Thursday, June 26, 2008

Rant Uno, Night Uno

Mood: Like…um…Whatever.


Sunshine is overrated. You’d think after awhile you’d miss the freaking sun but you really don’t. At least not me, I never much cared for getting my ass out of bed when it was still daylight anyway. Oh yeah, my dear old nose-to-the-grindstone of an All-American Dad used to get on to me about it all the time too. “Get your lazy whore ass out of bed damnit!” Nevermind that it was usually five fucking thirty in the morning. Nevermind that I was still a child…well…uhh…technically…fifteen with your pubes on is still considered a “young’un” right? (Pubes…what a curious phrase…curiously delightful!) I mean really though, what IS there to see at sunrise anyway? Traffic out the ass…a cereal and coffee breakfast that never stayed down for me anyway…everybody running around like wee little rat terriers on speed with their rat terrier bobtails set alight by a mini flame burst from a…flamethrower. Oh yeaaaah, that was a LOVELY image wasn’t it? (Har har. ) Get ready for another one…oversized minority garbageman bending over to pick up your can with butt crack showing out of his stanky “drawlers.” Good, we’re both awake now! (Insert my smirk at you here.) Really, who’s missing a thing by missing all those “Kodiak Moments.” (Actually I’m rather surprised I remember that much about the “normal” routine. God, it’s been what? 20-some-odd years I guess…very ODD years…in every sense of the word.)

So how the Hell do I starth my day..err…night…anyway? Well, first I rise quite early at the crack of five-fucking-thirty…in the EVENING…and I…err…shit…I’m sorry, new journal, new friend…so IF I’m to obey my own rules (for once) I’m supposed to pretend you’re a person I’m talking to…bleh. Okay, Y’ELLOOOO! (Overly friendly hayseed rube voice) I’m Chet. Chester, yup, that’s my name…don’t wear it out…wear ME out HA! (What am I saying?? You’re a freaking scribblebook for crissakes!! ) And I’m a very VERY sick person….DON’T ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME LIKE THAT…stupid imaginary eyes-rolling-at-me-little-leprechaun—uhh…hottie she-babe with big tatas…uhh…person!! I DO have an illness!! (But why am I picturing my journal’s alter-ego as a leprechaun with oversized leprechaun tits?? God, I’m a freak! )

No, really, I’ve been infected with a virus…and I’ve been a card-carrying carrier of it since…what? The 80’s…yeaaap…definitely the 80’s. (And why in the heaping hell-a-ma-jig do we use the phrase “card carrying” anyway? It’s not like we all walk around like little happy doofuses or doofi handing out cards with our names on them to everyone…otherwise what ELSE would we have time for?? Damn I think too much…why? Because it’s what I have time for…all the annoying time in the world! )

NO…it’s not HIV, AIDS, AIDS Light, or Mecha-Godzilla super full blown AIDS…it’s NOT AIDS!!


Nope…it’s totally different than that. And much MUCH older.

Let me run down the symptoms for you:

· Infection by way of a bite from another person
· Get really freaking cold (body temp drops)
· Go into shock, and then practically die, then wake up
· Skin goes all pale…no matter how tan and sexy you used to be
· Fingernails grow faster than a muthafucker
· Pupils become really REALLY large
· Get wicked vicious flesh eating level sunburns if you go outside in the daytime…for too long.
· Two of your upper teeth become razor freaking sharp
· You don’t get sick with anything else EVER again
· You heal every time you get hurt super-quickish
· Oh, and did I mention the living a really long time and the need to wet your whistle with fresh blood??

HMMMMMM….Oh golly gee, I WONDER what that mystery ILLNESS could be?? HMMMMMMMmmm…

Pleased to meech’you…hope you guess my naaaaaame….but what’s puzzln’ you is the nature of my gaaaaaame….(Come on, sing…it’s fun!! )

What?? So I’m chopped liver now?? You all fraidy cat…now that you know what I am??

Why??

Really, I’m just a regular-ISH sort of a guy….I wear regular clothes…live in my own apartment in the city and have a job (more or less )

I pay taxes…I play video games…watch sports on the tele’ date occasionally….

(And stalk the night violently draining people of their blood and drinking it down like a bloodthirsty crack fiend mofo.)

AW COM’ONNN!! Come baaaack….. I’M KIDDING!!

(No I’m not!!) ;)

Well, at least about needing the fresh blood part…but we don’t kill other people for it anymore!!

(Unless of course, they really REALLY annoyth me…KRISHNA ENLIGHTENED MY ASS!!)

So yeap, you’ve got me, I’m not a Bi-guy or a T-Guy, I’m a V-GUY….

Hellooooo…my name is Chester, and I have Vampiritits….and….umm….God Bless…America….maybe??

Never been good at closing these things…bugger me.

More later…

Wishing you, Peace, Love, and Astroglide,

Chet

4 comments:

Sheri said...

I prefer the term "pubi" with the "i" taking on an "eeeee" sound. Just my two cents.

So how is your illness working out for you? Love your comments, interesting, colorful and offbeat.

Your last answer to your poll still has me in a fit of giggles.

The Frizzy Hooker said...

So, how have you adjusted to your illness besides rising at 5:30 pm and taking delight at missing the morning rat race?

Chet Of The Undead said...

Sheri RTYC---

Working out for me?

Weeeeell....what can I say, my abs, glutes and biceps look FABULOUS...

but why oh why must my PECS always be so pointy and deliciously inviting? ;) LOL :)

Gracias for stopping by...do it again repeatedly...

(I have donuts! ;) )

Chet Of The Undead said...

Frizzy Hooker RTYC---

Adjusting, why sure, I'm always working on adjusting myself...trouble is when you do it in public and the kiddos are suddenly watchin' Makes one look like a big-time pervert....

OOOH....to my ILLNESS! (missed that last part... :P lol

Seriously, yeaaap night in, night out...that's all I can do!

Stay tuned to see how I deal with it...if you're so inclinned! :)

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