Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Horror Movie Ideas I'd Love To See




Let's face it Daywalkers...your share of "scare faire" has gotten kind of a bit....uhh....stale as of late.

Dark woods, creepy masked killer with some piece of kitchen cutlery, running twits with cold nipples screaming through said woods, or a dirty abandoned warehouse, or an idyllic small town laid waste, run, slash, slice blood sputter, a bunch of doofuses or young hot Abercrombie and Fitch models die...a scruffy Ken Doll helps the "Final Girl" save the day...and SCENE!

Wouldn't you like to see something different?

I know I WOULD...

So here's a few ideas that I as a "certified MONSTER" have come up with!!


1. Russ Trolls....Evil Killers!

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Remember these little gem-tummied collectible fantasy creatures from the early 90's? (nod along with me as if you do!) Wasn't their hair so soft, their little outfits so cool and collectible? Their eyes so LARGE and unblinking? Eyes that seem clear, be-jeweled, and if made of red glass, GLOWING WITH EVIL??

Think about it. They sit on your dresser for years and years gathering dust. You NEVER play with them anymore. You don't rub their hair for good luck. I tell you folks...they're plotting....and it's only a matter of time....before they STRIKE!!


2. Role Reverse-a-nista!


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How many MANY times have you seen a flick where some almost unseen humanoid monster like a Werewolf or Vampire like yours truly is out alone aimlessly roaming the night hunting you poor defenseless (with lots of guns, and Army Rangers and Marines) innocent Daywalker Humans???

Yet in REAL LIFE how many times have you EVER heard of one of us attacking you guys?? Come on....ignore the crickets churpin' and giveth me your best.....uh yeah that's what I thought....ALMOST NEVER!!

How's this for a true and more accurate idea...how about a film where the poor Vampires, Zombies, and Werewolves living in our own awesome Sun Belt gated communities minding our biz'ness, playing tennis in short, short white shorts and knee-high tube socks by the light of ze moon, and then you dorks come along with your guns, your Slap Chops, and your Extenze samples and you try to kill us all??

Oh I'm SURE somebody SOMEWHERE has cranked out something like this...but I think it's about damn time for a revival...don't you??


3. Murder at the Post Office Or DPS!!



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The weird thing is...here I didn't have to do any doctoring de pic-wise whatsoever. It's a mailman...yeaaah...scary all by his little ol'self! And who in their not-so-right mind is ever gonna tell me that they haven't thought about going slaughterhouse whilst standing in line for 2 hours plus at Texas DPS or A.K.A. the DMV!


4. Killer Telemarketers!!


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They never quit. They always seem to know PRECISELY when it's a bad time to call. It's almost like they KNOW when you're eating, they KNOW when you're not awake. They know when you're taking like a really loooong piss...so come on streaking out the bathroom with toilet paper running down your legs to answer the phone for goodness sake!

Ever stop to think WHY they always want you to take that survey?? Or WHY you MUST change your long-distance or cell phone service to THEIRS ummm RIGHT THEN AND THERE??

Maybe they're harvesting intel for the unholy Vampire-Zombie army that's coming to FEAST on YOUR blood and brains?

Or it could be they're just poor white trash with a $500/a day meth habit and kids to feed....you never know! lol ;)


5. Death and Taxes...oh...and more DEATH!!


The IRS. Nuff Said! :)


6. School Guidance Counselor Murderers!

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Oh sure, YOU remember them. Those truly Bizarre looking Guidance Counselors who looked as dorky as dork could be.

Those pocket protector wearing persons of SUPREME passive-aggressive angst. You could almost feel it, almost feel the hate, the frustration flowing through them like the Force through a Sith Lord. (Then again, it COULD have just been "perviness" after having looked at the girl in the thigh-high skirt in the appointment ahead of you...or perhaps a nip of Jack Daniel's at lunch.)

Going to have your next year's SHED-ule planned out by you and the Guidance Counselor....'twas always as truly an American experience as driving a Toyota Camry or eatting a Dutch Apple Pie...and the inherent creepiness of the scenario was par for the course.

Seems like an obvious horror flick idea to me! ;)


7."Here Sir, just please take this Pamphlet...covered in BLOOD!!"

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They all dress the same, they look like "Children Of The Corn" and they seem very VERY eager to get into your house and your mind.

Opening your front door to missionaries and/or the really "clean cut" dude selling generic candy for his school's band COULD just be the last thing you ever do!


8. That Adorable Paperclip....FROM HELL!!


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Anyone who has had to do a college term paper or a High School English composition on Microsoft Word in the last 15 years has seen him. Officially he's the Microsoft Office Personal Assistant...but we just all call him the "paperclip thingie."

He stands ready to assist as our assistant, but how often do we REALLY let him do his job? How much is he APPRECIATED for his cuteness??

No no!

He sits all ALONE at the top of our Word Desktop, long ago ignored and forgotten... left to doze off and crinkle up in the corner into whatever weird shape he makes when he falls "asleep." (How the hell should I know? ;) )

But he's not asleep is he....oh no.

He's just waiting....seething with rage...tired of being maligned and ignored...tired of OTHER googly eyed creatures getting all the glory, tired of people not knowing how to use the tab key!

It's time for SOMEBODY ELSE to get Alt Shift Deleted for a change!! Remember that when you paste a large amount of text to the clipboard there's NO ONE left to hear you scream!!



9. The Clucking Cooop de Grace....OF SATAN!!


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As a "Nocturnal" Texan (But most importantly, a TEXAN! ;) ) I can say I've been inside a full-to-the-wire chicken coop before. But, if by chance you haven't, I suggest you give it a try at least once in your life. (ERRR make that ONLY once in your life!)

Why?? Because I SAID SO! Isn't that good enough for you?? ;) lol

But seriously, watch chickens sometime. They move WEIRD man! They jerk their heads around, walk oddly, they're dumb as freakin' Hell and all think as a group, and seem to only focus on one thing in life...constantly FEEDING...

GEE, I WONDER WHO ELSE that sounds like??

(Okay, stoners sure, but I was thinking more like ZOMBIES...but hey... lol )

If it worked for Hitchcock in The Birds it could damn well work in this movie idea too...KILLER CHICKENS!! I tell you, it's time has come!!

and finally...

10. Zombie Brides...OF DEATH!!

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If it LOOKS like BORG, ACTS like BORG and TALKS like BORG....then it's probably women of the FLDS cult!

This is actually kinda/sorta a Horror film playing out in real life...perhaps it would be cool to see a flick where one of these chicks, or perhaps maybe a group of them SNAP and finally take their sweet, sweet REVENGE on their demon jailers...err...I mean their HUSBANDS!!

And with that bizarre thought, I wish you all a Happy Wednesday Blogland!!

--Chet


a cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general

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