Thursday, August 21, 2008

Rant # 8: Ask A Vampire

Mood: Crab-apple-y.
Season: Summer (deeply deep sigh)
Time: 2:03 in the P.M.


Oh yesss my faithful readers, you DID read that right…this IS an actual non-replica post posted by yours vampiric truly…in the DAYtime!!

Well gee, what reason might YOU normie non-nocturnal daywalker pansies be up at say, 3 or 4 O’Clock…ish during the work week…in the middle of the night/early morning…a time when I’m usually either getting off…. WORK (wink, wink) and/or going on a gratuitously ravenous grubbing run for dinner munchables?

Right, you can’t sleep….well….right now neither can I….damnit!

Believe it or not, vampires CAN get insomnia. We ARE humans after all, just a different species of humanoid…kinda like those cavetard thingamajigglers on those gecko car insurance ads….only….sexier.

It’s all my evil slave mistress’ fault…she left the nipple clamps on too tight!

Ha!

Actually, it’s really for a reason you and me both bro-heim probably know all too well…doncha just hate it when you had to work like a mad squirrel on speed, Jolt cola, and crack, all during your last shift and now you’re like, totally “keyed up?”

Well zhit happens cracker gees…it happens.

I went to bed more or less at my normal time…about 10:15 am or so…but my mind’s just been a’racing like a race horse who knows it’s going be his last run around the track, so he wants to hurry up and get it over with so he can be put out to stud.

Wouldn’t that be a “quality” retirement…laying around all night…all the GRASS you can handle…and lots of “handlers” around you paid to do nothing but…uh….handle your….uhh….HANDLE for you….lucky horsey bastards!!

I haven’t gotten more than about one or two hours of sleep…yathink I should call in? Take a sleep aide? Put myself out to stud? (Winkidy wink Part II.)


Yeaap…I’d prefer to go with option C as well bookfriends, but alas, alack, my good pseudo-bud, realistically I’ll need to call in….might lose yet ANOTHER crummy jobabge for it potentially…but I care not…it’s not like I haven’t been down a road like this before, many MANY times.

I suppose since I have nothing better to do for the mo-mo…I COULD take the time to answer a few queries from some mysterious e-mails I’ve been getting from you random reader book-friend stragglers who were actually smart enough to find my email address….

Don’t worry, I won’t reveal your dorky email/names/addresses/bra/condom sizes…after all, how effective is blackmail if all your SSSECRETS are out in the open? Ha just kidding!! (Well…probably!)


I’ll start with the easiest ones that I’ve received first, seeing as how I’m sleep deprived and all.


EMAIL QUERY UNO: “Does the stake through the heart thing actually work?”

Sure…it most certainly does!

(on YOU…you unbelievably easily breakable daywalker bastard child!! muahahahaha)

Ha…just kidding…well…KIND OF….because in all seriousness…NO it really doesn’t. Anything connected to our bodies save maybe our beautiful domes up top of our necks can regenerate. Really! Cut off my finger, it grows back. Cut out my heart…my body makes a new one within minutes (and polishes your tarnished car to a high mirror shine! Snicker snicker.)

Really the only reason you do the stake thingy is to keep my super strong nocturnal ass pinned down long enough to cut my handsome faced head from my body. But please, don’t be so quick to judge if you see me running at you in the dead of night…or any other known vampire for that matter. He/me may just want to know what time it is…or if you’d like a delicious Mentos…or he (okay ME) MAY just want your email/phone number so he can take you home and BOINK the hell out of your righteously fine ass! Hey, you never know.




Caption: So-called "Vampire Hunter's Kits" are all B-S!! Pictured here is an ACTUAL 19th century Vamp-hunting kit from Romania. Isn't it ADORABLE how they made the crosses double as little wooden stakes? And what the heck do they think they're going to do to us with all that A-1 Steak Sauce? Silly Wabbits!! ;)

EMAIL QUERY TWO: “What about garlic and crosses dude?”

Kinda…and nope, old sport-tiger-chief-ol-buddy-ol-pal!

As I believe I have said before…Vamps like yours truly have an EXTREMELY sensitive sense of smell. (Seriously, if you need to track a runaway…roommate who stole your…uhh…Cheezits, IPod, or Cheezits-flavored IPod…. in lieu of a coondog you COULD employ one of us instead.)

Strong really really funkadelic smells effect us far more strongly than you normies (don’t even ask me to go into a Bed, Bath, and Beyond with you…not gonna happen! Too many smells happening at once!!)




Caption: AAHHHHH!! Run Away, RUN AWAY!!

Conversely, sweet smells like a really great cologne or fragrance ATTRACT us.

So, that’s probably where the idea of wrapping a wreath of garlic around your neck came from, to repel us …but why use something like that when you could use something FAR more effective…like say, if you started wearing homemade jewelry fashioned from weeks-old garbage…or started smearing a light face paint foundation of your own diarrheic liquid feces all over your face. That would definitely repel us Vamps forever…and pretty much everyone else.

As far as crucifixes are concerned…again, V-Peeps like meep…err..ME are not inherently evil (though I’m bad to the bone…my BONE…SNORT!)



Caption: When repelling Vampires in the REAL world, say NOOO to garlic and crucifixes and YESSS to fresh'n'steamy piles of dog shiaaaat!! (That is, if you're insane in the membrane!! Hell, what did I ever do to you anyway man?? ;) )

Some of us are even quite religious….just like any other humans…some not.

The idea probably came from a simple truth: Early times (like say those GNARLY AWESOME Middle Ages) had torturously little pyromaniac mcsweeties called Inquisitors running around in their holy pajamas everywhere setting all kinds of people and adorable baby monkeys on fire, which thus equals a bad night for Vampires ( Duh! )

So if you see one too many crosses coming at you from a distance…it’s probably a good idea to make like a female gymnast and split. The reason this folklore came about is probably originally from that very smart Vamp defensive instinct.




WATCH! WATCH! WATCH! :)


And one last quickie one….The Chet needs his beauty sleep!

EMAIL QUERY THREE: “How do you like your steak?”

Free!! (Fangy smirk here.)

In the humble words of that wise sage Vincent Vega in Pulp Fiction, BLOODY AS HELL!!

What?? Are you actually surprised?? Har har.

Okay folks, I’m off to try and get some shuteye….but just as a B.S.P.S. for the future….

Blood Stained Post Script, you smart-arsed paper nimrod!!

….if you too have a curious quandary about “Nocturnal Culture” or anything else that tickles your fancy, feel free to drop me a line at my email address (chettacular@yahoo.com) just make sure you put in the subject bar “Questions For Chet” (so I know you’re not a spam bot, stalker, horny chick, bill collector, or a horny-spam-bot-stalker-bill-collector-chick) and I’ll most likely either answer you directly, or in a future post.

Well, IF I feel like it! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!





Watch Your Necks…. ANNND Your Corn Holes,

Chet





















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