay….ish.
Season: Still Summer (Still sweatin’ in my boxers, Part III: Yet another annoying sequel)
Time: 4:34 A.M.

Let me tell you about one of my favorite hobby past-times on my off-work early morning hours….B AND E’S!!!

Oh, my book-friend-children you can PRETEND I mean BACON AND EGGS by that, a’la everyone’s favorite great AMERICAN sage Dane Cook jokes about…(in his mucho awesome style!)

But the truth is…I meant EXACTLY what you hoped I didn’t mean.

What? No…it doesn’t matter….It’s not likely the THEY (They= The Po-Po’s, The Filth, The Fuzz, Donut Patrol, Oinky Oinkys, Coppers, Johnny Q Laws) can PROVE ANY of my supposed “crimes.”

I say crimes in “quotations” there because I’m not entirely exactly sure that what I like to do as one of life’s great jollies (well sometimes) is TECHNICALLY a crime.

I don’t steal anything….zhiaaat, I don’t break anything, nor rarely ever have to Jimmy-crack-corn a lock….other than the ENTERING part, they’ve really got nothing.

Again, VAMPIRE here….so rarely, do I have to do anything to find a nice place to kill… some time and cruise through. (Hehheh…made ya LOOK for a sec!)

I just pay attention. A door left unlocked a little too long….a security system they leave on the off setting, a security cam on the fritz, a key that they just happen to leave under a mat…just like everybody else…and WHHHHOOOOSH….I’m in suckahs….

Caption: Ohh just taking one of my favorite shortcuts through a graveyard in a Ninja costume on my way to a costume party over at Trish' need for the flashlight shining. What, you think I actually wear this getup when I go "carousing" at night? Cracker, PLEAAAASE!!

(I DID mention at some point that we “nocturnal types” can move super fast when we want to right? Yeah, it’s WONDERFUL how someone so useful and IMPORTANT to society like me can have a gift like that and all you normies get is the occasional double joint…READ’UM AND WEEP!!)

Come to think of it, now that I so GENUIS-ly brought it up…I could so use a double joint….of a burning kind right about now….you got the skinny on the sticky, kiddos??

Really though…I only need a few seconds….leave the door open a little too long when you’re twenty minutes or so away from closing on the night shift of your epic place of retail business, perhaps to take out the trash…or to go sweep out the floor of your store’s front vestibule and like I said, I’m in.

(Vestibule….now THERE’S an interesting word…. Vestibule…makes me think of an old lady snowbird retiree type chick living in Florida with large flowery therapeutic underoos and a delightfully attractive cancerous wart on or around the general area of one of her teats….”Look everybody, Vesta’s popping out and showing us all her…. Vestibule!” Ah, good times people, good times! )
What, why yes, OF COURSE I hide inside if I get in before they close! What do I do to get back out again once they lock up and leave? I have no idea. Every place is different, and that’s part of the fun for me…and NOOO…I’m not going to share my methods of exactly HOW I always get back out again without being detected, or being too obvious.

After all, don’t want you blog kiddies trying this at home… for I’M A PROFESSIONAL…. slacker!

Oh I SUPOSE if I really, really wanted to, I could use my special vampy powers and B and E-olocal expertise-es to make a living as a daring (and extremely sexy) professional thief INSTEAD of having a crummy regular job….

Which I MAY get around to telling y’all about one of these nights….though I suspect by the time I actually do, I’ll be employed somewhere else….ah, the wonders of being a vampiric hobo wannabe…trading journal entries for sponge baths! (Har har)

Truth is, I don’t want to hurt anybody.

I don’t do it because I NEED anything….nor because of a $500 a day crack (or Wonka NERDS) habit.

Caption: Now THIS is more my regular style. Hey whatcha think of my armless nighttime pair of BlueBlockers?? Awesome aren't I? (SNORT! )

I break/sneak my way in and look around in places at night I’m not supposed to go primarily just because…. I can….oh yeah….and probably because of boredom.

What?? You were expecting some profound answer there?? Umm…did we suddenly FORGET who’s journal we were in? (Sly wink!)

As I’ve said before (and will probably say again and again to the point of naseum in the future) Vampiric humans are people watchers. We find the very activity of observing normie daywalker human behavior, or ALL types of humans’ behavior in general, to be quite interesting.

I don’t know if I can really quite explain it in words…it’s probably for me somewhere between my already inherent personal nature pre-vamp and the instincts that were injected into my neck with that first bite.

You’d have to do it yourself to truly get WHY I do it. There’s just something about it…the quietness of everything…the way things are laid out…individual’s personal knick knacks in cubicles or at work stations…the kinds of things people have…the way they arrange the furniture in the office or in their personal spaces…the little things…the traces of many lives lived everyday…lives that I’ll never know personally in all likelihood because I’m not “living” during the day anymore.

It’s funny and interesting the things you notice about people when it’s all down for the night…when life’s essentially on pause.

Oh certainly, there are certain individuals who live and work in specific places that I regularly secretly break into…whose lives I slowly start to keep up with…even though they’ve never met me.

Oh no no, I don’t stalk them or anything…I don’t even really want to have a conversations with any of them…I just happen to enjoy “studying” their human condition when they’re not around. Perhaps there’s a guy who works in a certain office downtown who I somehow find out (by looking through his regularly unlocked desk drawer sometimes SSSSH!) that he’s running late on the rent because his little girl’s been sick in the hospital….maybe a few (okay a HUNDRED) bucks from an unknown Vampire person’s wallet just MAGICALLY HAPPENS to fall from said wallet and land under the guy’s Dale Jr car model on his desk that he often uses as a paperweight

Maybe there’s a young single teacher chick who’s just starting out, and I somehow know through my nightly rounds that she’s had a bad time lately, but also likes a certain kind of Swiss chocolate (Lindt chocolate filled truffles…perhaps…hypothetically.) Maybe, just maybe, a couple raspberry chocolate creame filled truffle bars find their way through a five-fingered osmosis into her teacher’s lounge cubbyhole…which will no doubt cheer her up when she finds them the next morning.

No, I leave nothing behind…rarely even fingerprints. I don’t want to bother or scare them…nor do I need any kind of recognition…nothing at all…we’re all just strangers.

So if you live in the Austin area and you suddenly find mysteriously NICE things happening to you that you can’t explain, you COULD be one of my “ observation projects” though, gentleman vampires never kiss and tell!!


Why do I do things like that when I’m aimlessly “skulking” around at night? I dunno. Maybe I’m a nice guy, maybe I’m lonely, maybe I’m just curious, maybe I kinda feel guilty about sneaking around, or maybe all the above…who knows?

I guess I just like to do little things like that for people…makes me feel good.

Didn’t expect that coming from the “monster” or the “boogieman” lurking around at night did you?? Well BITE ME paper nimrods!! (just kidding!)

I mean, in the end, it’s not like ANY of us humans are all that different, we’re all kinda curious about each other…I mean isn’t what you’re doing RIGHT NOW in my personal space, MY BLOG basically (okay almost) the same thing as I just said? Living vicariously through someone else’s life?

When are YOU gonna secretly leave me ANYTHING huh huh??

FUN FACT: Vampires LOOOOOVE donuts!!

HMMMmm…..maybe I should become a security guard for my next throwaway job….get to work the same hours…and since it’s like being a cop I can eat all the donuts I want….

……I mean night security guard and real police officer ARE technically in the same genus of “Donut Carnivores” right??

(Fangy smile. )

Okay blogfriends, my dinner sandwich awaits me, so I hope you have a great weekend and until next time….

Watch Your Necks,


1 comment:

Victoria Von Swarovski said...

Thanks for the concern.
I went to the hospital today and they think I'm just dehydrated.
Just in case though, you have to fly up here and bite me if I find out I AM bleeding from the brain because I'm pretty sure becoming a vampire overrides that.
Doesn't it override everything?
I wish we had more costume parties here that'd be fabulous.
Ninja = excellent choice.
Ciao darling.

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