Saturday, July 12, 2008








RANT # 3, NIGHT # WHATEVER

Mood:
Doing the half-nekked happy dance
Season: Still Summer (I still think.)
Time: 8’O’Clock PM…ish


SWISSSSSSH! Yaaaaaay!!

Guess what tonight is??

(What?? I told you to GUESS!!)

Seriously, I’m not writing another dadgum thing until you do…..
……….
………..

……..

ladeedah lah lah lah oooooh playing with my toooooe naaaaails….because I’m a stubbornnnn prick…. laaaa de dah pickn’ my toe naaaaails…

It’s TGISN, N for you paper nimrod!!

Thank Gaawwd It’s Saturday Night!!

Isn’t that wonderful??

Okay…humour me anyway!! (He smirks again.)

Well in any rate it’s good for me because I get to sleep in a LOT later…until it’s like…I dunno…actually dark outside??

What dang fool thought it wise to start a Vampire’s workday off well before the sun goes down…it’s just SOOOO unnatural!! (He sticks his tongue out between his fangs.)

In reality though, I don’t work for another Vampire…I work for regular normie daywalking garden variety humans….in fact, most of us do.

Why live in a shithole rundown bunghole-low with no utilities when you can live in the NOW….21st century…and have cool nifty stuff for when the babes come over?

EXCITING FUN FACT: Babes don’t get horny for you when you live in a dilapidated one hundred year old shit-shack in the middle of a graveyard.

So for that you need payola, quid, game tokens, cash, clams, bread, the dough, the grease, plastic mackin’-fantastic….MONEY….I think you get the point!

Sure, there are Vamps everywhere who buy into the whole touristy kinda mythos…they shave their heads, make themselves look uber as eeky-ish as possible and squat in a condemned building…as IF that alone makes them some kind of a badass or something….

But the majority of us don’t…we don’t like our pits to reek of 30-day old B-O…like I said man, LIVE IN THE NOW.

Shoot, even the Vamps that are forced to live that near cavemanly style bloodsucker existence (like say, the REAL Nosferatu type guys) prefer some AIR CONDTIONING…you know…just every once in awhile.

Perhaps for when it’s August here in Austin and gee, I dunno, like 900 FREAKIN’ DEGREES OUTSIDE!!

Oh yeah, maybe I should digress…. as I continue to lay in my bed almost completely undressed…. and explain to you, Bloggie McBlogstein what vampy types there are.

One, you got a guy Vamp like me right….I’m more or less normal…save somewhat paler skin and the fact that my eyes look painted black much of the time (which kinda sucks ‘cus I tell ye truly I once had the prettiest big blue eyes…but now you can barely see them…stupid stupid overgrown black vampire pupils!!)

I can go out in the sun most of the time…even in the middle of this season and not die from overexposure….unless I try to…umm..…flex my gloriously muscular marbley white man-pecs on the boardwalk at Venice Beach in nothing but a skin-tight Speedo in the middle of the day for like, four or five hours straight….

Ew…sorry.

But then there’s V-Peoples like my best friend Remmy….a Nos-Vamp to the max…totally a dead ringer for Max Schreck….lives in a boat house in the middle of like, a sewer or something…but it’s really not as bad as it sounds…he’s a charming silly bitch and makes a FANTABULOUS tiramisu!! Older than dirt…(seriously, he’s like…counting on my fingers and toes here…1500 years old….err I think…older than the topsoil on the ground! )








Yet, would you believe the guy gets more boo-TAY than anybody I know?? Even tan normie rednecks who play acoustic guitars at Starbucks shirtless and look like Matthew-freakin’-McCounahey can’t keep up with his raging codger hormones.

Crazy!

You’d be amazed what a guy can do with a tugboat stuffed down in a sewer when you’ve been stockpiling away moolah in a Swiss bank account for the last 500 years!!

Lucky Bastard… friend. ;)

I guess that makes up for that first bite.

You see, that’s what determines just what the heck you’re gonna look like when they make you…all of us have ways of controlling just how much of us we put into you when we bite down.

It’s complicated, and I really don’t have time to explain it…

And even if I were lying my ass off to you and DID have the time to explain it…I’m really too lazy to do it!

Long story short…bite down too long and with too much of your “Vamp Juice” from the fangs and they go all troll…too short and they run and call the cops on your ass!

Whoever made Remmy all those centuries ago went apeshit and sucked down on his man-sirloin (from the NECK genius!) just a little too long.

So, yeah, he looks more like a fruit bat face than I do…and if he goes out during the daytime longer than about 30-45 minutes his ass is practically flaming Toaster Strudel…but why do you even need to go out in the sun when you’re a billionaire, have a pimped out boat, speak a dozen languages, and are pretty much going to live forever (well, several millenniums anyway.)

I suppose nothing in life is free…everything has a tradeoff.

Anyway, enough jibber jabber Blogsy, I’ve gotta go do my laundry, shower, and then get ready to meet the asforeskin-mentioned Remmy…for beers and cosmic bowling at midnight.

























What?? Two totally and completely hetero Vampire guys can go cosmic bowling in the dark together can’t they??





Seriously…they can….right??

HA!!

Whatever blog, begone with your sarcasm for now…ya bother me kid!

‘Till next time, watch your necks and have a great weekend.

Ta’s a’plenty,

Chet

2 comments:

Jonny Macabre said...

I have a question. Before there were 24 hr atm's and super walmarts; how did vampires go to the bank, buy furniture, and do all the other things that need to be done in daylight?

Chet Of The Undead said...

Johnny Macabre RTC--- Well, personal experience-wise I wouldn't know, seeing as how, as vampires go, I'm just a "young'un" as in born in the 20th Century/Modern era.

BUUUUT...many of my friends are, like, really REALLY old vamp-farts...as is my oft-mentioned local "hommie" Remmy...as is another vamp-chick friend of mine named Trish (who I don't believe I've mentioned)

Anyway, Remmy for most of his life has been what you might call a high roller, so in earlier times I believe he depended on excellent service (in oh so many ways! ) from his hired employees/servants.

Yeaap, he paid them well. ('course if he were an eveel bastard vamp he could've threatened them with draining all their blood while they sleep...that tends to be a good motivator too, so I hear :P lol)

As for my friend Trish who was originally botn some kinda English pasant chick, I believe she did quite a bit of clever theivery...or something along those lines.

Hope that helps.

Great question! :)

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