Tuesday, July 22, 2008

RANT # 5, NIGHT # UH-I-FORGOT

Mood: S’up!
Season: Still Summer (Still sweatin’ in my boxers)
Time: About 1:30 A.M….ish.


Ya know blog…this may be as hard as hecksicles for ye to believe but…

….I really don’t care much for the taste of blood.

SHHHH! Don’t say a word…just shut up SHUP SHUT UP!

…don’t want any of my vamp peeps to get the wrong idea dangit! Or Me and my MAN-SIZED silken Scooby Doo Boxer underoos will never be safe in this town again!

No really though…I DO crave it…of course….just ain’t that crazy about it’s copper metallic-ish taste…and…the lukewarrmy-ness of it fresh….or well…okay…SEMI-fresh.

Like say, provided a’la Semi… dead Bambi’s Mamma roadkillage…Rednecks and vampires have SO much in common don’t we?

I suppose in all seriousness, it’s kinda like black coffee ya know?

How many of us REALLY drink that shit straight…no creame, or sugar?

BTW Let me quickly digressify here and say as a….

FUN FACT: If you are a dude (okay, make that STRAIGHT dude) and you drink your coffee with that French Vanilla-y zhit powder stuff WHILE YOU’RE AT HOME in your pad ALONE well…because you LIKE IT…then you’re so totally a wuss!

At least in MY not so humble opinion… (Brandishes his Fangs and Hisses in case of angry complaints from the Male French Vanilla coffee creamer lovers Lobby)

You were saying??

YEAH that’s what I thought….biatch!


(Okay I’m sorry…that was so totally uncool of me wasn’t it? A white Vampire dude in the middle of white bum-phuck surburbia, TX using the word BIATCH…annnd remembering the T in the middle….I’ll try not to be that “hip” and off the chain again….keyword being TRY! )

So anyway, yeah I take my medicine….just took it a few minutes ago, matter-a-fact…but…I doctored it up a bit.

You’d be surprised how many of us don’t really take it straight anymore.

(Our BLOOD CRAVING you naughty, naughty PERVS!!)

No really it’s cool…dawg…I walked into that one.

(And am also apparently a white cracka liar too…still trying subconsciously to be cool!!)

Verily blog-friend, I do all kinds of nifty things with the blood I get that keeps my body in perfect Vampy good health.

Really, you’d be amazed at all the wonderful things you can do…it IS only a liquid after all….

(…taken from the viciously delightful SLAUGHTER of other living things…just like orange juice! )

You can make all kinds of wonderful mixed drinks with blood, alcohol and/or fruit juices…then stick your new WONDERFUL elixir of life in the now emptied containers of cranberry juice, Sunny D, or even Juicy Juice or Gatorade bottles…fun fun stuff!!

Oh yeaaah there was WAY more of MJ in that Red Gatorade than you ever believed possible MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!

At least at Casa Del Chet…or even in the Australian, “Benlonga-Chet!”

Seriously though, it’s fun for when daywalker friend-goobers come over…they’re never quite the same after they drink from the gianganto sports bottle.

Then there’s the “Bloody Tears” moonshine, or in the Hill William Vampire vernacular, “Red Lighting” alcohol mix I make…the proof depending on what I or the customer wants.

Gives new meaning to the phrase, “Blood Alcohol Level. “

Yeaaap, mostly Vamps here in the “phuckin’ A” hit me up for it, but I sometimes get a few Pancake facey-goth types who really enjoy it’s flavor too.

Weeeeirdos! HA!
(What am I saying? They PAY me for it for crissakes!! I’m a right Bloody Bartles and Jaymes!)

Nah, not a lot, book friend folks, but enough to help me get by…as a side hobby…

Nooope….I’m not gonna say too much about my process…though if you ever wanna try making bloody liquor I’d start with goat’s blood as your base…it’s creamier that way (HA!) No, really, it just gives it a better flavor than moo cow or pig…little piggies blood is just too skank dangerous nasty to be bothered with.

(Besides…pig’s blood ain’t kosher you paper nimrod!!)

Perhaps next time I’ll aimlessly delve into some more of my other gloriously anti-social-ish hobbies and hootnanny shenangans!

But.... (looking at his ass-backwards Disney Goofy watch) I just realized…PHUCKIDY PHUCK PHUCK! I’m late for cocktails down at one of my favorite super, super secret Vamp clubs!

Damn you slackers for making me ramble on so!

Do me a flavor next time blog-read-along folks, reach across time and space and PIMPSLAP ME when I go on and on like that!!

(Then again, if you did that…you’d have nothing here to read?)

Har har.

Never Let A Vampire Bite You On The Bum because it stings,


Chet

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