The Unlife

The 100 Cheesiest Movie Quotes Of All Time-- PAJIBA

2012-01-30T02:24:00.002-06:00

Movies are fun aren't they Sunshiners??

Especially when they don't try to be huh?? :P lol

Maybe you've seen this, maybe you haven't, but NO DOUBT you've seen some of the flicks featured in
Pajiba's 100 Chessiest Movie Quotes of All Time!!

If those don't make you bust a whimsical gut laughing, I don't know what will!! :)

-- Chet

Fantastic On-Air News F'UPs-- YDL

2012-01-25T01:02:00.001-06:00

Well Daywalkers, if you don't think there is ANY form of life more pale of face and dead-eyed than your average, garden-variety Vampire, I got one for you...NEWS ANCHORS!!

Well...sometimes.

Giveth a whimsical little perusal to some of the GREATEST LIve TV News screwups of the past year, as presented by Your Daily Laughs

Enjoy!!

The snake prank and the IPad joke....soooooo classic!! ;)

--Chet

PROOF That Cute Girls Can Get Away With Anything!!

2012-01-24T00:28:00.002-06:00

Think you've seen everything there is to possibly see on
Youtube?

(Then obviously you must be WAAY too busy doing real, all-American productive-like stuff when you SHOULD be wasting time with the rest of us!! Daywalkers or not!! :P :D )

It seems that not ONLY has 80's child actress Gaby Hoffmann somehow magically de-age-a-fied herself, but she's developed what is perhaps the coolest facial tick ever!! :P

Watch! (and regret the time you spend here LATER!! :P )

Pretty cool huh??

(I'll pretend you didn't make that thar face, AND that you're a hot chick!! lol :) )

--Chet

Funniest Death Scenes In Movie History

2012-01-23T01:14:00.002-06:00

Yeah yeah, I knooooow, simple, easy, Lazy, Eatting-Cheese-Puffs-In-My-Bikini-Underwears-y or whatever the heck else you wouldn't...er WOULD use to describe this post...

I careth not :P lol

Rule of thumb, start off the year slow and easy and FINISH everything out...EQUALLY slow and easy! ;)

Hey it's funny, it's deaths, it's movie deaths, it's....

FUNNY MOVIE DEATHS!!

You will enjoy this brand of my laziness...peruse!!

(Sorry, the buttplugs disabled direct embeding on this clip!! :( )

But yeah, Brendan Fraser apparently REALLY hates it when people don't recycle huh? lol :) )

--Chet

I Shall Return...SOON!!

2012-01-05T19:30:00.001-06:00

Hey Daywalker Folks!

Let me drop a quick note to say to sit tight folks...I may not TECHNICALLY be back yet, but more brand-spanking new blogposts are on the way!

DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SETS!

Stay Tuned,

--Chet

A Still Verry Merry Vampire Christmas

2011-12-19T19:00:00.000-06:00

T’was the night before Vampire Christmas and all through Chet’s shitty little apartment (house) not a creature was stirring, not even his neighbor Pepe Ice’s Pitbull…”Mouse.”

(Apparently even those in ‘dat thug life have a sense of irony and humour.)

Nah, they really don’t, I made that all up for kicks…but it WAS kinda clever huh?

(Nod along and pretend you agree with the man with the adorable dimpled cheeks and the nasty sharp pointy fangs.)

Though I do have a neighbor named Pepe…somewhere in this building…not sure if he’s actually supposed to be living here or if he’s booty buddies with some old lady up in this hissous..but there ya go…

Sure, Vampires have Christmas too…I mean, does Santay Claus get locked in one of those FoodSaver Vacuum seal packages and frozen in your grocer’s freezer immediately on December 26th to insure he’s crispy fresh for next year?

Hell nooo kiddos!!

Santa’s got, like a whole other secret life selling Amway products and public school band candy franchises on the side to unsuspecting slackers and their unisexual band/shop/theatre teachers (He’s got a right jolly old elf PATENT on that annoying shit!!)

…so who sez Vampies only do stuff on Halloween?? If YOU did, you’re soooo getting pimp-slapped ANNND bitchslapped!!

(Strictly in the metaphorically philosophical sort of way, of course…)

Nope, no I really don’t get to spend much of my Yuletide with my ACTUAL family, seeing as how I once had the decency and all many moons ago to tell Mom and Dad about my little necking “accident” and…well…Pops has since banished me from the House of McNabb as it were.

But don’t cry for me Argentina (Jones) just yet…

(Though, you should be tempted…I mean what kinda Ghetto hoochie mamma was your mamma ta’name you after a whole danged country anyway?? Lemme guess, your baby brother’s named Djibouti Jackson?? HA!! )

But, yeah, we get all the Vamps together I know (plus other poor souls who I have no idea who the Hell invited them) and make are OWN patchwork Christmas!!

See, in the unlife, it’s kinda a necessity for those you meet over the centuries who share your same shameless sanguine “affliction” to stick together.

Even if your original kinfolks don’t know about your radical transformation, or if you tell them and by some truly buckwild miracle they DON’T disown you as an evil Hellspawn Vampirical buttplug of Beelzebub himself, you’ll still outlive everybody you know. Guaranteed.

Except Vampies…

(Oh and maybe…umm….the…Kurgan…and Connor McLeod of The Clan McLeod…and his sexy trenchcoat, bedhead, and white tenneys!!)

So, either on December the 24th or the 25th, we get together, Moi, Remmy, Trishipoo, Antoine, and a lot of other vampires at an undisclosed location (usually squatting like a bunch of adorable hobos and loiterers) and have our Christmas party.

We each contribute our own little “piece” to the puzzle. Remmy usually gives his 1000th rendition of his “old timer’s “ lecture on the true origins of Christmas…

“Chet my Young Blooded Friend, Did I ever tell you how when I was a kid Christmas wasn’t Christmas at all…but was about celebrating the god Sol Invictus??”

“(Trying not to sigh too deeply)YESSSSS …”

“….and there were the rituals of Mithras and one time my father…”

“Wrestled and killed a young crazy horny bull with his bare hands? Yeaaaap”

“Oh…well…uhhh… Hey! Did YOU KNOW…that the word Christmas is ACTUALLY an amalgam of two words first commonly used in the time what you modern fellows would call the ‘Middle Ages’ but I CALL ‘Yesterday’ a-hahaha (amused, laughing with himself)…”

“Christ Mass…Yeaap I got it…thanks Remmeister…good talk again this year!”

Antoine always remembers to bring a HUGE batch of AUTHENTIC New Orleans Bread Pudding and praline sauce that he whips up himself…and sings Christmas songs a’la the Louis Armstrong way.

I have my special spiked Egg Nogg recipe which I most secretly make while Remmy assists (and also INSISTS I hear his “bonus” Egg Nogg/Grogg story and about a Yule festival he spent in Iceland in 965 in the A.D.)

And then Trish takes us back to her English roots and for all who are willing after a few drinks (okay, maybe MORE than a few) on a wassailing run of her apartment building.

“…..We are not daily begg-ARS That beg from door to doooooor….But we are ye neighbors' chil-DREN….Whom ye hast seen be-FOOOOOORE!”

* Bangy-bang-bangs on the door with her little hands*

“OYYY!! Open’um up and share Christmas with us….OR ELSE!!”

It’s like caroling, only with a BIT more drunkeness and TP’ing involved.

Yeah, I suppose no matter how repetitive it all is (and how VERY likely it will probably all annoy me a little in a milenina or so) these traditions I spend with my pales…err..PALS of the night are fun and comforting.

But, I DO miss my blood kinfolks. (No pun intended.) Pops creating a masterpiece of a Christmas Turkey fresh off his bigass “competiton cookoff” grade grill. My big bro Doogie letting me help him read “The Night Before Christmas” to my wee nieces and nephews when they were little.

Which reminds me…Dayum…they’re what? Counts on his fingers Buddy H. CHRISSSST!! They ain’t so little anymore…Hell, Doug’s bound to have a grandkid (with a rattail) or two by now..

Hell. Maybe even my little LITTLE brother Harry Bates McNabb might be a grandpappy by now too… SHIIIT!!

Then there was little sis Pasty( Cline McNabb) and her singing…the only one in our clan who could honest-to-freaking-gawwd carry a tune effectively…maybe she really IS adopted (or a mutant!! HA!)

Then there was Momma and her Whiskey Cake…made with the most expensive Jim Bean Black she could commandeer from Pops’ liquor cabinet in the “Gun Room.”

(Because guns and fine aged liquor go together like peas and carrots people!!)

Ahh yes, a goood ol’Fashioned Texas family Christmas.

Momma always does seem to smuggle me out a “New Year’s Christmas” card with a photo of their get together inside anyway, despite my Father’s insistance on my excommunication….

…with notes like “Chester, You’re not forgotten” or “Once a Mother, always your Mother”

SNIFF SNIFF!

Hmm…maybe one day…when the Old Man finally bites it…I can come home…*sigh* Mayybe even bring a few of my friends along for the ride

And it’s even stranger in these times…how often I find myself thinking about my gigantor Amazon woman “creator.”

Her “Mum” is a Vamp too afterall. I wonder if she appreciates it…Remmy and Trishie’s parents, brothers, nieces, nephews, and bastard brothers cousins nieces and nephews turned to bone-dust in their graves a LOOoooooNG time ago.

Must be nice to have someone that close to you to live near-eternity with…someone who remembers where you come from first hand.

OR, it could be a living nightmare. :P :)

In any rate, I find myself thinking about so many people, the fam, friends, Sophie, so many I’ve loved, lost, found, hit with flying pillows, lost again, found, and hit with more flying pillows, and maybe also fired off a ceramic pig at, before losing them again...

I close this entry(and the year) with a line from an old George Strait Christmas song…

Merry Christmas…Wherever You Are!

See you in January Daywalkers (Don't delete me from your watch lists, fear not...I WILL BE BACK!! :) )

--Chet

Top Ten Pranks Of 2011-- break

2011-12-13T00:06:00.001-06:00

You like pranks Sunshine??

Sure, who doesn't? Need some ideas?? Or maybe a POSSIBLY unsanitary full-body massage with a guy who has "Cheeto hands?"

Again, who doesn't love that....uhh....right? ;) lol

Well, there's this youtuber channel called
break that I had never heard of (and will probably never hear of again after this post...because...I'm lazy ;) ) who put out their Top Ten List of Best Pranks. Check'um out if you haven't already!! :)

While I will admit, some of them suckith majoris, the "Sexy Saxophone Man" and the "Wedding Proposal" pranks are pretty killer...oh and the last one is just VIDEO GOOOOOLD...you've got to stick around and watch it...for sooth!!

--Chet

Retro-riffically Skyrim

2011-12-12T00:54:00.001-06:00

I gotta admit to Sunshiner blogistas, I have no freakin' IDEA what's up with this whole Skyrim phenomenon.

Apparently it is NOT a rearly-applied personal lubricant for people who want to get freaknasty on smelly airplanes...but some kind of new-fangly GAME...that...ummm....people play...and not...apes.

Yeaaaah. ;)

But in any case, check out this guy Rubber Ross's 8-bit back to the future trailer take on one of the hottest video games of the year!!

Whatever Daywalker dawgs, I think it looketh snappy!!

--Chet

Superhero Auditions-- College Humor

2011-12-06T01:15:00.001-06:00

I don't know about you Sunshine, but I think they're are WAAAAAAY too many Superhero Flicks out at the Cineplex...ie glass these nights....

And apparently so does College Humor

Watch the marvelous mayhem that insures when they went into a "secret" taping of new superhero flick screen test with some of YESTERDAY'S biggest stars!!

(Okaaaaay, it's not really REAL hidden camera footage...but watch anyway, you'll know it's awesome!! Why?? BECAUSE I SAID SO!! Sheesh. :P )

Power Puff Girls...HA! *snork!!*

And maybe it's just me, but I think the dude from Malcom In The Middle is Funnier In This than he ever was on the show...go...uhhhh....whoever you are!! LOL ;)

--Chet

EgAAAAAAD!! It's Welsh Bigfoot!!

2011-12-05T00:21:00.001-06:00

You think you've got problems Sunshiner dude? Oh NOOOO siiiir! You ain't got no stinkin' problems!! Ask 19-year old Certified Welshman Carl Griffiths!!

Yeah, the Daywalker dude's barely out of high school and he's HUUUUUUGE!!

In this video link my galpal Trish sent me of a TV interview for something calledBancroft TV poor Carl tells us about his life with SIZE 21 FEET!!

Poor Welshman!! He could make a clown personally wet himself (in his own BLLOOOOD) with "carpet boats" like those!! Jeeeesaaas!!

Wellllll...at least he could make some poor chickie foot fetishista very, VERY happy...foot fetishers like Trish.

Poor, poor SICK lil'Trish!! :P

Merry Christmas!

--Chet

Goin' Gangstah...JEDI STYLE!!

2011-12-01T19:13:00.001-06:00

I really think i'm starting to dig this Youtube channel of Mr.
Shay Carl

Check their rather very well-done gigglicious take on the ORIGINAL Red-State/Blue State divide...a'la Crips and Bloods...only with lightsabers!!

Peruse!

Okay, that Copper is WAAAAY too short!! LOL

--Chet

"Jewish And You Know It" --Parody Video

2011-11-30T01:10:00.002-06:00

Nah, thiss generally doesn't fit into the overall "theme" of my blog, but hey Trish sent me this and Hanukkah is coming up...

Check out this pretty halfway decently...AWESOME parody of LMFAO's latest hit with a more Israeli flair!

Bizarre huh? Still not getting the deal with the cardboard box robot...but it's well done!

--Chet

Achmed The Dead Terrorist vs Achmed Jr-- Jeff Dunham

2011-11-29T01:20:00.001-06:00

Yeah, so you dig weird Puppeteer Jeff Dunham like I do?

Okay, I don't exactly roll out with him QUITE as enthusiastically as my nocturnal pal Remmy who sent me this link, but his creepy puppets are rather creative, and often cutely funny. (Wish he'd have more unique voices for his individual puppet peeps though.)

But check out this segment where classic "Achmed The Dead Terrorist" meets his long-lost son... Achmed Jr!!

Puppets are weeeeeeeeeird man! lol :P

--Chet

When Santa's Reindeer Get "Frisky"

2011-11-28T00:17:00.002-06:00

Reindeer are like a box'a'Choc-LATes...you never know what you're gonna get.... ANNND they taste DEEEEEElicious! :)

But seriously you often hear many a silly prankster-wankster making little sly implied jokes about old St. Nick's secret extracurricular actividads, but you NEVER hear about what his Reindeer like huh?

Well I have the answer for you...RIGHT HERE. Screw the milk'n'cookies...they like Hot chicks...just like you!!

Kinda a metaphor for the commercialization whole Christmas season, wouldn't you say? ;) lol

--Chet

Yaay!! It's Thanksgiving!! (Well Almost! )

2011-11-23T00:09:00.001-06:00

Choose your pleasure from this post, answer, accept, do all, some, (or Gawdforbid NONE :P ) of the following:

1. What's a Thanksgiving tradition over at your casa that you think is unusual or unique? Why do you and yours do it, or do you know how it began?

2. What's your favorite Thanksgiving meal item and why?

Caption: Yup, This one is mine!!

3. Describe the underwear you're wearing right now.

4. Try to guess the underwear that I'M wearing right now. B)

5. What is something you're thankful for?

6. If you could ask ME any question right now, what would it be? (OTHER than "What kind of underwear are you wearing?" )

7. What is best Thanksgiving Holiday memory?

Caption: Eating Chinese food on Turkey Day...just like our forefathers did!! (Yup, those are supposed to be Chinese characters on the white boxy thingies, and YES I KNOW they look more like Klingon or something, but I'm a Scottish-Texan Vampire who can't really write in Chinese, so sue me!!

Have A Truly Scrumptralescent Thanksgiving People!! :)

(And NO HOGGING of the Reddi-Whip!! ) :D

--Chet

Holiday Traditions-- Jim Gaffigan

2011-11-22T01:14:00.001-06:00

Seeing it's getting close to that delightfully INSANE time of year we all know and (hate to) love known as "The Holidays" how about some laughs?

Take this, one of my favorite comedians Jim Gaffigan waxing philosphically funny about some of our adored holiday traditions this time of the year and more!

What?? I LIKE Fruit Cake!! (But that joke is still funny as hell!! :) )

--Chet

"The People Of Walmart" --MUSIC VIDEO

2011-11-21T00:31:00.001-06:00

You like shopping at Wallyworld's AKA Walmart?

Don't lie!! I've seen you there in the wee-WEE hours of the mornin' at one of them new-fangledy 24-hour ones picking your butt in the dairy aisle

(Oh wait...or was that a monkey?? Ehhh whatever! lol ;) )

Actually, I don't hardly ever shop there, but maybe I have to start, if for no other reason for the "lovely" people-watching opportunities!! (As you know, we "Nocturnal Preferential" types LOOOVE to peoplewatch!! :) )

Check out this music video clip by Youtuber personality
Jessica Frech on the strangely wonderful world of Walmart shoppers.

Just make sure you're not EATING while you're watching. Yeaaah....trust me!

--Chet

Old Time Hockey...Season!

2011-11-16T01:52:00.006-06:00

This may not come as a HUGE surprise to a lot of you, but I'm not really a big-time fan of Fall.

Whaaaaat?? A Nocturnal dude who lives DEEP within HOT Southeast Texas NOT being into Autumn?? Zounds!! How could you?!?! :P

But yeah folks, seriously, "Deceased Leaves'n'Crap On The Ground Season" isn't the purdiest around here. We don't really get all those nice colors, and the temp is like God is have a good old time jacking with the thermostat of the Texas universe.

( "To start off the day... 48 degress!! Yes!! Then...ummm...midway through, I thinnnnnk I like 79!! Then MAAAAAAYBE by 2:30 PM we'll go up to 80...ish... then lickidy split down to 62 at din-dins, then back up to 74 for about an hour ust before sundown, then, for the GRAND FINALE' overnight we'll go WAAAAY down to 37!! YESSS, BRIILLL...LIANT!! :D " )

It's the start of one of my most FAAAAAVORITE sports!! The last "real" sport that is both EXTREMELY manly and also not totally culturally taken over by....umm....how do I say this? Hmm...."Ghetto-chic'? " Yeah, that'll work! B)

In other words, I'm referring to HOCKEY!!

Yeah, at first glance it may seem like a it would be a "wussy" sport, considering it is played on the same surface where men and women figure skate in glitter and sequins ;)

...and you spend your time chasing around a tiny "device" that looks like a piece of cowshit....

but THEN, think about it...

What OTHER sport allows you to wear almost the same pads as your average football player, gloves that look like medieval knight's gauntlets, a helmet like the dudes in Delta Force wear and razor-sharp-blades on the bottom of your shoes, ALL AT THE SAME TIME?

What other sport has a piece of equipment that looks eerily like a wooden homage to the Grim Reaper's scythe?

What other sport frequently refers to its hottest scorers as "Snipers?"

Is there any other sport that has a piece of mundane "field maintenance" equipment so righteously (or suggestively ;) lol ) named as "The Zamboni?" (AND even a song praising it? lol )

(Oh you KNOW you wanna drive the Zamboni!! ;) )

Name me any other "Team" sport where not ONLY do fights occur frequently, they're ENCOURAGED!!

Does any other game have a current or former star player named Satan?"

(Actually, his full name is Miroslav Satan pronounced SHAH-tan, YESS that's his born name, but whatever, that's still the most awesome name on a jersey....EVVVEEEER!! B) :) )

Name me another pastime where there is an employed Bar-Bouncer-On-Ice-Skates who's SOLE duty is to locate either his opposing team's star scorer OR THEIR Bar-Bouncer-On-Ice-Skates...and kick their asses!! ( "The Team Enforcer")

And FINALLY...what other game has a flick as awesome to represent it as totally cult-movie fantastique as Slapshot

I can't truly say that I've "put on the foil" on Fall yet until I watch me some
Charlestown Chiefs

which I just did.

Oh yeah, and I almost forgot, they still occasionally have Hockey Sweaters...and I totally look smashing in a sweater! LOL :P

Don't get me wrong though, football is fun too! (Hook'um HORNS!!)

But I've gotta get my hockey too....I've gotta get my
Hanson Brothers

Yessir Sunshiners!

Autumn may now commence...I have spoken! Old Time Hockey Baby!! :) [/size]

Happy Wednesday Blogsters

--Chet

Interactive Dodgeball- Shay Carl

2011-11-15T01:11:00.001-06:00

Dodgeball. Who doesn't have fond memories of it as a kid in gym class?

(The bruises, the saucy schoolboy taunts...the bouts with jock itch... :P )

Well NOW you can experience all the thrills of a Middle School Bully's favorite pastime without all the smells.

Thanks to the Youtube miracle that is ShayCarl

Watch...and PLAY!!

I am SOO gonna tattoo someone's FACE with the pattern of a big red ball...it's ONNNN!! :)

--Chet

Awful Jurrasic Park Realizations- College Humor

2011-11-14T00:48:00.001-06:00

Who doesn't dig Jurassic Park?

I always prefer to start my week off with a little humor if I can...

And what a better way to do it than a little yucks and laughs from the folks over at
College Humor.com

Check out what would it be like if ALL the "charming" characters from that movie had their say!

Hey, you know what? I think it's the same dude who played Gennaro in the movie. Hmm...how about you?

Cool Beans!!

--Chet

I Ate All My Kid's Halloween Candy- Jimmy Kimmel

2011-11-08T00:40:00.001-06:00

Reason #622,00 WHY it's still totally awesome to live in America?? Jimmy Kimmel!

If you haven't seen it already, watch the DEEEEElightful ensuing chaos when parents take the challenge to tell their beloved lil'urchins "I Ate All Of Your Halloween Candy!"

Enjoy!

Okay, that last clip with the two brothers looks so staged to the max...but it's all still pretty cute huh? ;)

--Chet

Media Reaction To Conan O'Brien's Same-Sex Marriage Extravaganza

2011-11-07T01:27:00.002-06:00

You like Conan O'Brien do you? Shooooot, who doesn't?

(I'll pretend I didn't hear that, even though you're, like, virtually only a few feet from me and I can hear the slightest peep from a...uhhh....PEEP-mouse yards away! :P )

But yeah, it seems Team Coco is down for the struggle for Gay Rights, and it's kinda funny...check it out!

Wouldn't "Pushing The Envelope" so much eventually give you a papercut? And more specifically...WHERE? :P ;) lol

--Chet

Razorblade Smile Reviews: John Carpenter's Vampires

2011-11-03T18:30:00.001-05:00

Well this week, how about I return to my movie-reviewing roots. And being a Vampire, maybe start with...

John Carpenter's Vampires

Info:

Director-
John Carpenter

Writer-
John Steakley--Novel
Don Jakoby -Screenplay

Starring--
James Woods
Sheryl Lee
Daniel Baldwin

Year: 1998

Company: Columbia Pictures

The Basic Scoop, The Poop, The Lowdown:

The Catholic Church is in a serious pickle. (Of a different sort for a change.;) ) Guess what? THEY LIED!! (Big shocker! :P ) Not ONLY have they always known that Vampires like Yours Truly truly exist, but they're worried about us getting our hands on a holy relic that would allow us Vampies to roam the Earth 24/7/365 and 1/4 (gotta count for the Leap Year! ) They've deployed their "official" Vampire slayer Jack Crow (Woods) and his crack (as in the pipe ;) ) team of hunters to exterminate all Vampires in their path, and recover said relic.

What's Pretty Good:

It's Carpenter. It's late 90's Hollywood, Neck-deep (huh-huh-huh. punny-pun-pun! ;) ) in the midst of the second "Horror Renaissance" after the 70's-80's orgy of wonderful frightener flicks. It's solid actor James Woods (though usually with his "vibe" you'd THINK he'd be one of the Fangy-Brigade.)

Vampires has slick production values for the most part. Great action sequences, some memorable horrific special effects, a kickass soundtrack, and awesome cinematography/setting that give the whole flick a kind of Vampie-Western sort of feel. There are some great "rebellious" snarky lines (mostly delivered by Woods' Jack Crow) and the ultimate antagonist of the film Valek is the sortof badass that you'd expect a modern Vampire flick to have in it.

What Kinda Sorta Really, Really Sucks:

That it's a 90's big-budget horror flick! ;) What I mean to say is, it has all the touchstones of that era of action and horror. It's fast it's furious, it's smartassed. Which is in itself totally fine. BUT, what goes along with that is an overall plot that is ultimately really, REALLY thin and inevitably predictable. The first time I saw this way back when, I think I had figured out pretty much everything that would happen for the last half of the movie at around 30-40 minutes in,

While the special effects do look "cool" they're really not all that surprising or necessarily innovative. And while Valek is, as I said, a Badass, that doesn't have to mean that he's more than a 1-dimensional one. Jack Crow's backstory? Yeaaah...uhhhh....isn't that basically the same thing as Blade??

Actually, come to think of it, this movie is KINDA "Blade-Meets-Dusk-Til-Dawn-With-James-Woods-Thrown-In" and John Carpenter's name on it. And both those films were better and more creative.

Whoa! I think I just nailed it! ;)

Overall Grade: B

For those who like Horror, Vampires, Action, and seeing John Carpenter's name randomly tattoed on stuff, this is a decently awesome movie. But it also must be said that there have been better movies before and since Vsmpires to really take the genre to new levels, and Vampie villains that were far more creepy and intimidating.

(READ: If the clan from this movie ever met the bloodsuckers from 30 Days Of Night and had to fight to the death, put me down for a 50-spot on the 30Nighters to take Valek's Posse in less than a minute...Boosh! :P )

The final word, Vampires is a solid, one-shot-watch Summer-style Vampie popcorn actioner. Just don't expect anything deeply profound, eye-popping, or classically original in it. Enjoy it for what it is, on its own terms.

--Chet

Batman "Coercively Interogates" The WRONG Clown...

2011-11-02T01:15:00.000-05:00

Just for the record, One thing I love, Batman, one thing I can't stand...Clowns.

Yet, when you put the two together, you get something that is surprisingly awesome and chuckle-worthy. Bless ye College Humor!

Personally, beatin' on a Clown? NEVER a mistake! Didn't think you'd something so righteously awesome this week now didjah? ;) You're Welcome!

Now, Sunshiner slave...RUB MY FEET! LOL ;)

--Chet

"This Is Halloween" Light Show Extravaganza

2011-11-01T00:48:00.001-05:00

Who DOESN'T adore it when peoples go buck-arse crazy with their outdoor light decorations? But how about on Halloween?

Then, why not combine it with one of THE most awesome movies ever made, A.K.A. a classic musical number from The Nightmare Before Christmas?

I tell you truly Daywalker folk, Youtuber KJ92308 you is an awesome man...for a walking bloodbank (LOL j/k ;) )

Check it out!

Now that is MY kind of light-decorating asshole! ;)

--Chet

A Vampire Halloween-- 2011

2011-10-31T18:45:00.003-05:00

Not surprisingly, one of the recurring questions I tend to get this time of year about Vampires is: How do you guys feel about Halloween?

Well Heeeell Sunshine, Feel? I dunno, warm and scaley? Sticky like Peanut Brittle, soft'n'fluffy like a goose-down featherbed?

I guess that would all depend on how lowdown there your hand goes while you're doing all that feeling, doncha think? ;) lol

But in truth, my answer is actually pretty basic...and it's actually a question (Youknow, because I LOOOVE to be all difficult and answer questions with questions :P ) but seriously...How do YOU feel about Halloween?

Because, My Daywalker friends and neighbors, chances are, however you feel about this most dark'n'spooky holiday of the year, there's a great chance that some Vampire out there feels EXACTLY the same way.

It's just a night folks.

Really!

. A cool, candy-scarfing-sexy-costume-party-going-and-egging-and-T'Ping-other-people's-domiciles kind of night, but a night like any other.

As I've said before, Vampires are just humans...only with big sharp pointy teeth (oh, and that whole small matter about superpowers and our penchant for playing our steroes SUPER loud at like 4:30 in the morning on a Sunday, but let's not go there! lol )

We tend to have a lot in common with you fragile glass sunlit guys. So if you really dig Halloween, what makes you think we would feel any different?

Oh surrre...of course there are some of us that don't exactly get into the spooky spirit of the season, I guess because they feel like they live it everynight. Remmy has never been one to get all buckwild crazy about going out on All Hallow's Eve, despite the fact of all of us HE is the one who would probably most benefit from being able to go out in costume and roam among the Normies freely for a change.

I will tell you this though, it honestly IS easier to go out on the 31st of Octubre without folks asking too many questions. And people always think you have the BESSSST "costume" ever. No matter what you're "wearing" or not.

Hell, I could go out stark-ass naked, and you Sunshiney people will think I'm going as a "Streaker Vampire" or as a "Reporter Vampire" or a "Gamer Vampire" a "Mail Carrier Vampire" or even a "McDonald's Counterworker Vampire."

Uhhhh....yeaaaaaah....whatever! lol

Lazy Vampires (like me ;) ) have it so damn easy on Halloween!

'Course, it never stops those who really want to from being whoever they want to be. Trish (shocking, I know) almost always put an elephant's-balls'-sized workload into putting together her own costume...starts almost two months ahead of time with her planning...even if she's not planning on really doing anything major that night. (Loser? Okay, just remember that YOOOU said that, I was mum, so the razortooth pixie knows who to stalk and kill for their sarcasm! :P )

Why OFCOOOOURSE she's dressed as a Pixie before (an electric BLUE-haired pixie, but nonetheless )

And a nurse. And a Piratess. A stick of Butter (with her then boyfriend as a slice of bread. A Mad Scientist..ess. (Which is basically just herself...yeaaah.)

Oh and as Quatto from Total Recall.

Either that, or she just had a really big blackhead on her stomach...I can't remember. ;)

My buddy Antoine tends to always do the coolest decorating get up. One year he even did a "Voodoo Themed" haunted house getup...it was the bombiest baby!

Stinky Linda is along the same lines as Remmy...not so super hot on Halloween. Methinks maybe she got "Punked" WAAAY too many times by my little "proto-Hellion" ancestors back in the 1920's or something. So she hides indoor, and her beau Claude has to spend his night elsewhere.

Me?? I have to say when I mere weakling sunlit sir like the rest of you folk, I was quite the little Devil. My big bro Doogie and I used to go all Pranktacular every Halloween night.

I may not be African-American, but let's just say, I'm a master rapper....with Toilet Paper!!

I was once a .700 batting average at "Mailbox Baseball" and the worst Egg Guerilla terrorist in the greater Austin area!! LOL

But now...I dunno....maybe I AM starting to feel as old as I actually am (rather than how I look ;) ) about some things.

This year, I think I'm gonna get me as many cheesy classic monster flicks and olf Adams Family re-runs as I can get my grimey little paws on and just kick back at my pad with as much commandeered candy as I could rush out the local Stop'N'Rob with.

Piggin' out on the Candy has become the REAL draw of All Hallow's Eve. Hey, whatddya expect? So what I'm a Vampire, that doesn't me I always HAVE to be totally obsessed with the holiday.

Besides, I already did all my holy hell-raising YEARS ago! :P

Hmmm...maybe I'll see if I can lasso up Remmy and Stink Linda up and see if Alamo Drafthouse is doing anything scaretacular tonight.....sounds like it could be a plan.

Even if it isn't as scary as you thought! ;)

Vampires are people too...and if there's one thing that all people love...it's having fun.

Oh, and individually wrapped "fun-sized" (or even TRISH-sized":P ) Chocolate candies!! ;)

Happy Halloween!!

(AND SAVE ME SOME PEANUT BUTTER CUPS OR I WILL BITE YOU!! ;) lol j/k! )

--Chet

Halloween Costumes That Could Use A Modern Makeover

2011-10-26T18:04:00.000-05:00

Halloween's almost here blogsters, do you have any plans? (Well...DO YOU?? Oh yesss, I am so puttin' you on the spot!! lol ) Got your cool costume all picked out?

Well whether you do, or you don't...I'm sure that there are certain styles that either some of you or some of your foxy female friends will be sportin' to the local Spookyville. Oh suuuure, indeed there are some saucy age-old classics, but let's be honest folks, if even us dudes can guess what's coming out of your closet on All Hallow's, maybe it's time to switch it up a little.

Just throwing a few quckie...IDEAS out there on how to possiblly take a few old "favorites" in a different direction. Give'um a gander, will you?

Cliched Classic: The "Naughty Nurse"

*blows Kazoo for pitch*

"I heard that you were feelin' ill...fevers, aches, and a chill!! I was the one sent to your door to restore your PLUCK, because I'm the naughty nurse who likes to- * DOOR SLAM* "

LOL Gotta save that Ferris, dagnabit!

(ASIDE: Am I the only one who thought Jennifer Gray was cuter BEFORE her nose job? )

We all definitely know the schtick of this schtooping routine. Tight-fitting skimpy crisply pristine white outfit. A Vajajay teasing short skirt. High-heels like ice picks, and a dorky hat that looks like a Chinese takeout box on top of her head. As soon as you see a busty little looker in this get up, you KNOW that she's not there to take someone's temperature...but to make things RISE, and that Monsieur Patient probably has a curious illness that somehow ONLY gives a torrid fever to his throbbing hard cock.

Sure it can be hot...but really, has ANYONE seen a REAL nurse wear anything CLOSE to that outside a cheesy porno or someone imitating a cheesy porno in say, the last 20 years? Probably not. I'm of course not saying you should sell your hot Hippocratic threads to the thrift store just yet, but maybe, as a change of pace...

I Suggest Instead: "The Philanderin' Physical Therapist"

Yeah, yeah, I hear you, not the obvious choice for a swapout...at first glance. BUT, as a pertinent point of fact let me tell you, I've honestly never met a butt-ugly physical therapist. Okay, MAAAAYBE one chick who wasn't a 10 in the facial department, but she was still at least a 7 above the neck, and her and every other PT I've met had a tight, trim saucy body.

Oh yeah, and they were all FLEXIBLE.

I've known tons of guys who've had to go to rehab (the injury one! ) and ended up with a crush on their cute, smart, and capable PT.

I think it's time these unsung SEXY heroines of the medical professional world get the aroused kudos they deserve! Imagine the possibilities ladies if you dressed up as one. Look professional, realistic, yet you can still showoff plenty of cleavage, demonstrate how far you can spread your legs, ANNND bring "props." ( The Swedish Exercise Ball is the new Liberator..Huzzah!! LOL

The Farmiliar Classic: "Devil Chick"

Yeah yeah, the fav since time immemorial: pointy plush red horns, plastic pitch fork, fishnet stockings, and a pointy tail. Sexy yes, but been *yawwwn* there, done that. Think you've got the moxie to make an even MORE "bad girl" statement? Don't REALLY believe in The Devil? Then...

How about: "The Amorous Agnostic"

Picture this if you will. Geeky Glasses. A Lab Coat, Form-fitting Dress, short, short skirt and shoes with a big black Riddler-esque giant Question Mark in the middle of your chest...only ALL of your said clothing save the Question Mark is in sheer, see-through clear material or plastic.

At-AAAT!! Noooo pouting!! Just hear me out. You're dressed in the "accouterment" of a lab geek babe to show the Agnog's loving devotion to Reason and Science, YET your clothes COULD be really there, or maybe they're not...you're always wide "open" to the questions and the...uhh...answers...of all comers.

I think it's an idea waiting to pop, in oh-so many ways!!

Cliched Classic: "Catwoman"

This has been a staple for chick costumes at least since '92. Hot yes, but we get it already. Meow, whip, whip. If it didn't translate into to box-office gold for Halle Berry...then...wellll I think you get the idea. If you must strap on the fetishoulicious catsuit than at least go "Phieffer Cat" or maybe even "Newmar" (Damn those ladies have legs! )

But for something...uhh...different, how about a better idea...

Suggestion: "Kommando Kitten" or "The Fiery Femme"

Wanna go as a REAL female superhero, or as a kind of "salute" to them? If you've got the body for it (and if you were thinking Catwoman originally, then you better! lol ) go dressed as one of our fighting women in service. Do you ladies have any IDEA how HOT dudes think it is to see a chick go all "military?" Pretty blue eyes in a "mask" of camo paint? A lass who can effectively let lose with an M-16? Legs for cargo shorts and combat boots? Even the most wimpy guy could get a "woodie" over a woman who can MAKE HIM "drop and give her 20! "

As a brief nod to the "costume cliches" for the dudes, how often have we all seen some buffneck beefcake shirtless firefighter dude in big rubber boots and red suspenders over his perfectly swarthy pecs and rock hard abs that are all chiseled and dripping down slowly with water or sweat, his PERFECT godlike adonis upper body just a-GLISTENING in the sunlight like a picture of heav--

Ummm...err....yeaah....uhhhhhhhhh..............you get the idea! (lol j/k)

How often do we get to see the reverse? PSSST!! Little secret here: us hetero dudes would just as much dig to see say, a well-built VERY naturally busty athletic redhead firefighter in her fire gear with cute freckles on her face, a ponytail, and topless with those red suspenders just BARELY covering her nipples and those large areolas.

If a woman showed up looking like THAT at my Halloween party, I think I'd be the one busting out the hose and "watering her down" at high pressure. Just a thought.

Classic: "Hooters Honey"

Without doubt ladies if you've dated around you've been with or maybe even MARRIED (or even given birth to ) a young gentleman who digs going to Hooters. Why?? Duuuh!! Everybody knows it ain't for the hot wings and buffalo sauce!! It's for their world-famous "Strippers/Porn Stars in Training!" (Though, I mean that in the kindest possible way, I promise. )

Of course almost all of us, openly or secretly, give "homage" to a lass who can pull off the bright hazzard cone orange 80's cut gym shorts look...but how many women does this REALLY apply to? Have you ever seen a babe who tries to wear this "ensemble" and can't quite pull it off? (There at the Halloween party or in her bedroom back at home, 'cuz it's 3 sizes too small? ) And even if you look SMASHING in your old Hooters kit, who wants to wear a work uniform from days of yore? You don't see ME slipping on my old blue and bright mustard yellow Blockbuster's polos or trying to squeeze into my 30 inch waist work khakis do you?? Let's try...

I Recommend Instead: "The Sonic Seductress"

I've got a bit of the "Redneck" in me...I can't lie, and one such institution in Texas and throughout the southwest that inspires restaurant reverence for many is Sonic Drive-in. They have great early morning before college classes fountain drinks, you probably won't end up with brown chocolate dysentery after eating one of their foot-long coney dogs (unlike James Coney Island's ) and their Oreo Blast is an excellent substitute when you don't have time to DQ it up for an Oreo Blizzard. All this is true (in my opinion )

But now in their new advertising they're bringing back the concept of the "Sonic Girl."

Of course not every chick who works at Sonic is hot. (Have you seen some of the "second stringers" at Hooters? Eww ) some don't even do the whole get up..BUT those that do, and the idea of it, get many a man taut in his trousers. Girl-Next-Store pretty chicks with ponytails peakabooing out of the slit in the back of their baseball caps, fit agile bodies in tight pants and tees, serving man food ON ROLLER SKATES!!

I don't know about the rest of you, but seeing a chick who's cute ANND can roller skate engorges me...a lot!

Think about it womenfolks, you can dust off your old two-by-two rollers, show off some moves,and wear knee-high socks!

And finally...

Perennial Classic: "The Chasteless Cheerleader"

Ever since we all saw that "Oh Miccckkkkey you're so fine, you're so fine you BLOW my mind..." MTV video we know dudes dig the mysterious erotic allure of pigtails, pom-poms and leg spreading underoo and little kitty-flap-exposing jumps into the air, but the simple fact remains, at least one other chick is going to showup at your Halloween party in a cheerleader outfit...what if hers is better than yours?? Who's gonna remember the second squad girl?? Instead...

I Suggest: "The Dirty Drillteamer"

At my high school us dudes KNEW which group of girls were the REAL vixen sexpot chickadees...THE DRILLTEAMERS!! Not only were they curvy-ER and bustier in general, but they had the best practice outfits...a nylon black or spandex full bodystocking kind of thing. And pretty much nothing else.

They were artistic, flexible, scantly dressed right in the middle of a school assembly, were just as flexible as the cheerleaders, had less attitude, had bigger boobs... and they actually PUT OUT but I digress...

Bottomline, if you're more a voluptuous type, you might get better results going as a drillteamer. (Heck, even their NAME sounds naughty! lol )

I think my work is done here. How about you?

What Halloween Costume(s) have you gotten a little tired of seeing?

Do you have a Halloween costume for this year? If so what is it? (or is it a Surprise? )

And lastly, what is your all-time favorite costume that you've worn?

Happy Halloween Daywalkin' Blogsters!!

--Chet

Birthdays and Bathrobes-- Jim Gaffigan

2011-10-25T01:15:00.001-05:00

Youknowhwat Daywalkers, for once, I don't care what you guys (and gals, and...uhh...ITS) want, I wanna laugh!! And who better to deliver such delightful gaffah to my grinning razor face than a comedian like
Jim Gaffigan

A clip from one of his earlier specials, "Birthdays and Bathrobes." Enjoy!

Remmy's the freakin' KING of indoor jacket towels... LOL :)

--Chet

GEEKTACULAR: Quantum Levitation

2011-10-24T00:53:00.002-05:00

Hi-ho Sunshiners! Feelin' already like you could use a little "lift?" Then, how about Quantum Levitation?

No idea what the Hell that is? (Tired of an endless barrage of annoying questions? :P )

Fear not, you don't have to worry about either.My Vampie galpal Trish sent the link over, let her geeky self try and understand it...and you and I ( and Bjors :P ) have to do is sit and watch....CHECK IT OUT!!

Not bad for a frozen super-conducting...ummm...puck of...whatever huh?? ;)

You KNOOOW you want one! :)

--Chet

Things You'll NEVER Hear Trick'erTreating (But It'd Be Cooler If You Diiiid)

2011-10-19T00:09:00.000-05:00

guess this technically qualifies as....

10. "Come back when you're dressed up as the Chinese delivery guy I called TWOOO HOURS ago!!"

9. "Umm Sweetheart, I don't think that's a roll of pennies..."

8. "You look NOTHING like your ad Sir, I hope you're HUGE!!"

7. "Are you the mini Coke Mules I ordered??"

6. Here's some candy for yooooou...and some for yoooou...and...here's something for your Mommie... *ZIIIIIIIIPPP *

5. Pssst, Hey kids, do you like Money? Yeah?? How about I give youeach a ten-spot if y'all go on over there right now and take a BIIIG crap on the guy's front porch next store!!"

4. "Oh woooow, from you, I will DEFINITLY take the TRICK...."

3. "Stick'Um Up!! Hand over the Reese's Peanut Buttah cups and 3 Musketeers bars outta your bags NOOW and nobody gets hurt!!"

2. "What are you supposed to be kid...A Zit??"

1. "Where's the Candy?? Where's The f*&kin' Candy?? WELLLL, here's a hint: I just HID IT UP MY ASS!! now, GET THE F&^% OUTTA HERE! " *Slaaam*

Whatever, I thought they were funny!! :P

(And yeeess, I did come up with them...this ins't some lazy e-mail forward thingie I plastered in and called a blogpost...I'll probably do that next week ;) lol )

I'll tell you, I've had some interesting things happen to Yours Truly on Halloween Night, it really is true that you'll never know who will open the door when you go a'knockng...

Don't even get me started on my ex-pizza boy cousin's horror delivery stories.... :P :D lol

Oh, and let me note for the record: tres Musketeers and P-Cups (the DARK chocolate) Reese's are the best!!

But what about you??

What's your favorite Halloween Candy??

What's the most bizarre thing you've ever seen either opening your door to someone else, or them answering the door when you came to call?

Happy Hump Day, Blogsters!!

-- Chet

Facebook Photographer Reveals His Secrets...HA!

2011-10-18T01:07:00.001-05:00

Yup anybody who has ever been on Facebook has seen them...those crappy closeup pics of chicks making that infamous "Duck Face" blank-eyed dudes flexing, etc.

Did you know that you can get such "crappy awesome" pics professionally done??

Who knew?

In a clip by bsdragron37 a true "Facebook Photographer" gives you the inside tricks of his trade. Watch and enjoy you happy Daywalking yokels! :)

Seriously if I see another babe making a
Duck Face
or a pasty white guy trying to look all "prison hard" in his mommy's basement, I think I might scream.

And that's not hot. :P

--Chet

I Am Not A Racist (Short Funny Video! )

2011-10-17T00:33:00.002-05:00

Have you ever wondered if you're a Racist?

I mean who hasn't right? It's one of the most pressing thoughts on a person's mind. Ranks right up there everyday with what to eat for breakfast and exactly how LONG after you've dropped your last loaf should you wait before it's "safe" to get up off the pot and wipe?

(12 seconds, or if you've been eating Indian Curry, a minute 45 seconds, you're welcome, always glad to help out! :) lol )

A short film made by
rsickler attempts to address this philosophical conundrum....watch and learn, Sunshiners!!

(I don't think that was REALLY "Racist" but the thing the dude does with the bag is pretty ha-ha worthy ;) )

--Chet

Medieval People Were Getting "Medieval" On Zombies Too

2011-10-12T18:54:00.004-05:00

Ya'think YOU'VE got a big Zombie Problem in this Night and age of the 21st Century, WEEEEELL Sunshiners, you haven't seen ANYTHING yet!

That is, if a few egghead science nerds have anything to say about it!

Check this out...

Zombies May Have Been A Concern In The Middle Ages, according to Archaeologists

How do they KNOW it was in their mouths because of Zombies and/or Vampires? Maybe they just wanted those poor bastards to finally shut up, or to quit eating out the ENTIRE village like a big fat hoss?? ;)

I don't know, I think I'd be more worried about the Zombies in our own time, I mean, how come no one's ever gone after THIS guy??

I rest my case! :)

--Chet

Kid Sees Empire Strikes Back "Shocker" For The First Time

2011-10-11T00:18:00.002-05:00

Hey my lovely Sunshiner pets, do y'all remember what (or who) you were doing the first time you saw
The Empire Strikes Back?

Personally, I don't have a clue...what you, nor I, were doing when it happened. But if you MUST know what I was doing, you could try asking your mother...particularly if you, like me, have too much bushy red Scotsman's hair on your chest and legs...and you're a young woman...

(Sorry Kid...uhh...girl.. my bad!! ;) LOL )

But in all UNseriousness, let us away to a time, back in time when a child, perhaps like this 4 year old toddler-version of John Mayer first had their innocence stolen, that moment that defines life itself...

When Luke Skywalker learns that badass evil dude Darth Vader IS his..... fad-DEEER!

Pow!

Yeah, I know it is probably staged and faked, and even if it wasn't, I'm sure that both I, and youtuber
Bash The Monkey have robbed you of your innocence and ruined your faith in mankind...but you'll live.

That kind of thing, 'tis only a flesh wound.....SHAKE IT OFF!! THROW SOME BASEPATH DIRT ON IT...ATTABOOOY!! ;)

--Chet

Deep Fat Fried Chocolate Chip Waffles..WITH BACON SAUCE!!

2011-10-10T17:33:00.001-05:00

Dude, are you hungry? If you're not (Hungry OR a Dude ;) ) nod along quietly and pretend.

...Because the following awesome video clip that I am about to drop on your Normie visually-inferior lobes from Epic Meal Time will be even more helpfu tol you if you are both of those!

And if by chance you're not, you can just revel in the glow that is this wonderfully delicious freakshow of happiness.

How to make DEEP-FRIED chocolate chip cookie waffles SMOTHERED in a light bacon and Jack Daniels sauce...

I know you're in awe of these bacon-tesminal guys, as am I. But know also that somewhere poor old (and dead) Julia Child is wetting her pants!

(or...hurling.)

--Chet

Vampires Vs Zombies Throwdown Hoedown! DEADLIEST WARRIOR

2011-10-06T12:00:00.000-05:00

Okay we all know where the trends in the Horror genre and in popular culture have gone in the last two decades. First, it was the goofy chick-o-fied romance, and then the later sheer blood-thirsty kick-assiness of my fellow Vampire brethren. Then, the next fad was the fear of everyone from himself to his witty gay brother, to his grandma-daughter that there might soon be a Zombie apocalypse taking over the planet in the near future.

(Hell, even no less than the US Gove'ment's CDC released an official emergency plan on how to deal with a widespread Zombie attack earlier in 2011, I shit thee not!

So what WOULD happen IF the two DEADLIEST "creatures of the night" of contemporary Horror (and *AHEM* real life *AHEM, COUGH* ) met once-and-for-all in a winner-take-all (and-any-other-long-descriptive-set-of-adjective-words-I-can-think-of-with-hyphens-in-them-so-its-okay-to-be-annoying) battle to the death??

Finally a "popular" show on a network designed for 20-something Broheims (kinda...umm...ME ;) ) DARES to find out! (And potentially piss off half the horror-geek fandom audience!)

And like Hell Sunshiners, what kind of Vampire would I be if I didn't take it on??

Deadliest Warrior Season 3 Episode 10: Vampires vs. Zombies

Info:

Featuring-- Richard "Mack" Machowicz -Former Navy SEAL/Military Strategy Advisor
Geoff Desmoulin --Ballistics/Weapons Test Advisor
Armand Dorian -ER Trauma Physician/Medical Advisor
Robert Daley --Combat Engine Designer

Year: 2011 (Series premiered in 2009)

Network: Spike TV

The Basic Scoop, The Poop, The Lowdown:

Now, I'm not going to go too deep into the background of the TV series (seeing as how I've only scoped it out maybe once or twice before now while flipping through the channels looking for the International Sexy Ladies Show (Oh wait, that's on G4) but DW is basically the TV equivalent of those 12pm "deep philosophical discussions" that you and your fratboy brothers would have in that mid-party lull before the next keg is tapped or when your pledge boy "Doofusface" comes back from his beer run, and you're all just trying to think of something "deep" to say to fill the dead air.

"Like, yo dude...have you ever wondered what it would, like, I dunno, like be like IF say a Spartan and a, shiiit, a Celtic warrior with like a bigass claymore..."

"Or a Ninja!"

"Yeaah maaan, F&^k yeah! Or like a Ninja, met in this parallel dimension and had to fight to the death...like, who would win...Do you guys...umm...think?""

No, they don't...think. LOL ;)

Deadliest Warrior is kind of like that...only picture that concept going on for THREE SEASONS of a TV show and that somebody actually put a little more thought and production value (read: anatomical dummies and ballistics gel) into it...without the beer buzz.

Caught up with the concept now? Good. :)

What's Pretty Good:

While yes, this IS Spike(a network known for it's uber-cheesy blatantly "trailer park macho" TV shows and "questionable" male product advertisers that I've made fun of MANY times in the past) the show is actually not as badly done as you might suppose.

The cast, the producers, Baldy (Mack Machowicz lol) or whoever makes the calls over there didn't just go for the comic...err...GRAPHIC NOVEL fanboy exploitation factor of having a Zombie-Vampie death match, they actually try to approach it scientifically.

Again, cue in the anatomical "tackling dummies" (with "real" organs" blood vessels, pressure sensors, and flesh-ripping action!) the use of mathmalogical algorithms etc.

They also go to the trouble of inviting known "horror gurus" such as Steve Niles the "graphic novelist" behind the pre-film, original 30 Days Of Night and Scott Bowen, the penmeister of The Vampire Survival Guide for Team Vampire.

(BTW, you should SOOO peruse my own SCATHING review of The Vampire Survival Guide after you're done with this, if you haven't read it already!)

On Team Zombie, they have Max Brooks the author of World War Z and Matt Mogk founder of the Zombie Research Society

(Whatever that is! ;) j/k!)

In other words, they don't just go all billy-nilly to their dark-hearted imagination's content, they operate the "experiment" under certain rules and criteria, set down of course by these so-called experts.

(Vampires being 6x stronger than a normal/Normie human, Zombies not being very smurt, never tiring working in huge swarms never one-on-one, etc.)

While I do like this idea, I also have a few bones to pick with it...which I will gladly express...wait for it....uhh....right...about....NOW.

(Go, scroll down! HURRY, QUICK!! We're racing each other!! :) )

What Kinda Sorta Really, Really Sucks:

Don't worry, I will try my best to not give anything away about the final dramtic outcome in case you haven't already seen the episode, but I do have to bring up a few quick points, that they may or MAY NOT have addressed/dealt with properly about Vampires in the episode.

(Hell, don't know WHY they didn't axe ME as a REAL expert on the topic to contribute in the first place. I'd be happy to devote some time to edumacate more of you poor Daywalkin' souls on the particulars of our kind. Guess they thought I was just too damn awesome and so famous to return their calls huh? ;) lol)

But seriously, how many times must I 'esssplain this, the vast majority of Vampires DO NOT SLEEP IN COFFINS!!

(Yeah, I know, Trish, but she's a freak!! ;) )

Also, removing the heart, nor staking a Vampire through the heart, and/or also to the ground simultaneous WILL NOT kill a Vampire permanently. (Though it IS a pretty big hit to our whole works and will most likely give you enough time to figure out alll by yoooourseeeelf what WILL keep us down for good while we're out-cold and regeneratating. ( PSSST BIG HINT: Get an axe, genius!! :P )

Oh, and Sunlight will NOT instantly kill a Vampire. No way, no how.

While yes, as I've said before, it DOES effect us, makes us sick, weakens us, and will probably kill us (in the long run) it messes with each Vampire differently, and it takes a LOT of constant exposure to it to do us in. If you're counting on that chucklehead 2 scoops of raisins guy comin' up from behind that building over there and through the clutch for you and turning me into an instant charcoal briquette, dude, you are SOO screwed!!

In addition to blood, I buy his delicious raisin-y manna breakfast goodness. We tight...daaaawg.

Also, probably surprisingly and ironic, while extreme quick blood loss WILL "kill" us, it will not KILL us (follow along with me so far? ;) lol ) Now don't get me wrong, heck yes we do need blood to survive, but ANY injury to the Vampire's body that isn't decapitoralogical...ish in nature will only take us down TEMPORARILY.

Now, we're going to be pretty damn desperate for the sanguine equivalential of a Big Gulp when we DO come to back out of unconsciousness, and if we don't get the red stuff quick like a bunny after having the"main tank" drained, we COULD permanently die (and/or be weaker and easier to finish off, READ: no super powers) but just saying, anytime a Vampire gets a "fatal" hit short of head loss, the regeneration mechanism kicks in automatically, and will still work with whatever traces of "the bug" are left in our bodies. It's in the brain, and the cells, the DNA...ummm.....yeaaah. ;)

A regular blood supply in which to partake is kinda like a power cord, to the main engine, and is necessary. But we do eat "regular food" too. We have "backup" strength stored up as an evolutionary emergency response for just such an occasion just in case the ol' jugular takes a whammo big-time swipe.

Nevermind the fact that no self-respecting Vampire would EVER let ANYTHING get in a clean shot there, least of all a walking corpse. Quite honestly, even IF a Zombie did get in some odd glancing blow in that EXACT spot with their "zombie hand" (W-T-F?) it would heal rather quickly, perhaps even quicker than it would take for all the blood to gush out.

Like I said, Vampires? Yeaaaah VERY hard to kill.

Oh, and one last thing I should point out that the DW team MAY or may not have overlooked, Vampires are not "technically" undead. (Though I don't mind the label much and even use it...it's cool! :) )

We're humans. still-LIVING mutated Humans "tricked out" to be "Nocturnal Preferential" predators. Not a dead body. When you think Vampires, think more in line with X-Men than Frankenstein or a belly-up armadillo. (Poor adorably dead roadkilled bastards!)

My point? Everything YOU can do Sunshine Boy, WE can do...(oh yeah, and do it better! lol. ;) )

We have no problems doing the same dang thing YOU would do if we were stuck in a Zombie Apocalypse. We like shotguns, flamethrowers, big boomers, and heavy walking corpse squishing half-ton horsepower churning vehicles with which to step on the gas and get the hell out of there too, splattering them on the windshield, just like you would do.

Yeah we got one-slash-one-kill claws on all our fingers. But you don't need no stinkin' claws, when you've got store-bought shotguns, rifles ( Thank you Bass Pro Shop! )and a big pickup truck bed full of explosive stuff. The hand picks'll do in a pinch, sure. But you know what else kicks ass in a pinch? Yeah, highly evolved human brains, and Vampire reflexes/speed/strength paired with expert marksmanship and hand-fighting skills.

Just saying. :P

Overall Analysis: B+

I like Zombies. No really I do. I like the whole swarming ewwy-gooey-gross claustrophobic panic scary goodness of their genre. I think George A. Romero is a god amongst men. Hell, I even think Michael Jackson's Thriller is one of the greatest music videos ever made. Them Zombies got sooooooul. ;)

But putting up a bunch-a-rotting dead virus-carrying Normies up against a pack of lifetimes-long Vampire buddies TO THE DEATH is like sending a couple of beer-guzzling weekend paintball "commandos" up against SEAL Team Six.

You WILL be owned...biaches!!

Bow down! :)

*Our Nocturnal Hero struts away as an Outro a certain appropriate hip-hop tune by 90's group Westside Connection*

--Chet

Undocumented Future American Burglar Asks Victim, "Will You Be My Friend?"

2011-10-05T01:30:00.001-05:00

Hey Daywalkers, you wanna hear something bizarrely funny from the files of "Doing the work and awesome stuff Americans won't do?"

Tough! You're getting it anyway! ;)

I'd been meaning to post this link that someone sent me for awhile now, but I just got around to it because...well...I'm Lazy. And awesome. And a Vampire. Oh, and because I'm lazy. ;)

Here, take THAT, and have a good jolly chuckle at someone else's stupidity!!

(Go on...it's okay, I promise! :) )

Undocumented Burglar Steals Woman's Cell Phone, Then Uses It To "Friend" Her On Facebook

Yeah, that's the whole story...but go read it anyway...it's got some funny comments...and who knows? It might put some hair on your chest! lol :)

Taaaadaaah...yeah.

--Chet

Hot Redhead Chick + Scottish Accent= VIDEO GOOOOLD!!

2011-10-04T01:37:00.001-05:00

Don't worry my Sunshiner Daywalker beauties, I KNOW what will make everything totally copasetic gur-RON-teed no matter who, what, or how you're going through...ummm...something...or...uhhh....whatever.

There is NEVER a bad time for....HOT CHICKS WITH SCOTTISH ACCENTS!!

Pow!! Shuddaup and watch already!

Yeaap, I could just about watch that clip everyday...couldn't you?

(say yes or I'll BITE YOU lol ;) )

mpvt yes, yesss. :P I think I could watch this girl reading the back label instructions of an anti-itch genital fungus cream and it would STILL get me hot. Or at least, mildly Duncan Hines...ish. (You know, moist! :D lol )

Oh stop pouting fair readers, you enjoyed it! ;)

--Chet

Cowboyin' It Up...The RC Car Way

2011-10-03T00:54:00.001-05:00

Even though I'm a Vampire, I occasionally have to remind all you happy chuckle-head Daywalkers that I was (and still am) a proud Texan first! With a little cowboy humor.

Check it out folks, a savvy dude decides to make his totally spiffy RC Car the "Lead Steer" of his herd!

Major props to my Facebook/Twitter Sunshiner pal JimmyDvious for hooking me up with the link...you almost rule. LOL ;)

*whistle, whistle* Yaaaaw dodgees YAAAAAW!! *Turbo boost* :)

--Chet

The Addams Family (Retrophilia)

2011-09-29T00:45:00.000-05:00

To close out the week this week, how about we have a lovely little dose of happy nostalgia, and when we're looking back, we're practicing a fun little activity yours truly likes to call...

This time, a sweet and fangy look at a pop-culture phenomenon that MAY have been (allegedly) popular when I was a kid (the first time!) An originally short-lived ABC sitcom that brought the silly and the sinister together in a wonderfully macabre PB and J sandwich of funnings. (Which is of course delicious, particularly when you remember to sprinkle a little macabre on top of it! :P )

A little something we like to all call...

The Addams Family

And while without doubt, the 1991 Film Flick Revival of the franchise was certainly NOT too shabby...

(And how it introduced us to Christina Ricci who would later grow up to be quite fine in a gothy-girl-next-door sort of way)

... but I think with everything that receives a remake, a revival, a refrying or even a re-destroying, you've got to go back to the original, to get a look at how the concept was first conceived.

Personally, I've always had a soft spot for this FIRST series. I was bored (as I often am, occupational hazard of being a Vampire) while waiting to move on to my next section at my moonlightin' inventory scan gunman job when the mildly bright idea to see if the series was available to watch online. Much to my surprise, duh, it was!

Yeaaah, it's so TOTALLY a sitcom to be sure. All the cliches are there; the claustrophobic mock-60's TV sets, the typical traditional family stuff of the era played for quick gentle jab lines, that laugh track that has become almost as famous as the king-pimp-daddy of ALL sound effects, A.K.A. the
Wilhelm Scream But this is not a review (I have to keep reminding myself, and YOU )

...at least, not this time.

So why talk about it? Well, why NOT talk about it? It is my blog after all. ;) It's something that certainly influenced my cultural life, and it's influenced yours too, whether you're old enough to remember this original or not.

AF was one of the first "Family Shows" that played with the conventions of its genre. Sure there have been other shows, namely its contemporary chief alter-network rival
The Munsters but I think the former was a tad better written and made use of its "gallows humor" a little more subtle...ishly than the latter.

I believe surrealist stuff like the Kickass Old Spice Dude ad campaign and
Pee Wee's Playhouse among others, owe a debt to AF for first making the weird and whacked out seem pretty cool.

I think one of the major things that made the show work was each overall "take" that the lead actors chose to give the characters (quite literally ;) ) that made up their ancient Addams clan.

Sure, Raul Julia might have maaaaybe been a more "authentic" Gomez as a bona fide Puerto Rican, and he is/was a solid actor, don't get me wrong, but John Astin as the originator of the role, fleshed him out, and gave him an almost happy-go-lucky blue-blooded naivete (OMG that was FRENCH! * Chet kisses himself * ;) lol ) that made you, the viewer want to hang out with him from week-to-week. (Just not to stand too close and risk getting blown up or something by his moments of whimsy.)

Of course Anjelica Huston is a fantastic actress and certainly made the first film better by her presence, but would anyone not agree that Carolyn Jones made Morticia quite fetching as the not-quite-deadpan wife in the midst of chaos. (I still have no idea how the woman didn't bust up laughing her ass off every time she had to do her "Japanese Music Practice" bits. )

Even Lurch, a character who appeared to be totally dead and stiff (again, literally) still seemed to have a snaky subtle edge to him...watch carefully and you'll see him sneer a little with a kind of "W-T-F" face through a lot of comic situations.

Yeah, I guess the two kids in AF were pretty basic and sitcom stock in their lines, but that's common for TV shows back then, and Uncle Fester is actually more of a dim-wit then I remembered, but everybody does a good job.

Bottom line, if you've never seen this classic TV series, you're missing out. Seriously, you never know what to expect. (That is, if you've never seen it before, or it's been so long that you don't remember, that is! :) )

And besides, who DOESN'T love a house like a museum, a living disembodied hand that popsout of a box and that "snappy" TV Theme song!

Watch Episodes Of The Addams Family On Hulu!

Thank you Addams Family!!

--Chet

What If Movies Were Real?

2011-09-28T01:03:00.001-05:00

Following in the funny footsteps of many videos past...

...The dudes over at Smosh have whipped up another mucho hilarious video extravaganza (notice there aren't three X's in that! :P ) for your ocular funnybone's enjoyment. They ask again....What if movies were real??

Still waiting onHoward The Duck to materialize in el mundo de real! lol :)

-- Chet

The Evolution Of Gamming

2011-09-27T00:09:00.001-05:00

Hey you lovely Daywalking blockheads! You wanna see something really cool?

(No really, it IS cool this time, I swear!! )

Check out this totally RADICAL (yeaaah, I went there! ;) ) new video from a popular
Youtuber the video wizard
MysteryGuitarMan

Is it a bad thing if I'm still stuck between evolutionary level 2 and 3 on this video? ;) lol

--Chet

The Only Way To Watch MMA

2011-09-26T18:56:00.000-05:00

I knooooow it's only the the start of the week and already you feel like whippin' your annoying boss' ass
MMA style.

Don't worry, I've been there and done that too, mere mortal Sunshiner...

(Okay, maybe not TECHNICALLY done that, but I did give a haymaker to a very drunk and demented children's party clown once...while we were both naked...which is more than I can say for you!! :P )

So how about a little video funnies from a little obscure site I like to call
CollegeHumor.com

...and a new fight league that's soon starting up to cater to the even pickier TV connoisseurs of last week, that month before last, and perhaps even tomorrow....aka the "A-B-B"

Seriously, I'd pay to watch that shite in half a second. Only way I'd want to watch that mixed martial arts crap. Huzzah. ;)

--Chet

Because What's Cooler Than Fingerboarding? (Uhh...Yeah :P )

2011-09-20T00:27:00.001-05:00

Okay, you've got me Daywalkers, A LOT of things are probably cooler than Fingerboarding

(Girls, Cheeses, Black chicks with British accents, Vampires, Bacon, uhhh having a LIFE etc ;) )

But, I gotta admit, the following video I have for you is dang cool....

...for fingerboarding lol

Check it out!!

Still wishes the dude did a goofyfoot 1080 Stalefish MCTwist....then I would worship him!! LOL :P :D

--Chet

Ice Cream Cakes and Crazy German Painters--Patton Oswalt

2011-09-19T01:32:00.001-05:00

Yeah yeah, I know, I know that crack comedian Patton Oswalt doesn't exactly qualify in the "Redneck" or "Vampire" quarters of comedy brilliance...

...but Hell Sunshiners, it's funny anyway right? You bet you daylit ass it is!! Check out the asforeskinmentioned Oswalt discusing the wonders of
Carvel Ice Cream Cakes and the sheer madness and mellowness of those who paint "Happy Little Trees" on public televison...

You'll thank me.

(But not before you personally wet yourself laughing and shoot your beverage out yout nose...You're Welcome! :) )

--Chet

How To Sleep Like A Vampire

2011-09-15T01:19:00.001-05:00

Contrary to what many of you Daywalkers believe, most of us Vampires don't sleep in coffins.

Sure, it can be a fabulous "scare" or "intimidation" tactic I suppose, supposing that the supposed person you’re trying to scare the blazing bejesus out of actually KNOWS that you’re a Vampire, and supposes that you actually supposedly want to scare this said person, and also supposes that you like saying supposes over and over again just to be annoying.

Nope, I don’t know where the idea came from. Perhaps from the fact that when many of us Vampires first get "The Bug" we tend to transition rather slowly, sometimes over a few hours to several days and nights, and at times during this process it may make the "inductee" appear as if dead. (But...SIKE...not true, not true at all suckahs!)

Then of course, when they pop out of the coffin with their morningwood in the middle of the night and scratching their nads through their Thundercats jammie shorts wanting to know if Momma made some blueberry buttermilk pancakes for breakfast (which are DEEELICIOUS btw) everybody else runs away screaming from the graveyard like chickens with their heads cut off because he or she just "rose from the dead."

(Though if they were a she, why would SHE have morningwood? Most mysterious...)

Then again, it could also be Dracula.

(Nooooo not that old movie Vampire dude with the flaming black cape and that pimped out widow’s brow, nor the 15th century prince from Waffle-House-a-lackia, or whatever the Hell his kingdom was called….his face looks like a Furby anyway...or...maybe Gonzo The Great!)

No, I mean Dracula

That 1897 novel by that sexy bearded Irishman Bram Stoker

The Irish dramatist turned novelist (and perhaps maybe even nudist, in his spare time, who knows??) first added the plot device so that his antihero Count Dracula MUST sleep in a coffin in order to regeneratate himself from night to night, that way, the all-powerful Drac could be somewhere stationary for long enough and easy enough for even Keanu Reeves...err...I mean JONATHAN HARKER, to find.

So Daywalker kiddos now you know...

And knowing is half the battle...GI JOOOOOOOE!!

LOL!

But seriously, think about it. Would YOU want to spend a shitty-day’s-sleep trying to get your cartoon Zzzzz’s inside a glorified shipping crate or a humidor for decaying human flesh?

I don't THINK SOOO...

I have a Swedish-made Tempurpedic for phucks sake and a saucy modern bachelor style bed frame from Ikea to put it on...

...in hopes that if I sleep on top of something Swedish long enough, something Swedish (with nice big hooties) will come to sleep on top of me.

Of course this isn’t to say that none of us do the whole Gothic culture idiom...thing.

Trish sleeps in a coffin. A sexy jet-black one.

Though, I’m not entirely sure if you’d really consider it a coffin per se, seeing as how it has never been a Cracker Jack box for an aromatically wonderful rotting corpse. It’s custom made from a design that took her nearly 20 years to come up with.

She likes to refer to it as her “Personal Self-Storage Sleep and Panic Box.”

It’s actually a bigger, LONGER "coffin" than your standard size, more than TWICE the length and the GIRTH.

(Much like yours truly Wink-wink! )

And it’s made out of some kind of really sturdy military grade industrial metallic alloy, yet she claims it can float if necessary.

”Made tough enough to withstand any major apocalyptic flood, famine, government scientist regenerated velociraptor or random Yetti attack while you sleep!”

(as opposed to say, your MINOR garden variety apocalyptic floods I guess!)

It's big enough for two Vampies to sleep in together in designer sheet-ed comfort, has built in flat-screen digital TV on the inside lid, it’s bulletproof, it can be locked from the inside airtight, it has its own ventilation, heating, and cooling systems, well concealed miniature cameras so she can see outside while she's inside, an intercom, min-stereo speakers, and an ingenious set of charger docks for her cellphone and IPod.

"Tula, but what about the dual 20 MM machine guns and the built-in Geiger counter?? I swear, you’re turning into a slacker in your old age missy...a slacker!!"

"(Sarcastically slaps her bright green pig-tailed self in the forehead) D'OOOH! I KNEW I'd forget something important, SHIT!!"

I'm seriously surprised that Trish ever comes out of that thing at all.

Don’t even get me started on her electricity costs for her slumber monstrosity, if Trish’s “carbon footprint” were her ass size, she’d make J-Lo cry and pee her panties with panty pissing envy! Luckily for Trisher, she’s been around for centuries and accumulated enough “bread” that she can afford it.

Oh, she’s been trying to get me to let her build one for me…she’s had the schematic for my “Box” next to her favorite welding torch “Charie Burns” for years…tinkering with her plans from time to time, trying to come up with the right combination of goodies and gadgets so I’ll go along with her mad schemes…

"I’ll even do it for the FRIEND’S DISCOUNT PRICE...400 thou...right off the top! Cooomeooon...It'd be fun whaddya say, sir, whaddya say??"

Even assuming I had the kind of bankroll that I could AFFORD such a Vampire executive expensive sleep system, or that it would even fit comfortably in my rat hole of an apartment, somehow I don’t think I’m the type of guy for a coffin shaped metal fortress in the middle of my bedroom.

Then again, there’s always my Birthday...and I’m a very difficult manwhore to buy things for.

Anyhoo, it’s getting very VERY early…. And I gotta strip all the way down and get my ass ready for bed.

Good Morning folks!! I promise not to let the bedbugs bite!

(Unless they’re Swedish and have big hooties!)

Good Morning Comb, Good Morning Brush, Good Morning Old Lady in the Rocking Chair Whispering Hush,

--Chet

Vampires, Romance, Poopie, and Dairy Queen...Oh My

2011-09-14T00:13:00.000-05:00

How about we dip into the Vampire mailbag and tackle some more...

Question: "How Smart Are Vampires?"

Chet Sez: Smurt. Execkstreame LEE smurt! Chaint uwe tehl??

More like smart ASSED but that's a given. I've got to be me, man.

But to answer your question WITH a question, how smart are YOU? Or any of your human friends you know??

It varies right??

Same goes for us Vampires. Your I.Q.

doesn't really change when you get "The Bug" (unfortunately.) You just have longer to live so you have more time to learn more stuff.

Point of fact, Remmy not the highest I.Q. among us...he's about 128 I believe. Trish= 175 Me= 142 and some guy I know named Tice = -18

YESSS IT'S 142! No, really! I SWEAR!!

I'm as surprised by that result as you are. LOL

Question: "Dude, Do You Skate?"

Chet Sez: Sure!

( I skate THROUGH Life, by the Truth, and Reality every damn day! :P )

Actually, despite the fact that I had a large enough COCK to be a "licensed" skateboarder, but I also always had this pesky little annoying thing called a JOB and occasionally a LIFE which prevented me from partaking from such fine pursuits of such pursuity....ness.

NEXT!

Question: "What's The Fastest You've Seen A Vampire Move?"

Chet Sez: Well duh, do I REALLY need to answer that? I mean when do YOU move YOUR fastest? When after having partaken of extremely "questionable" Mexican cuisine, you rush to give a ready "offering" in one of these badboys maybe...

It happens. ;)

Or did you mean what as in, WHAT was the object that was moved? Umm...I did see a Vampire throw a leisure chair through the air like a baseball fastball once...and it would've been even faster than that except he had a fat baby sitting in the chair at the time...

LOL just kidding.

But in all honesty, it's a trick question and one I can't really answer for you the way you might want me to. BECAUSE Sunshiner, when a Vampire is moving their absolute fastest, you CAN'T see them move. It's just too fast. Even for our eyes. And even faster. Than these. Last. Few sentences. I've. Written.

All you can see is the semi-blur, and try to anticipate just exactly WHERE they'll end up so the shaving cream pie lands directly in their face as you intended and NOT on their...umm...I dunno...penis?? :P

Question: "What Does Human Blood Taste Like?"

Chet Sez: Like a day-old copper-plated rubber chicken.

What?? I'm serious!

But you wanna know what the big surprise about that answer is? I learned this fact BEFORE I became Nocturnal.

I mean really, do you need me to answer that one? You're a human (I...think? At least your nude butt chicks in the photo you sent from inside your janitor's closet look hu-) nevermind. point is, this is one you can find out for yourself in just a few easy steps.

Step 1: buy a skateboard, or a goofy looking "trick bicycle." from your local toy store. (Mind the screaming rugrats, their screaming mothers on crack rock, and the old pervs with their DELICIOUS candy.;) )

Step 2: Find a piece of motor oil-stained plywood to use as a curbside ramp.

Step 3: Attempt to jump something from curbside ramp, or do a 1080 Stalefish McTwist from less than two feet off the ground. Once you've made a complete ass of yourself, and in midst of people pointing and laughing at you, stick your fingers in the holes left in you by your epic fail. You'll either taste brain, your own poo (indicating you're in the WRONG hole) or paydirt.

Enjoy.

(Actually, I lied. I love skateboarding! :) )

Question: "Do You Like Going To DQ? And What's Your Favorite Ice Cream To Get?"

Chet Sez: Uhh, is a Texan a Texan, does a frog bump his ass when he hops, or do Texans bump frogs DEEP in the ass while they're hopping? ALL YESSSS!!

To not love DQ

and be a native born Texican is pretty much Blasphemy. But you knew that right?

Do any other flavors exist besides a Peanut Buster Pairfait??

Chet doesn't THINK so!!

(Oh, the Cookie Dough Blizzard isn't too shabby! )

Okay, I'll take on one more query, but I want this last one to have some top-heft and depth to her...

(Almost exactly word-for-word my last words before I passed out at the after-party for my ORIGINAL Senior Prom! ;) LOL )

Question: "I Think Someone I Have A Crush On Is A Vampire...How Do I Get Her To Like Me? How Can I Hook Up With A Vampire?"

Chet Sez: Have You tried hanging a piece of juicy rare steak out of your back pocket? Hell, if you wanna date, it works for me!

LOL j/k.

Hey, I hate to sound like a broken record here or anything, but what do you Daywalker Sunshiner humans do to each other when you want to let one another know you like each other? Strip naked, tar and feather yourselves, knock on the door and leave a dead bird on the doorstep of your beloved?

Hopefully not.

So why then would you presuppose (or postsuppose ) that us Vampires are any different when it cu--err COMES to love?? We're humans too after all.

Why don't you try, gee, I dunno, ASKING HER OUT maybe? Chances are, if she really IS one of us, she ALREADY KNOWS how you feel. (The whole super-sensitive and very observant thing.) So she's already and waiting for you to spill all over her what's in your heart...

(The...uhh...emotional stuff not the...well...YOU KNOW! ;) )

Now, if you're asking "How can I be the type of person who is romantically/sexually attractive to a Vampire?" like in a special sense, it's really not that hard or much different, BUT as I've said MILLIONS of times, we are EXTREMELY observant creatures.

So in other words, if you want to attract a new girlfriend with teeth to her loving, you might want to try being your own man. Unique, speaking up for yourself, different from the 1000's of OTHER guys she's met over her long, LONNNNNG lifetime, having your own opinions, being funny or PSSST: have some balls! Of course, having a nice set of abs can't hurt either!

Hope all that helps.

Good talk son.

Well that about does it for this week but as always...

....if YOU have any questions for yours truly about the Vampire life, pop culture, fine cheeses, whether your cuts look infected, whether you need a boob job, or any others in general, please mail them to me at:

chettacular@yahoo.com

Just make sure you put "Questions For Chet" in the subject so I don't delete your precious email accidentally on purpose without reading it ...

Have an UBER-fantastic Weekend peoples!!

---Chet

50 Most Annoying Video Game Performances Of All Time

2011-09-13T01:09:00.000-05:00

Hey there Daywalker peeps!

Ever have one of those nights...err...DAYS )in your case) where you feel like there's a whole bunch of voices rattlin' around in your head and they JUST WON'T SHUT UP??

Uhhh.....yeaaah....ummmm....me neither.... :P :D

BUT, supposing you ever DID have voices in your head, I urge you not to panic or "House" down a handful of fruit flavored anti-psychotic meds just yet. It could all be from the shitty voice acting in your video games!!

Video clip coming up?? Gee, how'd you guess?? :P lol

Check out this Sunshiner dude's lip syncing/voice acting video showcasing 50 quickly terrible voice soundbits from various video games...DO IT NOW! ;)

Even if you don't normally play these games, I gotta say, it's still pretty funny...have a good one suckahs! :)

--Chet

Fat Babe Versus Copy Machine

2011-09-12T18:05:00.000-05:00

Another Happy Monday is here again, and once again I, Chet, the most pimptrescent cartoon Vampire in the Universe hae to perk your grumpy sunshiney ass at work... How about this...

...A commercial featuring the classic "Naughty Copy Machine Trick" with a little teensy tiny twist...

Enjoy!

In the mood for some HAM and eggs for Breakfast now dude? LOL :)

--Chet

Memo To Reality TV from Walk Of Fame: "Talk To The Hand!!"

2011-09-07T00:51:00.005-05:00

So you think that Reality TV is getting too big for it's britches? Tell THAT to the
Hollywood Walk Of Fame man!!

Naaah, don't worry Sunshiner comrades, I ain't going soft...(...ER than I already am ;) ) I just thought the following link would lighten your load a little bit, in a )almost) totally innocent and triple G softcore sort of way..

Memo To Reality TV stars: Hollywood Walk Of Fame sez: "Talk To The Hand!! You're NEVER gettin' in!!"

Besides, methinks old Kim K would need to take up too much room...at LEAST two stars of space...one for each...butt cheek!! :P LOL

I eagerly await my honorary Rhombus on the Celebrity Walk of Squares and dorks!!

--Chet

Jack The Ripper's True Identity Revealed? (AGAAAIN??)

2011-09-06T01:06:00.003-05:00

Has Jack The Ripper finally been found out?

Damned if I know, I'm a cartoon Vampire from Texas who likes to post up funky shiat in his blog and comment on his Vampire life BUT you can peruse the following link from the Huffington Post via my ancient friends Remmy and Trish.

I dunno...the dude kinda looks like Dexter to me, but you can be the judge:

The True Identity Of Jack The Ripper Revealed? A London Criminologist says so (VIDEO)-- HUFFPO

Just goes to show you....Ze Germans ste craaaaazaaaaay! ;)

--Chet

Tom Cruise Checks His Mail (Ha!)

2011-09-05T00:13:00.001-05:00

Hey you nifty Normie Daywalkers!! How was your looooooong weekend??

Yeaaah, whatever mine was better! LOL ;)

You know who didn't have such a hot weekend?? Yeah Tom Cruise!! How'd you know?? You so smart!

Miraculously not ONLY does the dainty dude have an Aussie cousin, he has a LITERATE Aussie Couz...

Still, that it WAY more awesome than the John Deer letter I got last week Pbbb :P

Thanks for the "tip" Adam Buxton

Ozzie ozzie ozzie, oi, oi, OIIIII!! :)

-- Chet

Baseball vs Football

2011-09-01T00:40:00.001-05:00

And to keep the great vibes going, how about we slap on a little...

...and a classic standup comedy routine from one of the masters of comedy himself, the late, the great George Carlin

"Baseball vs Football"

Enjoy!!

STILL glad to be back, but subject to change without notice! :P ;)

--Chet

Flamethrower Barbecue Extravaganza

2011-08-31T19:33:00.001-05:00

So... It's STILL summer, and if you're like me (and you're NOOOT ;) ) you're probably thinking about grilling various poor little animals for food and sustenance 24/7...

(Hell, what am I saying? This is TEXAS every season here is BBQ/Grillin' season! )

..In any rate along those line, check out this very technically informative instructional video clip ;) from The FPS Russia Show on how to PROPERLY use a piece of grilling paraphernalia that every authentic Texan has...A FLAMETHROWER!

Screw Lady Propane...That whole hog is DOOONE...booosh! :)

--Chet

The Joys Of Hair Metal

2011-08-30T00:03:00.001-05:00

Okiely Dokiely Normies, Next how about we take a winky-dink hop skip and jump into the past...or I.E. a found remembrance of that happy Phenom known as
80's Hair Metal

(Actually is very funny gnome-like comedian Patton Oswalt making these observations in an solo audio-to-Youtube clip )

But IF I were a world famous comedian instead of a giant fanged Vampire I would've said it first!! ;)

Enjoy :)

*Wibbley-Squabbley-DOOOOO!!* LOL B)

--Chet

Jedi Kittens

2011-08-29T19:00:00.001-05:00

Don't worry my lovely friendly Sunshiner folkels, I've got your blogtastic hookup and I WILL so go easy on you...

...Because hey, IT'S MONDAY!!

What could possibly go down easier than when two of the coolest things in the Universe come together?

Or AKA this video clip from Final Cut King

JEDI KITTENS!!

You're welcome! Now go play!! :P

--Chet

The REAL Beavis and Butthead

2011-08-25T19:36:00.005-05:00

Hey there Sunshiners!! It's been awhile since I've slapped one out there so how about we do a little...

For this week, we have the REAL Beavis and Butthead

check it out...

...or AKA Burn Notice's awesome super-spy extraordinaire actor Jeffrey Donovan and equally awesome from the short-lived NBC series Boomtown's Neal McDonough

(Yeah yeah, I know, I've used the ol'McDon boy before, but isn't it cool now to have the complete set!! LOL ;) )

Have a good one you lovely wondeful Daywalker peeps you!

--Chet

Fisherman: 1 Scuba Diver: NOTHING!!

2011-08-24T01:41:00.002-05:00

It's stories like the following that remind me WHY I haven't gone fishing since my Pop used to take me.

File this under "OW" or "OMG To The Max" or "Gee, thank you SO MUCH Trish for sharing this!!" ;)

Again my Sunshiner Normie Daywalker friends, I ask, do you think YOU'VE really had a bad day? Really really really??

Uh huh. Yeaaaaaaaaah. Whatever.

Read below. And cringe with me.

English Fisherman Reels In Scuba Diver By Hooking Him In The Penis

"John Goldfinch, 61, was fishing for mackerel on the beach at Budleigh Salterton, Devon, with mates Colin and Alan Ashley when he felt a huge bite.

The thrilled lifelong angler had to fight to reel in the catch as he looked forward to netting a massive fish.

But his excitement turned to shock when his hook surfaced about 15 metres offshore to reveal the hapless frogman..."

Read more and see the fishing hook pic HERE at the Daily Telegraph

Ummm....you were saying?? Uhhhyeaaaah That's what I thought, punk!! ;) lol

--Chet

How To Apologize 101: TV's Andy Levy

2011-08-23T00:56:00.002-05:00

For the record first let me say CHRIS BROWN SUCKS!!

But you know what sucks even worse than that my Daywalker children? USELESS APOLOGIES!!

If you want to do it the correct way, may I not-so-humbly-humbly suggest the master ombudsman of one of my longtime favorite shows Red Eye w/Greg Gutfeld or AKA TV's Andy Levy

The ONE Tuesday night that I am too busy working late to catch it live, the asforeskinmentioned Mr. Levy gives the following EPIC on-air apology to perennial ghettofabulous douche deluxe with cheese
Chris Brown

Watch with shock....AND AWE...Sunshiner folk!!

Mr. Levy, you are an inspiration to smartassed men with balls everywhere, undead or otherwise. We salute you Sir!

Carry on Daywalkers, carry on.

--Chet

How To Use Your Dogs As Sock Puppets

2011-08-22T00:34:00.002-05:00

Did you know hot Daywalker chicks can get away with anything??

Yeaaaap big major duuuuh part II right?? Ask Youtuber JennaMarbles

I don't know whether to laugh at this or cry....from my penis. But whatever people I thought this was funny. In a good way.

Mostly. ;)

Check out "What Dogs Do When You're not Home." Cute stuff!

That wee woman may well be the only person on this planet as utterly dorky as I am.

My Disease is spreading. LOL :P

--Chet

Vampires Playing Poker

2011-08-18T00:56:00.001-05:00

This probably won't come as a surprise to you Blog-reading folk, but I'm a fan of America's newest and often the most dubiously rigged professional pastime…Poker.

(Especially that suspicious World Series stuff on the tube. Jamie Gold sucking out in ’06 by winning with nothing but junk for ten or twelve straight hands in a row, then went on to win the title with hardly any resistance?? PLEAAASE!!)

But, it still can be fun to play anyhow.

And of course I most often play the Texas Hold'em variety.

Oh sure, there are plenty of places to go if Vampires are looking to card-shark-it up cobrastyle…whether it’s the casinos in Vegas or super-duper secret Austin Vampire clubhouses that operate in the wee hours. Almost every one of them has a Poker room.

Quite a few Vampires are pro gambles actually. I mean really, does it seem all that farfetched to you? Most cash game Poker and whatnot takes place at night anyway, it’s really perfect for us…the hours are right up our alley (sometimes LITERALLY) and well, being permanently nocturnal has its advantages at the card table.

Why yesss, my blog-watcher children, you DID correctly sniff out a Chet-ragious sayings cliché’ coming on…as I’ve already said before, and I’ll probably say again to the infinitesimalist…VAMPIRES ARE NATURAL PEOPLE WATCHERS!!

(Whenever I do eventually pass on after my 1,000,000th “recreational” sponge bath, thousands of years from now in a nursing home on Europa space colony, some poor bastard schmuck is probably going to put that in all caps on my tombstone…with pepperoni and cheese!!)

Even before I was infected with the "V-Night Train" I had played Poker quite a bit, and knew that it’s at least 70% people observation.

Now, I'm just so much freaking better at it.

Take for instance this.

Let’s say that there is a certain super-duper-secret Vampire social club about a block or so from the UT campus that I like to visit with my posse. Let us also say that this club is called…umm….”Bloody Mary’s” (It’s not, but for the sake of my AWESOME storytelling impromptu naming skills let’s assume from now on that it is. )

Let’s say that myself, Trish, Remmy, Antoine, sometimes Stinky Linda, and once in a blue balled Moon her Normie bitchboy Claude have our weekly Poker Night there maybe once or twice a month, and then the rest of the time at Remmy's houseboat.

(I can't give you too many details about this said “Bloody Mary’s” social club…seeing as how you're NOT a member, but there’s a certain funkadelic bar and grill place you Austin Daywalker guys like to visit near the campus during the daytime that doubles as our hangout when no one else is looking…you’d never even know it was Vampie owned and operated unless someone told you…which I guess I kinda just did. HA! But SHADDAUP about it…okay? )

Anyhow, our Poker forays are without doubt further proof that even us Nocturnal cool kiddos are not exempt from the sin of too much repetition.

I’m in the habit now of noticing all these things.

Take for example my gal pal Trish.

Here you have an adorably charming little pixie lass who’s been around a long time (as in a 530-something year old chickipoo who doesn't look a day over 24 ) yet she STILL has a lucky charm or two when she plays. A little miniature metal spindle whorl thingie she’s had for centuries that she sometimes uses as a card marker. She’s also got like this weird plastic little monkey…something that looks like it originally belonged in a tiny plastic zoo playset of well, zoo animals, that she’s rammed a hole straight through and attached a piece of braided string for a necklace as a kind of lucky charm. What’s so lucky about a monkey around your neck, I haven’t a clue.

When one who has never seen it before asks WHY she has a little plastic toy gorilla beating his chest hanging from her neck, her answer will always be...

“Because people ask me why…THAT’S WHY!!”

She always wears a blue scrunchie in her hair on Poker Night too…no matter how long her hair is, or even if her hair happens to be in its blue phase.

Trish also never takes a sip from her Appletini just before the cards are dealt. If she’s got a big hand she has an annoying tendency to whimsically bounce her feet under the table with her pink combat boots still on…OR to put her bare feet in other peoples…umm….PLACES where they don’t belong!

If she’s trying to be sneaky, she’ll likely start “coffeehousing” it up, or for you poor uniniatated with the slanguage non-Poker slobs out there, conversing and bullshitting with random chit chat during a hand…usually about geekdom stuff… like the latest episode of The Office or the “wonderful” complexities of String Theory

(Which is practically an orgasm-and-a-half of excitement to hear about, let me tell you!)

When she’s having a tough time with the cards, she’ll start to mumble obscenities sometimes…especially in Middle English…as if someone else at the table doesn’t know how to speak it fluently. (Remmy, certainly not yours truly!! I was never that big of a weirdo in High School…once through the prison anal reaming…err…I mean LEGALLY REQUIRED CURRICULM of Canterbury Tales and Beowulf was enough!!)

Remmy is a kind of a throwback Poker dork. Yeaaap…he’s got to do it all up with a lucky suit vest and one of those uber gay green shadey visor thingies for your dome, like some old timey gamblers used to wear on their heads. He’d use a cigar to complete the look, except that the Remster has a dreadful dislike for anything and everything to do with smoking…so a Slim Jim that had been playing understudy to the cigar will get the lead part this evening.

Remmy doesn’t have too many obvious tells, but one thing I can say, for all the years I’ve known him is that his rather pointed Nosferatu ears tips, one or both of them, will flex a little bit when he’s starting to get emotional, the real trick for yours truly is to try and figure out if it’s a happy happy, joy joy kind of hand emotion, or if I’m whopping his ass and getting him flustery.

For some reason wearing his “Poker Uniform” gets Remmy all nostalgical about trains, a’la his days working for various railroad companies.

“ Chet, Did I ever show you the gold pocket watch given to me by Isambard Kingdom Brunel himself ?”

Whoever the Hell he is!!

Remmy particularly likes to impart a time he spent building a railroad bridge in British Africa with some guy named Patterson…helping him night hunt a pair of man-eating lions…which someone like Remmy (or me) would be ideally suited for.

If he’s in a rather watermelon Jolly Rancher (read: sucky) kind of mood, he might ramble on about how he wished we could just play a game of Pinochle Pinochle (pronounced like you just PEE-ed all over your KNUCKLE-s in the public toilet) instead. Oh, he did TRY to teach me once, about a decade ago, but in the end, trying to learn that game is just a big clusterphucking headache. In case you haven’t noticed by now, Remmy is rather fond of telling stories…which is one of the reasons why he is my best friend…and also the reason why he sometimes annoys the Hell out of me!!

Then there’s Stinky Linda and her bitchboy Claude.

I don’t recollecticate I’ve talked much about these two thus far, though I’m PRETTY sure I’ve mentioned Linda some time before….hmmm.

Anyway, of the Vampies in our little clique, Linda is probably the one who appears to be the oldest…in her mid to late thirties. (Though I THINK she’s 88 chronologically) Picture a woman about 5’9 with a lean, sinewy muscular ballet dancer’s kind of body, very long legs and short, boycut jet black hair with free falling bangs over her forehead. She’d be an almost perfect brunette tipped pencil of a skinny hardbodied Vampiress if it weren’t for her boobies and ass, which are both full, and bouncy. (Not as big a cup size as Sophie the blonde Amazon, but still very noticeable.) Her eyes are tiny little coal black marbles in appearance, each with a garnish of feminine eyelashes, a nose between those eyes that’s a tad too thin and raven dark eyebrows. I suspect in her pre-bloodsucking days Linda was likely olive toned in skin-shade, for even after the “milking” up of her skin due to Vampiritis, she’s still darker than the rest of us, only Antoine is darker. She kinda reminds me a bit of a short-haired Gina Gershon only not QUITE as hot.

I also believe that she’s Italian, for I seem to recall her loudly screaming “Fongula” or is it “Voncula!!” in my face when she was bouncing up and down hard on my….uhh…err…nevermind.

That’s how I met her actually. (Linda I mean, NOT Gina Gershon ;) ) It had been quite a while after Sophie, and my last serious Normie girlfriend (perhaps maybe YEARS)… and it had been awhile too since she’d been with a Vampie guy, so we…uhh…both needed a little…umm…”exercise” and “company.”

(Hey, don’t be giving me that evil scowl …you have NO IDEA how hard it is to boink a lover with less…umm…vigor than you’d like to, ‘cuz you’re….umm…Vampire “enthusiasm” might snap their pelvis like a twig!! Doing Normies can be like doing it with one hand tied behind your back…umm…metaphorically speaking!! Sometimes Vampires just NEED to get it on with other Vampires, yadig?? )

Anyway, we transitioned out of the original “bootycalling” phase to just friendship some years ago now. She works as a “nighttime CPA” (whatever the Hell that means!) and is obsessed with fitness. (Bowflex, Bowflex, P90X!!) The reason why I often refer to her as Stinky Linda is because of her fondness of all things garlic…which I’m definitely not into in the slightest.

Her poker game is alright, but I still find it way too easy to escape when she’s trying to trap me with a monster hand…she’ll get a nervous laugh sometimes that sounds a little…umm…piggy oinkish. It’s cute.

Claude, Linda’s current Normie boyfriend is another matter entirely. Oh, it’s not that his game is so hot mind you, it’s that he’s soooo freakin’ annoying at the table. For those of you who know Poker fairly well, Claude’s Poker style is the embodiment of the “Tourist” type of player. A Phil Hellmuth kind of guy in attitude…. but not in skill.

If you were to see me and my gang out at Whataburger late at night or something, you’d assume he’d be the “Daddy” of our little impromptu family, but you’d be wrong. See in your Sunshiner mind’s eye a man in his mid fifties to early sixties.

Loud Hawaiian shirts (he even has a Magnum P.I. ) that he tends to leave open one button too many exposing his salt-and-peppery white HUGE manbush of chest hair through the top of his wifebeater undershirt.

Stubble beaded, or sometimes he lets it grow out so that he kinda resembles that Santa Claus looking spokesman from the Christian Save The Children’s Fund Worldwide Scam International or whatever the Hell it’s called, or maybe a little like the Skipper from Gilligan’s Island.

A Parrothead reject.

He’s originally from Louisiana (I think I heard him say Houma or Slidell once) A Vietnam veteran. He often reeks of industrial barbecue pit smoke. He has a fondness for smoking cigars, Monte Cristos, not a bad choice if you’re gonna smoke a cigar, (though it bugs the helloutta Remmy) but what REALLY irks me is his need to chop them in half and make little fat stogies out of them. (If you’re gonna buy an expensive cigar, smoke it as is, don’t bastardize it and make it look like a little lit dog turd in your mouth for phucks sake!)

He drinks Shiner Bock like it’s water. He’s loud, he likes to talk a lot of trash at the table, and he has wild chip stack swings. Really I don’t know why Linda lets him shack up with her at her house in Pflugerville for as long as she has. I guess she’s got a fetish for hairy old dudes, and he also does favors for her during the day.

I only put up with him in our games because he buys A LOT of my Bloody Tears Goat Whiskey, one of the few non-Gothic Normies who digs it…Oh, and he’s a “fish” with his Poker money.

Oh yeah and maybe because I feel a little sorry for him too. It’s not like he’s got anybody else anymore other than us. Poor Bastard.

The only one I can’t seem to get a good fix on is Antoine.

It could be that I’m not paying attention enough, or more likely that he’s just that freakin’ good at hiding his emotions at the table. Not that I’m all that surprised…this WAS what Tone used to do for a living in his normal life…card sharking in back alley clubs in the French Quarter..and playing music. He even likes to posh up his gear when he’s at the table with us…a flashy shirt, some Cool Water cologne, and this peal white vintage Homburg style hat with a peacock feather in the brim. Though he’ll dress down a lot more when he and I play heads-up on some early mornings during the week when it’s just the two of us available to hang out and we have nothing better to do. I’ll tell him about all the weird observations I’ve made about life over the last few nights, he’ll laugh that big boisterous proud laugh of his, and then maybe bounce some of his latest standup material off my ass…and I often laugh so hard with him the beer shoots out my nose.

(Beautiful image no?)

Sure, he takes some money off me…but I think I mostly hold my own against him, and make more than enough of it back when I take ol’Claude for most of his dough in the group games.

I guess that’s one thing I and Tone have over our buddy Ol’Timers. Remmy could ride and joust on a horse better than I could ever hope to in ten lifetimes…Trish can paint like the wind blows and make mad science inventions that scare the living crap outta people, Linda can do things with pasta, and Claude…umm…well…he can just be Claude, and try not to kill anyone.

Poker is a marker of MY time. Texas Hold’em is MY game…which is only natural seeing as how I’m the only native Texan in our bunch.

But, in the end, whether I kick ass at it or not, what I enjoy about it most is spending a few hours bluffing, chating, and yucking it up with my good friends.

After all, isn’t that what it’s all about?

Anyway, what TIME IS IT??

It’s poker game time, HOO!!

Do you play Texas Hold’em or Poker in general?

If so, how would you rate your game?

What’s a ritual that you and YOUR posse of friends like to regularly share together?

Ever played Pinochle?

Do know what “String Theory” is? If so, think you can explain it in a way that DOESN’T hurt my frontal lobes?

Think you could bluff a Vampire out of his money??

Because Hell is playing Pinochle with a bunch of Geeks discussing String Theory...

--Chet

Idiocracy (2006)

2011-08-17T18:47:00.002-05:00

Since I feel like I've been running smok with complete idiots this week...

...Why not tackle the movie that is a PARADE of idiots??

Idiocracy

Info:

Director-- Mike Judge

Writers--- Mike Judge
Etan Cohen

Starring---
Luke Wilson
Maya Rudolph
Dax Shepard

Year: 2006

Company: 20th Century Fox

The Basic Scoop, The Poop, The Lowdown:

A guy who's an average Joe, (LITERALLY) or AKA PFC Joe Bowers of the US Army ( Wilson ) volunteers along with a "lady of the evening" named Rita ( Rudolph ) for a yearlong cryogenics experiment. But when he awakes from his shiveringly cold siesta (ya'like that? I wrote it myself! ;) ) it's 500 years into the future, a time when all of humanity has devolved into an unwashed mass of idiots. It's up to Joe to try and survive this planet populated entirely by village idiots and to see if maybe he can find a way back home to his own century.

What's Pretty Good:

The concept. YES we know it's been done before in quite a few flicks. YEEEEEES we know that there is a lot of flawed science and bugs in real life involving cryogenics (Thanks for pointing that out to me Trish....AGAIN, this is what? the 150th time? You do that EVERY TIME I watch any movie involving frozen popsicle people... I got it! LOL :P )

But it really doesn't matter HOW our Average Joe traveled through time. The insights of what he sees are interesting, crudely insightful, and more on the mark about OUR OWN time than maybe we'd all care to admit. I mean seriously, how often have we met someone who has a college degree, yet they can't say ASK instead of AXE? Or students who've put "textish" slang into term papers? Or how many corporate logos are put on just about everything?

And I defy ANYONE to not think of 2010 State Of The Union every time they watch President Comacho's special joint session of Congress speech in the "House Of Representin' " Just about every time I watch this flick I see some hidden nugget of truthy satire that I missed the last time.

Luke Wilson is solid playing the "gosh-darn-it" lovable Texan "Everyman" in a never-ending sea of absurdity About the ONLY actor who I think MAAAAYBE could have done it better is
Office Space alum and fan-favoriteRon Livingston (Mike Judge's original first choice for the part I believe, but was committed to another project.)

I've often heard some of my friends and a few famous type critic wannabes criticizing Dax Shepard for his lack of range and whatnot, but you'll not be hearing that from THIS particular critic wannabe lol :) His performance as Frito Pendejo (Spanish for: "Fried Dickhead" lol ) is one of the crucial parts that makes this movie! It's his subtle touches that sell his character to the audience and make him believable as a true expert idiot.

Did you see it? He can't even flick someone off right!!

Also, speaking of flicks, this flick has some great cameos throughout...keep your eyes peeled people!!

What Kinda Sorta Really, Really Sucks:

It's not a movie for everyone. The language is strong, so if you're a tad codger-fogie-prude...ish you might find it all a little hard to swallow. The runtime feels extremely fast, even more rapid than it's already fairly speedy 84 minutes. The plot is straight-forward and one-dimensional, it might've been nice to have seen a subplot worked in there somewhere, so that maybe you could get a longer look at even more aspects of this fascinating future culture. (Fascinating like a really bad accident on the freeway between a clown and a mime in circus go-carts! ;) lol )

Many of the assets and actors of this film seem under-utilized, and some of the gags can make the flick seem like an SNL or MADtv sketch that dragged on a little too long.

Overall Film Grade: B-

Bottomline, Idiocracy is a "cult-fan" favorite. Biting modern social commentary mixed with comedy and acting performances that sometimes work, and sometime fall as flat as a broke redneck tripping out of Lean (Which, of course I would NEVER drink or advocate drinking, because I'm not a trailer park redneck!! )

Yet, throughout all of it, you'll probably have a great time watching! It's one of my favorites.

Kick back and watch it with your own favorite posse of "particular Individuals!" lol :)

--Chet

The Evolution Of Gamming (AWESOME VIDEO!!)

2011-08-16T01:25:00.001-05:00

Yo Mamma Jokes!

2011-08-15T00:37:00.001-05:00

Hey Sunshiner buckaroos! Let's start out the new with something super simple....

How about a visually illustrated, super-duper animated, outragiously funny "Yo Mamma" joke?

Okaaaaaaay, it wasn't THAAAAT funny, but hey, the animation was pretty spiffy huh?

(It's Monday people....yeaaaaah lol :) )

-- Chet

The Making Of A Vampire, Part II

2011-08-11T19:24:00.001-05:00

So, I guess this is the part where I’m supposed to act all 80’s TV two-parter cliff-hanger-riffic and say something in a deep sexy TV narrator voice like…”Previously on The Unlife…”

and there’s probably supposed to be a series of nifty clips about explosions, hot women slapping the living zhit out of other hot women with poofy hair for sleeping around with their men (and their pets, power tools, cucumbers, house plants, etc etc) some random old fart (who no one has a PHUCKING clue who he is on the show) waking up from a coma and perhaps a shot of buck-ass-naked
Patrick Duffy
materializing outta nowhere or something…

....perhaps even a passing image of a Jack Russell terrier or two….

Because who in our “noble”country DOESN’T love America’s favorite dog breed A.K.A. Eddie Spaghetti from Frasier A.K.A. Moose A.K.A. may he rest in peace?

….seeing as how in my last entry I was supposed to be telling y’all the epic of how I, Chester McNabb, became a Vampire but was oh so rudely interrupted by MEAT…

Grilled steaks are such whiny little bitches when they’re newborns aren’t they? (Wink.)

So….lemme see, me, driving to Houston, biker bar, tall as Hell blonde chick, possible game of pool against her….where did I leave off….can somebody remi- Oh YEAAH…something along the lines of THIS right?

“Did I mention that this God fellow HATES me?….”

Mmmmmkaaay….thanks….I’m on top of it now.

So…then we played….and we played….and we played….and then we ordered a pitcher of beer…chased that with another pitcher of beer….then MAYBE another pitcher of beer…some Tequila….and maybe paid for another game with beer nuts and pocket lint and a little money and Hall’s cough drops in there some place…but as the night wore on, I started to forget things. LOTS of things!

Like the fact that she kicked my ass the first time before I could even blink….and then AFTER I blinked and picked up my pride (and my testes)and played again… things got better…

…If by better, one means I added another two minutes to the amount of time it took for her to make me her pool hall bitch, HUZZZAH!

And yet again, I the stupid smiling penis, did paid for the pleasure of this chick’s company.

But, I have to say, from what I remember of it NOW…it really wasn’t so bad…at least not in the bad, bad sensical sense of the word…make sense?

She really was a charming conversationalist…and apparently I must have been turning on the charm too (or was it all due to my wingman Jose…Cuervo who finally decided to show up somewhere AFTER the fourth beer pitcher…or…uhh…some number like that…(I’m honestly surprised all that drinking didn’t kill me!)

Oh yeaaah…we definitely started flirting….

(if of course by flirting you mean by feeling each other up in a back hallway of a biker bar, long passionate kisses with lots and LOTS of tongue, oh and eventual gratuitous nudity.)

(Damn I’m good!)

Though for the shortest of spells, I thought this was all some kind of wonderful dream, that my subconscious mind had somehow conjured up a beautiful blonde with a killer sideboob profile, gorgeous dimples and an adorable small-of-the-back area…I thought for sure I’d wake up back in my dorm, with drool all over my pillow and that vintage mini Pac-Man throw barely covering my naked man-loins.

FUN FACT: Like any REAL man, Chet always sleeps “commando” style! You’re Welcome! (Snort!)

But, thankfully, as a nice change of pace, I woke someplace OTHER than my home, sweet shithole covered in pizza boxes and dirty laundry.

The next thing I know, I’m in this really REALLY swanky king-sized bed in what looks to be a five star hotel…everything is trimmed in warm colors and gilded gold shades…the furniture is the kinda swanky stuff I now only see in other peoples houses…a…uhh…I guess a kinda Queen Ann reddish cherry finished coffee table near the bed is the first thing that caught my eye…it had what appeared to be a fancy silver tray of fresh fruit and bagels on it…though, I gotta say everything was still kinda hazy. All I knew for sure was that it must be morning….ish (damn everything was so phucking BRIGHT)

I could feel that I was naked with my bare ass on satin sheets (mmmmmm) and there was no freaking way I paid for this room…oh yeah, and that I was also flaccid.

(Wink!)

And then, as I opened my peepers a little bit further I finally saw it….

Oh, I wouldn’t necessarily be freaked out by the fact that my wrists were tied to big fat pineapple bedposts with pantyhose.

(Uh…duuuur….COLLEGE…uhh…Helllo?? Ummm MCFLLLLY…HELLLO IN THERE!!)

No, what really freaked me out was the super gnarly tan I had worked so hard at South Padre almost all that summer to build had now somehow abandoned me in this new and strange city….tell me, why are tans so ungrateful? You give them the best years of your manwhoring life and then they’re GONE at the first sign of trouble!! Sheesh!!

"alt="I had suddenly become Casper, the friendly McPhucking Dork…" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Y4VUX_Oe7Y0/SL9WD-TlzMI/AAAAAAAAAO4/nBeCNG5S0ic/s400/Casper+ghost+(Custom).jpg" border="0" />

I had suddenly become Casper, the friendly McPhucking Dork…only NERDY dudes were this freaking white (oh yeah, and statuesque blonde Nordic looking chicks)

….and white this fast? Defcom three people…truly a major W-T-F moment!! What the hell happened? Had I been, like, frozen or something?? Bleached in Clorox all night? Boinked almost to death??

(Please please PLEASE let it be boinked almost to death!!)

And I guess I was….well….sort of.

Right about then, when I was beginning to believe that only the GOOD points about last night were all a dream…SHE came in from a side door that apparently led to a really big-ass fancy bathroom.

“Oh good…you’re finally awake!!” Blondzilla said with a slightly nervous cheeriness in her voice.

I have to say, even though I was a might perplexciated, and maybe even a tad angry in my lack of knowledge over the situation, I still liked the way she looked in that black silken bathrobe that barely went down to her thighs.

Must’ve only had robes enough for wee midget petite chicks. I wonder if she’s completely naked under there?

….wait…..Yeaaaap.

Thought I as she then lowered herself onto the bed on top of me and kissed me gently on the lips. I knew all too well the signature of a nice sized braless cleavage. Very nice.

“ Are…are you hungry?”

“ I dunno…umm….what time is it anyway?”

For some strange reason it just now occurred to me that, despite having drunk like a mad Irish demon the night before, I had no hangover symptoms.

At all.

“About 4:30. PM” My apparent Amazon one-night-stand answered in a softly sweet voice, stroking my bare chest with her fingertips.

Damn she was pretty…and soft. I must say, in spite of everything, those hypnotic green eyes of hers looking back into mine, so very VERY close to me, the way that her angelic blond tresses hung down freely against my shirtless skin, and the whispery sweet tone of her voice in my ear all made me feel a little better about things. Hey, at least I wasn’t going through this alone…whatever THIS was…hmmm….maybe this wasn’t really ANYTHING at all…maybe I was…was just….yaknow…seeing things.

“Holy SHIIIT baby…sleeping in ‘til 4:30… in the afternoon?? WOW…That’s like a new record for me…after a night of drinking and all…and…ummm….we…DID spend the night together last night….right??”

And then there was that delicious Mona Lisa smile of hers again. “Oh YEAAAH… you were great…MMMmmmmreally great!”

Boooyaaah!

Almost as quickly as the devious lusty smile had come upon the lips of my lady lover, it was gone again to be replaced with that nervous look in her eyes.

“Except….uhhh…..that wasn’t….TECHNICALLY… last night….uh….yeah….it was more like TWO nights ago…”

Okay, somebody please pimpslap me back to reality…STAT!

“Uhh…WHAT?? What the hell is going on?!”

“Wait! You haven’t even asked me why I tied you up…” replied Megazord Blondie, with a rather misdirecting tone in her voice, as if searching for anything that might delay the issue at hand.

“Well come on now, it’s not like I’ve never had a kinky minx in bed before, although since it’s been TWO DAYS APPARENTLY… you COULD untie me now if it’s not too much troub -“

“I COULDN’T! I didn’t know when you’d be finally clear of the fits!!” She says with an emphatic honesty in her voice.

“The what?”

“We all get them at first when we first begin to-“

“Begin to what??”

“I’ve been meaning to get to that I really am so SO sorry I never meant to do anything like this to you and I’ve never done anything like this before because when this happens we usually do it when they give us permission to do it and I never-“ Now backed away Blondie-squach from moi and the bed pacing back on her feet, rambling on nearly incoherent in her nervousness.

“WHAT’S GOING ON?!?!”

“I….I bit you.” Attack of the 50ft blonde answered in a meek whisper.

“You BIT me??”

“Yeah…but I didn’t MEAN t-”

“You bit me where?”

“On the… NECK maybe??”

At first I almost felt like bursting out in a redneck style belly laugh at this “revelation.” I mean here was some woman (albeit a sexy one) going into a manic fit over a little too “vigorous” a nibble on my neck during sex. What was she going to do, start giving me a teary eyed confession because she smacked my bare bum a little too hard, or stuck one too many fingers up my bunghole?

Then, I caught a glimpse at my ghost white arm again.

And why is this room STILL so PHUCKING BRIGHT?? Somebody close the cur…oh wait…they ARE closed.

“Please Chester…say something.”

“ SOMETHING. There. But, babe, how did you-?”

“Driver’s License …I had to go through your wallet to see if I could find someone to call in case you didn’t make it.”

“Didn’t make it? Through what, SEX??”

Finally, she cracked a genuine open-mouthed smile…but there was something barely noticed that seemed very WEIRD about it…like maybe…buck teeth…or…umm…something.

“NOOOOO…from when I BIT you!!”

“Whaaah? Do that again!”

“Do what?”

“Smile.”

And then, I saw them. Her toothy grin was barely toothy in her anxiety but it still was enough for me to know what was there that was not supposed to be.

“HOL-LEEE-SSSSHIT! Yougot like big, pointy-“

“Umm…they’re called fangs.”

I glanced back at my pale skin yet again…and then at the jolly queen giant with the nasty big pointy teeth who was, as if in an afterthought, finally trying to free me from the vile clutches of her death-defying pantyhose, though she only got through one. I snapped the other one off faster than you could say Key Lime Pie (literally) and sprung to my feet in a jiffy…jerking open that bigass bathroom door in a fit of panicked energy.

“Ohhhhplease please pleaaase don’t be MAD at me!! Let’s try to look back on this moment together as a…uhh….you know, as a kindof… LEARNING EXPERIENCE! Or…uh…I KNOW…as the start of a beautiful….and sexual…FRIENDSHIP!” the aBLOND-able snow-woman exclaimed quickly following after yours truly.

I barely had to make it inside to see the all too clear truth. It really wouldn’t have mattered if this hotel hadn’t been so highbrow in this moment, nor if the glass hadn’t been polished to a high mirror shine…nor did it matter that the bathroom was COVERED in large mirrors…or that there was a HUGE Jacuzzi with fully stocked bar….and a full-length mirror directly NEXT TO that Jacuzzi....

(Damn, I wonder if we made “good” use of all this? Why am I NEVER allowed to remember my studliest moments?)

Oh yess my blog-children, it was all there.The pale skin, the permanently dilated pupils, my fingernails had grown like mad…and of course, when I leaned over the sink and felt inside my mouth, there they were…wee little POINTS now where formerly innocent teeth had been.

“OH MY GAWWWWWD! Babe, I look like a PHUCKING ZOMBIE!!”

“Uh…nooo, VAMPIRE…and by the way, the name is Sophia NOT babe…”

“Okay then, you’ve made me into a phucking vampire FREAK, Soap-box!! ” Yours truly exclaimed sarcastically while still carefully examining my new…teeth.

“I’m so so so so so so SORRY!”

“HOW THE PHUCK COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?!”

“Well…we were going at it all hot and heavy on the bed, and….it was all just so WONDERFUL because you don’t know how LONG it’s been since I’ve had a guy who…(nibbles lip with shy smile )….FIT ME so perfectly…”

Oh no, that’s not bragging, I remembered that part correctly. Put it this way read-along folk, even if I HADN’T gone toUT and had opted to go to Baylor, Tech or even U of Hinstead…I’d STILL be a LONGhorn….well….in at least ONE sense of the word!

(Devious fangy smile.)

“You just felt so incredible….and when I start feeling that incredible I get kinda feisty so I really wanted to grab you and hold you tight like, scratching my nails down your back as you sat there on my bed and I locked my legs around you…and then you tilted your head back and growled like a beast as you started to pick up the pace and….and…are you a swimmer??”

(Say what??)

“Uh…WHAT?? What in the hell does that got to do wi-”

Sophie continued rambling right on through at near hyper lip drive. When nervous Soph never breaks for anything. Especially questions.

“I really LOVE swimmer/surfer type guys, broad shoulders and…such thick, THICK necks…and there was yours…and well when I have sex with normie guys I USUALLY use protection….”

“Protection?!”

“ Yeaaap….Handcuffs. I handcuff myself to the bed so I’m not too tempted and youknow it’s kinda KINKAAAY and hahaahaha…yeah but then there was your neck, all thick and tan…and I promise I really WAS only gonna nibble on it a LITTLE…with like…my safer teeth, be all sexy rough on you….but then, I just kinda went NUTS…it’s an instinct youknow…”

“Ummm….which part? The biting or the freakishly tall blonde going completely nuts?!”

“You know, the *Hisses brandishes her fangs like an animal * thing!!”

“Uh…huuuuuh….” Said I, looking her in the eyes now, but pretty much in shock at this point.

How could such an attractive woman talk so fast and be so phucked up?

“Chester, I just kinda got maybe a LITTLE carried away…and before I knew it, I was drinking all your blood, uuhh… almost all of it…and I was going to stop, HONEST, because no matter whether a Vampire human kills you or a Daywalking human, or a Wolfman human ( mutters here “ I don’t even know if Wolfmen really exist or not” ) kills you…it’s still murder…but it’s been SO LONG too since I’ve had ANY human blood yaknow…especially fresh from the tap, and as any fool Vampie knows H-blood is great juice….but then I realized I was almost KILLING YOU…. I couldn’t do that to a guy as cute AND funny as you…”

“Cute…and funny…” My head nodded up and down like a bobblehead doll blank of virtually all intelligent thought…which I pretty much was by this point. It didn’t even occur to me that I had been standing there completely naked this whole time either, and that I had no idea where my clothes were.

“So I did the one thing that I could do to save your life…I shot my vamp juice into you…and made you…well….like….me…umm…..SURRRRPRISSSE!!”

“Like….me….”

By now I was just parroting everything she said….man everything is getting really, REALLY bright again annnd…uhh......whoa!

And right about there is where I hit the floor.

Apparently, as I would later learn, this was all part of the transformalogical process…the bite, the two days plus coma, the unconscious thrashing about, the blathering on of a Cybertron sized blonde orc women trying to explain herself…more unconsciousness…sensitivity to light as you get used to your eyes, confusion, your magnificent young male bod made to look as pasty white as a fatty piece of uncooked bacon etcy etcy.

Long story short, when I came to, and saw that she had stepped out for a bit, I found what clothes of mine I could, and then made like a tree….and got outta there!

Through the years and through some sorta semi mutual acquaintances of ours, (who also at times would “angle” me on her behalf) I’d later learn that this Danish looking dame, my unfortunately fortunate “maker” was a 120-something year old vampy chick who today goes by the name of Sophia Haeger, and that she had been some sorta snooty Ragtime era “Deb” in the Big Apple or New England or something in her original “Normie” life, when some Vampie rico sauve’ dude bit her ANND her even more annoying mother.

She had been down there in Houston visiting since the Mommykins had jumped the broom again with an H-town oil executive suga-daddy (Hey, it WAS the ‘80s at the time…dawgs!) Talk about good timing.

So, yeah, to FINALLY try and wrap my story up a bit here, yep I think about her from time to time, I mean, she WAS (and is) a sweet girl…and did try to do the right thing by me and all. (Even had my shitty Civic towed to the hotel and cleaned….though, I was a might miffed at that too at the time, seeing how my vehicular shit inside it was all PRECISELY organized, and my epic collection of alphabetized Mickydees Styrofoam cups in the backseat was gone!)

And yeaaaap we did briefly meet again for a little while once about ten years ago when I had to go up to Beantown for some personal-ish biz’ness (don’t ask!) and I suppose things did get a little better between us, but I still found it then, and now, hard to completely forgive her….hard to let go of the fact that someone completely changes your life ( a difference like NIGHT AND DAY, nyuck nyuck!) without asking you if that’s what you want…though I guess this IS better than, I dunno, being deader than fried chicken by now.

Yeap, I do still think about her this time of year, about what might’ve been…had I listened to her a little more the last time I saw her…or if I should’ve been “nicer” about it all.

In any rate, let me tale be a lesson to you blog-kiddies, neck with the wrong chick and it’s your ASS!!

Always practice “safe” sex….with handcuffs!

--Chet

Crop Circles? Blame The Evil Stoned Wallabies!!

2011-08-10T00:43:00.005-05:00

You think YOU'RE having a tough week huh?

Well just imagine if you had to be the reporter/blogger/freelancer/Intern/Ass-Sniffing-Enthusiast over at the
Huffington Post assigned to cover THIS STORY....

(or just having to be a reporter over at Huffpo in GENERAL, but whatever... :P)

Crop Circles Are Really Made By Stoned Wallabies, Australian Officials Say

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.....I think just MAYBE the rest of your week is lookin' a whole lot better now...

You're welcome! ;)

--Chet