Rant # 10: Becoming A Vampire Part II

Mood: McCool as Richard Roundtree is black
Season: Summer (What? You expected something different??)
Time: 3:15 A.M.


So, I guess this is the part where I’m supposed to act all 80’s TV two-parter cliff-hanger-riffic and say something in a deep sexy TV narrator voice like…”Previously on The Unlife…” and there’s probably supposed to be a series of nifty clips about explosions, hot women slapping the living zhit out of other hot women with poofy hair for sleeping around with their men (and their pets, power tools, cucumbers, house plants, etc etc) some random old fart (who no one has a PHUCKING clue who he is on the show) waking up from a coma and perhaps a shot of buck-ass-naked Patrick Duffy materializing outta nowhere or something…






....perhaps even a passing image of a Jack Russell terrier or two….

Because who in our “noble”country DOESN’T love America’s favorite dog breed A.K.A. Eddie Spaghetti from Frasier A.K.A. Moose A.K.A. may he rest in peace?

….seeing as how in my last entry I was supposed to be telling y’all the epic of how I, Chester McNabb, became a Vampire, but was oh so rudely interrupted by MEAT…

Grilled steaks are such whiny little bitches when they’re newborns aren’t they? (Wink.)


So….lemme see, me, driving to Houston, biker bar, tall as Hell blonde chick, possible game of pool against her….where did I leave off….can somebody remi- Oh YEAAH…something along the lines of THIS right?

“Did I mention that this God fellow HATES me?….”

Mmmmmkaaay….thanks….I’m on top of it now.


So…then we played….and we played….and we played….and then we ordered a pitcher of beer…chased that with another pitcher of beer….then MAYBE another pitcher of beer…some Tequila….and maybe paid for another game with beer nuts and pocket lint and a little money and Hall’s cough drops in there some place…but as the night wore on, I started to forget things. LOTS of things!

Like the fact that she kicked my ass the first time before I could even blink….and then AFTER I blinked and picked up my pride (and my testes)and played again… things got better…

…If by better, one means I added another two minutes to the amount of time it took for her to make me her pool hall bitch, HUZZZAH!


And yet again, I the stupid smiling penis, did paid for the pleasure of this chick’s company.

But, I have to say, from what I remember of it NOW…it really wasn’t so bad…at least not in the bad, bad sensical sense of the word…make sense?

She really was a charming conversationalist…and apparently I must have been turning on the charm too (or was it all due to my wingman Jose…Cuervo who finally decided to show up somewhere AFTER the fourth beer pitcher…or…uhh…some number like that…(I’m honestly surprised all that drinking didn’t kill me!)

Oh yeaaah…we definitely started flirting….

(if of course by flirting you mean by feeling each other up in a back hallway of a biker bar, long passionate kisses with lots and LOTS of tongue, oh and eventual gratuitous nudity.)

(Damn I’m good!)

Though for the shortest of spells, I thought this was all some kind of wonderful dream, that my subconscious mind had somehow conjured up a beautiful blonde with a killer sideboob profile, gorgeous dimples and an adorable small-of-the-back area…I thought for sure I’d wake up back in my dorm, with drool all over my pillow and that mini Pac Man throw barely covering my naked man-loins.

FUN FACT: Like any REAL man, Chet always sleeps “commando” style! You’re Welcome! (Snort!)

But, thankfully, as a nice change of pace, I woke someplace OTHER than my home, sweet shithole covered in pizza boxes and dirty laundry.


The next thing I know, I’m in this really REALLY swanky king-sized bed in what looks to be a five star hotel…everything is trimmed in warm colors and gilded gold shades…the furniture is the kinda swanky stuff I now only see in other peoples houses…a…uhh…I guess a kinda Queen Ann reddish cherry finished coffee table near the bed is the first thing that caught my eye…it had what appeared to be a fancy silver tray of fresh fruit and bagels on it…though, I gotta say everything was still kinda hazy. All I knew for sure was that it must be morning….ish (damn everything was so phucking BRIGHT) I could feel that I was naked with my bare ass on satin sheets (mmmmmm) and there was no freaking way I paid for this room…oh yeah, and that I was also flaccid. (Wink!)

And then, as I opened my peepers a little bit further I finally saw it….

Oh, I wouldn’t necessarily be freaked out by the fact that my wrists were tied to big fat pineapple bedposts with pantyhose.

(Uh…duuuur….COLLEGE…uhh…Helllo?? Ummm MCFLLLLY…HELLLO IN THERE!!)

No, what really freaked me out was the super gnarly tan I had worked so hard at South Padre almost all that summer to build had now somehow abandoned me in this new and strange city….tell me, why are tans so ungrateful? You give them the best years of your manwhoring life and then they’re GONE at the first sign of trouble!! Sheesh!!

Caption: Did anyone else happen to look at this picture and on first impresson think a big, shadowy giant was asking ol'Casper to "Pull My Finger?"

I had suddenly become Casper McPhucking Dork…only NERDY dudes were this freaking white (oh yeah, and statuesque blonde Nordic looking chicks)

….and white this fast? Defcom three people…truly a major W-T-F moment!! What the hell happened? Had I been, like, frozen or something?? Bleached in Clorox all night? Boinked almost to death??

(Please please PLEASE let it be boinked almost to death!!)


And I guess I was….well….sort of.

Right about then, when I was beginning to believe that only the GOOD points about last night were all a dream…SHE came in from a side door that apparently led to a really big-ass fancy bathroom.

“Oh good…you’re finally awake!!” Blondzilla said with a slightly nervous cheeriness in her voice.


I have to say, even though I was a might perplexciated, and maybe even a tad angry in my lack of knowledge over the situation, I still liked the way she looked in that black silken bathrobe that barely went down to her thighs. Must’ve only had robes enough for wee midget petite chicks. I wonder if she’s completely naked under there?

….wait…..Yeaaaap.

Thought I as she then lowered herself onto the bed on top of me and kissed me gently on the lips. I knew all too well the signature of a nice sized braless cleavage. Very nice.

“ Are…are you hungry?”

“ I dunno…umm….what time is it anyway?”

For some strange reason it just now occurred to me that, despite having drunk like a mad Irish demon the night before, I had no hangover symptoms at all.

“About 4:30.” My apparent Amazon one-night-stand answered in a softly sweet voice, stroking my bare chest with her fingertips.

Damn she was pretty…and soft. I must say, in spite of everything, those hypnotic green eyes of hers looking back into mine, so very VERY close to me, the way that her angelic blond tresses hung down freely against my shirtless skin, and the whispery sweet tone of her voice in my ear all made me feel a little better about things. Hey, at least I wasn’t going through this alone…whatever THIS was…hmmm….maybe this wasn’t really ANYTHING at all…maybe I was…was just….yaknow…seeing things.

“Holy SHIIIT baby…sleeping in ‘til 4:30… in the afternoon?? WOW…That’s like a new record for me…after a night of drinking and all…and…ummm….we…DID spend the night together last night….right??”

And then there was that delicious Mona Lisa smile of hers again. “Oh YEAAAH… you were great…MMMmmmmreally great!”

(Boooyaaah!)

Almost as quickly as the devious lusty smile had come upon the lips of my lady lover, it was gone again to be replaced with that nervous look in her eyes.

“Except….uhhh…..that wasn’t….TECHNICALLY… last night….uh….yeah….it was more like TWO nights ago…”

Okay, somebody please pimpslap me back to reality…STAT!

“Uhh…WHAT?? What the hell is going on?!”

“Wait! You haven’t even asked me why I tied you up…” replied Megazord Blondie, with a rather misdirecting tone in her voice, as if searching for anything that might delay the issue at hand.

“Well come on now, it’s not like I’ve never had a kinky minx in bed before, although since it’s been TWO DAYS APPARENTLY… you COULD untie me now if it’s not too much troub -“

“I COULDN’T! I didn’t know when you’d be finally clear of the fits!!” She says with an emphatic honesty in her voice.

“The what?”

“We all get them at first when we first begin to-“

“Begin to what??”

“I’ve been meaning to get to that I really am so SO sorry I never meant to do anything like this to you and I’ve never done anything like this before because when this happens we usually do it when they give us permission to do it and I never-“ Now backed away Blondie-squach from moi and the bed pacing back on her feet, rambling on nearly incoherent in her nervousness.

“WHAT’S GOING ON?!?!”

“I….I bit you.” Attack of the 50ft blonde answered in a meek whisper.

“You BIT me??”

“Yeah…but I didn’t MEAN t-”

“You bit me where?”

“On the… NECK maybe??”


At first I almost felt like bursting out in a redneck style belly laugh at this “revelation.” I mean here was some woman (albeit a sexy one) going into a manic fit over a little too “vigorous” a nibble on my neck during sex. What was she going to do, start giving me a teary eyed confession because she smacked my bare bum a little too hard, or stuck one too many fingers up my bunghole?

Then, I caught a glimpse at my ghost white arm again. And why is this room STILL so PHUCKING BRIGHT?? Somebody close the cur…oh wait…they ARE closed.

“Please Chester…say something.”


“Babe, how did you-?”

“Driver’s License silly boy…I had to go through your wallet to see if I could find someone to call in case you didn’t make it.”

“Didn’t make it? Through what, SEX??”

Finally, she cracked a genuine open-mouthed smile…but there was something barely noticed that seemed very WEIRD about it…like maybe…buck teeth…or…umm…something.

“NOOOOO…from when I BIT you!!”

“Do that again!”

“Do what?”

“Smile.”

And then, I saw them. Her toothy grin was barely toothy in her anxiety but it still was enough for me to know what was there that was not supposed to be.

“HOL-LEEE-SSSSHIT! Yougot like big, pointy-“

“Umm…they’re called fangs.”

I glanced back at my pale skin yet again…and then at the jolly queen giant with the nasty big pointy teeth who was, as if in an afterthought, finally trying to free me from the vile clutches of her death-defying pantyhose, though she only got through one. I snapped the other one off faster than you could say Key Lime Pie (literally) and sprung to my feet in a jiffy…jerking open that bigass bathroom door in a fit of panicked energy.

“Ohhhhplease please pleaaase don’t be MAD at me!! Let’s try to look back on this moment together as a…uhh….you know, as a kindof… LEARNING EXPERIENCE! Or…uh…I KNOW…as the start of a beautiful….and sexual…FRIENDSHIP!” the aBLOND-able snow-woman exclaimed quickly following after yours truly.



I barely had to make it inside to see the all too clear truth. It really wouldn’t have mattered if this hotel hadn’t been so highbrow in this moment, nor if the glass hadn’t been polished to a high mirror shine…nor did it matter that the bathroom was COVERED in large mirrors…or that there was a HUGE Jacuzzi with fully stocked bar….and a full-length mirror directly NEXT TO that Jacuzzi (damn, I wonder if we made “good” use of all this? Why am I NEVER allowed to remember my studliest moments?)

Oh yess my blog-children, it was all there.The pale skin, the permanently dilated pupils, my fingernails had grown like mad…and of course, when I leaned over the sink and felt inside my mouth, there they were…wee little POINTS now where formerly innocent teeth had been.

“OH MY GAWWWWWD! Babe, I look like a PHUCKING ZOMBIE!!”


“Uh…nooo, VAMPIRE…and by the way, the name is Sophia NOT babe…”

“Okay then, you’ve made me into a phucking vampire FREAK, Soap-box!!” Yours truly exclaimed sarcastically while still carefully examining my new…teeth.

“I’m so so so so so so SORRY!”

“HOW THE PHUCK COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?!”

“Well…we were going at it all hot and heavy on the bed, and….it was all just so WONDERFUL because you don’t know how LONG it’s been since I’ve had a guy who…(nibbles lip with shy smile )….FIT ME so perfectly…”

Oh no, that’s not bragging, I remembered that part correctly. Put it this way read-along folk, even if I HADN’T gone to UT and had opted to go to Baylor, Tech, or even U of H instead…I’d STILL be a LONGhorn….well….in at least ONE sense of the word! (Devious fangy smile.)

“You just felt so incredible inside me….and when I start feeling that incredible I get kinda feisty so I really wanted to grab you and hold you tight like, scratching my nails down your back as you sat there on my bed and I locked my legs around you…and then you tilted your head back and growled like a beast as you started to pick up the pace and….and…are you a swimmer??”

(Say what??)

“Uh…WHAT?? What in the hell does that got to do wi-”


Sophie continued rambling right on through at near hyper lip drive. When nervous Soph never breaks for anything. Especially questions.

“I really LOVE swimmer/surfer type guys, broad shoulders and…such thick, THICK necks…and there was yours…and well when I have sex with normie guys I USUALLY use protection….”

“Protection?!”


“ Yeaaap….Handcuffs. I handcuff myself to the bed so I’m not too tempted and youknow it’s kinda KINKAAAY and hahaahaha…yeah but then there was your neck, all thick and tan…and I promise I really WAS only gonna nibble on it a LITTLE…with like…my safer teeth, be all sexy rough on you….but then, I just kinda went NUTS…it’s an instinct youknow…”

“Ummm….which part? The biting or the freakishly tall blonde going completely nuts?!”

“You know, the *Hisses brandishes her fangs like an animal * thing!!”

“Uh…huuuuuh….” Said I, looking her in the eyes now, but pretty much in shock at this point. How could such an attractive woman talk so fast and be so phucked up?

“Chester, I just kinda got maybe a LITTLE carried away…and before I knew it, I was drinking all your blood, uuhh… almost all of it…and I was going to stop, HONEST, because no matter whether a vampire human kills you or a daywalking human, or a wolfman human ( mutters here “ I don’t even know if wolfmen really exist or not” ) kills you…it’s still murder…but it’s been SO LONG too since I’ve had ANY human blood yaknow…especially fresh from the tap, and as any fool vampy knows H-blood is premo stuff….but then I realized I was almost KILLING YOU…. I couldn’t do that to a guy as cute AND funny as you…”

“Cute…and funny…” My head nodded up and down like a bobblehead doll blank of virtually all intelligent thought…which I pretty much was by this point. It didn’t even occur to me that I had been standing there completely naked this whole time either, and that I had no idea where my clothes were.


“So I did the one thing that I could do to save your life…I shot my vamp juice into you…and made you…well….like….me…umm…..SURRRRPRISSSE!!”

“Like….me….” By now I was just parroting everything she said….man everything is getting really, REALLY bright again…whoa!

And right about there is where I hit the floor.

Apparently, as I would later learn, this was all part of the transformalogical process…the bite, the two days plus coma, the unconscious thrashing about, the blathering on of a Cybertron sized blonde orc women trying to explain herself…more unconsciousness…sensitivity to light as you get used to your eyes, confusion, your magnificent young male bod made to look as pasty white as a fatty piece of uncooked bacon etcy etcy.

Long story short, when I came to, and saw that she had stepped out for a bit, I found what clothes of mine I could, and then made like a tree….and got outta there!

Through the years and through some sorta semi mutual acquaintances of ours, (who also at times would “angle” me on her behalf) I’d later learn that this Danish looking dame, my unfortunately fortunate “maker” was a 120-something year old vampy chick who today goes by the name of Sophia Haeger, and that she had been some sorta snooty Ragtime era “Deb” in the Big Apple or New England or something in her original “normie” life, when some vampie rico sauve’ dude bit her ANND her even more annoying mother.

She had been down there in Houston visiting since the Mommykins had jumped the broom again with an H-town oil executive suga-daddy (Hey, it WAS the ‘80s at the time…dawgs!) Talk about good timing.


So, yeah, to FINALLY try and wrap my story up a bit here, yep I think about her from time to time, I mean, she WAS (and is) a sweet girl…and did try to do the right thing by me and all. (Even had my shitty Civic towed to the hotel and cleaned….though, I was a might miffed at that too at the time, seeing how my vehicular shit inside it was all PRECISELY organized, and my epic collection of alphabetized Mickydees Styrofoam cups in the backseat was gone!)

And yeaaaap we did briefly meet again for a little while once about ten years ago when I had to go up to Beantown for some personal-ish biz’ness (don’t ask!) and I suppose things did get a little better between us, but I still found it then, and now, hard to completely forgive her….hard to let go of the fact that someone completely changes your life ( a difference like NIGHT AND DAY, nyuck nyuck!) without asking you if that’s what you want…though I guess this IS better than, I dunno, being deader than fried chicken by now.


Yeap, I do still think about her this time of year, about what might’ve been…had I listened to her a little more the last time I saw her…or if I should’ve been “nicer” about it all.

In any rate, let me tale be a lesson to you blog-kiddies, neck with the wrong chick and it’s your

ass!

Ever since I first saw this so-so flick, (Innocent Blood) I've often wondered if they hired Soph as a kind of "Technical Advisor" Still can't believe that's the same chick who played the Queen Mother in Man in the Iron Mask and that's the "old dude head FBI guy" from Without A Trace!

Always practice “safe” sex….with handcuffs,

Chet