Are You Watching Too Much Porn?

January 27, 2009

Are You Watching Too Much Porn?

You Just MIGHT be Watching WAY Too Much Porn In Your Spare Time If....

You can recognize almost every major porn star just by seeing her boobies. (And even some of the up and coming starlets too.)

You've named your three cats Lexington Steele, Peter North, and Julian.

When you get pulled over for a speeding violation, your first instinct is to ask the female officer..." WAAIT, Aren't you going to SEARCH me for a...concealed weapon??" and unzip your pants.

You've put in a Gloryhole between your bathroom and the master bedroom.

You think a 5-6 inch penis is way too small and abnormal.

You think the average woman is a 34 DD

When you try to order from Dominos, Pizza Hut, Or Papa John's, they always tell you... "For the 1000000th time Ma'am, NOOO, we do not have an item on our menu called The Big Sausage Pizza!!"

You have a large bottle of lotion or a dildo for every room of your house.

The ceiling of your kitchen and garage is covered in mirrors.

When you see the acronym A-T-M the first thing you think of is NOT an automatic teller machine

Your buds have all started calling you Quagmire

You can listen to the canned techno beat music in a local traffic report segment on the radio and immediately recognize which hardcore movie it comes from

You routinely try to borrow things like a cup of sugar or a chainsaw late at night from your neighbor in hopes that you might catch him and his wife/GF in the middle of sex...and hope he, "tags you in"

You assume that all tech support geeks, delivery men, gardeners, janitors, and plumbers are tall, ripped, and extremely well-endowed...and that they are paid in blowjobs.

You think every woman is secretly bisexual...and only needs a well-endowed maid from Prague who can barely speak English to bring it out of them.

You believe every woman owns a strapon, and carries it around with her everywhere she goes.

You can't remember what a condom looks like.

Your TV's default volume setting is very low or on Mute.

The first channel that always comes up on your TV is scrambled.

You took guitar lessons just so you could learn how to play "Bwow...chicachica...wo-WOOOW"

You think ALL black men have ridiculously large snakelike cocks, and that they all like to wear leopard print African tribal underwear.

You become extremely aroused while listening to the "local forecast" jazz music on The Weather Channel.

You have a autographed picture of Johnny Wad prominently displayed in your office at work.

You became terrified when you were having sex with your last girlfriend and her tits flattened out to the sides while she's on her back ( "Baby, are they supposed to move?" )

You think a man can shoot out gallons of "Man-ga-LAZE" EVERY TIME, no matter how many times he's had sex with you that night.

The only Cable Premium Movie Pack you have is for Cinemaxxx.

The Pay-Per-View department sends you a fruit basket and Christmas card every year.

Vaseline has started paying YOU for ]"all your years as a dedicated purchaser of our product."

Vibrator,Rabbit, and Sybian manufacturers send you their design specs and prototypes FIRST, to see if you can help them "iron out any kinks" before they ship out.

Every young man in your neighborhood has helped you "put the lotion on your back" while you're out by the pool.

You have chapped wrists and Popeye forearms

Every time a woman says to you in a loud authoritative voice,"You dirty sonofabitch!" you strip down to your underwear and suspend yourself from the ceiling by your wrists using your belt and shoelaces, bracing for...discipline.

You think it's perfectly normal to wear the same thing all day, knock boots with 5 or 6 different people without apparently ever washing or showering afterwards, and that the next lover that day will somehow not notice.

And finally....

You receive a bi-monthly "Update Newsletter" from Extenze.