Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Questions For Chet

How about we dip into the Vampire mailbag and tackle some more...

a cheeky vampire Texan blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general

Question: "How Smart Are Vampires?"

Vampires Are Smart! See?

Chet Sez: Smurt. Execkstreame LEE smurt! Chaint uwe tehl??

More like smart ASSED but that's a given. I've got to be me, man.

But to answer your question WITH a question, how smart are YOU? Or any of your human friends you know??

It varies right??

Same goes for us Vampires. Your I.Q.

doesn't really change when you get "The Bug" (unfortunately.) You just have longer to live so you have more time to learn more stuff.

Point of fact, Remmy not the highest I.Q. among us...he's about 128 I believe. Trish= 175 Me= 142 and some guy I know named Tice = -18

YESSS IT'S 142! No, really! I SWEAR!!

I'm as surprised by that result as you are. LOL

Question: "Dude, Do You Skate?"

Chet Sez: Sure!

( I skate THROUGH Life, by the Truth, and Reality every damn day! :P )

Actually, despite the fact that I had a large enough COCK to be a "licensed" skateboarder, but I also always had this pesky little annoying thing called a JOB and occasionally a LIFE which prevented me from partaking from such fine pursuits of such pursuity....ness.


Question: "What's The Fastest You've Seen A Vampire Move?"

Chet Sez: Well duh, do I REALLY need to answer that? I mean when do YOU move YOUR fastest? When after having partaken of extremely "questionable" Mexican cuisine, you rush to give a ready "offering" in one of these badboys maybe...

Everybody hits lightspeed when they've got to go teetee, even Vampires!

It happens. ;)

Or did you mean what as in, WHAT was the object that was moved? Umm...I did see a Vampire throw a leisure chair through the air like a baseball fastball once...and it would've been even faster than that except he had a fat baby sitting in the chair at the time...

LOL just kidding.

But in all honesty, it's a trick question and one I can't really answer for you the way you might want me to. BECAUSE Sunshiner, when a Vampire is moving their absolute fastest, you CAN'T see them move. It's just too fast. Even for our eyes. And even faster. Than these. Last. Few sentences. I've. Written.

All you can see is the semi-blur, and try to anticipate just exactly WHERE they'll end up so the shaving cream pie lands directly in their face as you intended and NOT on their...umm...I dunno...penis?? :P

Question: "What Does Human Blood Taste Like?"

Chet Sez: Like a day-old copper-plated rubber chicken.

Choking the chicken, Vampire style!

What?? I'm serious!

But you wanna know what the big surprise about that answer is? I learned this fact BEFORE I became Nocturnal.

I mean really, do you need me to answer that one? You're a human (I...think? At least your nude butt chicks in the photo you sent from inside your janitor's closet look hu-) nevermind. point is, this is one you can find out for yourself in just a few easy steps.

Step 1: buy a skateboard, or a goofy looking "trick bicycle." from your local toy store. (Mind the screaming rugrats, their screaming mothers on crack rock, and the old pervs with their DELICIOUS candy.;) )

Step 2: Find a piece of motor oil-stained plywood to use as a curbside ramp.

Step 3: Attempt to jump something from curbside ramp, or do a 1080 Stalefish McTwist from less than two feet off the ground. Once you've made a complete ass of yourself, and in midst of people pointing and laughing at you, stick your fingers in the holes left in you by your epic fail. You'll either taste brain, your own poo (indicating you're in the WRONG hole) or paydirt.


(Actually, I lied. I love skateboarding! :) )

Question: "Do You Like Going To DQ? And What's Your Favorite Ice Cream To Get?"

DQ: Every Texan digs it, even Vampires!

Chet Sez: Uhh, is a Texan a Texan, does a frog bump his ass when he hops, or do Texans bump frogs DEEP in the ass while they're hopping? ALL YESSSS!!

To not love DQ

and be a native born Texican is pretty much Blasphemy. But you knew that right?

Do any other flavors exist besides a Peanut Buster Pairfait??

Peanut Buster Pairfait, a Texas DQ institution!

Chet doesn't THINK so!!

(Oh, the Cookie Dough Blizzard isn't too shabby! )

Okay, I'll take on one more query, but I want this last one to have some top-heft and depth to her...

(Almost exactly word-for-word my last words before I passed out at the after-party for my ORIGINAL Senior Prom! ;) LOL )

Question: "I Think Someone I Have A Crush On Is A Vampire...How Do I Get Her To Like Me? How Can I Hook Up With A Vampire?"

Vampire Love is as good as any other baby, don't fear the fangs!!

Chet Sez: Have You tried hanging a piece of juicy rare steak out of your back pocket? Hell, if you wanna date, it works for me!

LOL j/k.

Hey, I hate to sound like a broken record here or anything, but what do you Daywalker Sunshiner humans do to each other when you want to let one another know you like each other? Strip naked, tar and feather yourselves, knock on the door and leave a dead bird on the doorstep of your beloved?

Hopefully not.

So why then would you presuppose (or postsuppose ) that us Vampires are any different when it cu--err COMES to love?? We're humans too after all.

Why don't you try, gee, I dunno, ASKING HER OUT maybe? Chances are, if she really IS one of us, she ALREADY KNOWS how you feel. (The whole super-sensitive and very observant thing.) So she's already and waiting for you to spill all over her what's in your heart...

(The...uhh...emotional stuff not the...well...YOU KNOW! ;) )

Now, if you're asking "How can I be the type of person who is romantically/sexually attractive to a Vampire?" like in a special sense, it's really not that hard or much different, BUT as I've said MILLIONS of times, we are EXTREMELY observant creatures.

So in other words, if you want to attract a new girlfriend with teeth to her loving, you might want to try being your own man. Unique, speaking up for yourself, different from the 1000's of OTHER guys she's met over her long, LONNNNNG lifetime, having your own opinions, being funny or PSSST: have some balls! Of course, having a nice set of abs can't hurt either!

Hope all that helps.

Good talk son.

Well that about does it for this week but as always...

....if YOU have any questions for yours truly about the Vampire life, pop culture, fine cheeses, whether your cuts look infected, whether you need a boob job, or any others in general, please mail them to me at:

Just make sure you put "Questions For Chet" in the subject so I don't delete your precious email accidentally on purpose without reading it ...

Have an UBER-fantastic Weekend peoples!!


a cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in generala cheeky vampire blogger named Chet who writes about pop culture, monster/horror/B-movies and other crap in general

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